A PUBLIC SERVICE

Sherry Does Corporate!

Part 5: “What’s that smell?”

Yesterday was a weird day “at the office.” Weirder than usual. Do you want to know why? Because, compared to every day prior, it’s been quiet AF.

That’s not normal for this joint. Consequently, I have a tingling feeling. An “I’m about to get shit-canned feeling.” Again! By the same company!

Well, not really the same as they’ve “merged” and such. And I can’t really get shit-canned as I’m a freelancer. Maybe, “asked to pack up my company laptop and bounce,” is more appropriate.

When I began documenting this weird trip that I’m on, I never thought that one of the staffers might see my stories. Mainly, because I didn’t give a damn.

But that said, I do seem to recall that a reigning member of the A.S.S. had perused my profile on LinkedIn a while back. A “strategy” guy. Meaning, he doesn’t actually have to do actual work. He just judges the work of the creative team and then goes off to Nordstrom Rack or somewhere. After sitting in on a meeting, struggling to stay focused while he droned on, with absolutely no inflection in his delivery, I don’t believe he’d be capable of strategizing a dump.

Since I didn’t recall seeing this guy around the office when I was a full-time employee, I always wondered why he checked me out as it was long before this gig became available. Maybe an old coworker “talked me up.” And not in a good way, because when he was introduced to me over Microsoft Teams, his welcome was less than tepid.

Perhaps he’s seen a few of my stories. Hmmmmmm.

Although I haven’t as yet fucked up, there’s always the possibility that I could be shown the door for “not being a team player” or some trumped-up bullshit like that. Or, maybe they sense the utter lack of enthusiasm for this work wafting off me like stink on stink.

The sulfuric stench of “I don’t want to do this shit and I don’t see how you nimrods can.”

You never know with these people. You gotta be prepared. Watch your back, so to speak.

I mentioned my lack of enthusiasm. Normally, I’m pretty good at faking it as I’ve has years of experience to hone that particular craft, but hell, getting worked up over windows is a stretch.

Do I give a damn if they’re double-hung or casement? Or if they’re constructed of wood, vinyl or fiberglass? Or if they make you come six ways from Sunday every time you look at them? (Note: I never use “cum.” Too Pornhub. But that’s just me.)

One of my current projects is an E-Newsletter extolling the virtues of this product. It appears in the inboxes of the target audience and is no doubt, promptly trashed. And the expectation is that I wet myself writing it.

The beauty! The energy efficiency! The style and innovation! The craftmanship! The “look what people are saying!”

Yet, when I was a fulltime employee at this joint I worked on an HVAC account for years. Poops “N Pipes,” we called it. Now that was about as inspiring as a fart. And then…let’s see…there was the home warranty company, the major credit card, the “leaders in pest control” and so many more yawn-inducing clients. So I suppose I should be turning cartwheels over windows.

Why can’t this agency pitch a major manufacturer of top-grade cat food? Now that’s something I could wrap my head around! Plus, I’d get a warm fuzzy knowing I was encouraging cat lovers to feed their furkids healthier food.

It’ll never happen. For reasons I was never able to fathom, this agency is adept at ferreting out and winning the most stultifyingly boring pieces of business I’ve ever worked on, with one exception: The pro bono, LivingWell Cancer Resource Center. Having experienced breast cancer, I was all over that one. And, for what it’s worth, our work was a huge success.

So, here I sit, doing my best to maintain my connection with you and wondering what the rest of the day will bring. Certainly not a nice, long stroll in the Autumnal sunshine. Or a sweat session at the gym. Yes, I’m whining.

Uh oh. Just got a call on my cell from the Group Creative Head as he had a question and “didn’t see me online.”

Is that not creepy AF? What if I had the trots, or something similarly unpleasant, as well as unplanned for? Would they send someone to the house? Would I be publicly shamed?

Maybe I’ll be offboarded. One can only hope.

Stay tuned.

Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her short films have screened at The Pan African Film Festival in Cannes (awarded “best short”), the Nashville Film Festival, the Honolulu Film Festival, the Los Angeles Film School, New Filmmakers New York, and New Filmmakers Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, “The Month We Fell Apart,” a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

Thanks for reading, guys. If you enjoyed this, I’d love for you to check out the following, as well as my newsletter, Sherry Raw.