Sheer Insanity at Merrill—In the Matter of 9 Cents
As the economy stumbles a financial giant grasps at straws

Back in May, my wife cashed in her Roth IRA at Merrill. She transferred the funds to an investment account at another institution. But the financial wizards at Merrill somehow left nine cents ($0.09) rattling around in her account.
She handles her financial affairs online. But still gets paper statements for all accounts. So guess what just happened? She received her 3-month summary statement from Merrill.
Here it is for her friends and family to see — proof that she is preening her feathers as she luxuriates in Fat City. This statement demonstrates that she has a Merrill account with nine pennies in it! (Try to control your envy.)

Stop for a moment and consider the economics of this foolishness.
Presorted first class mail (in the event you haven’t used it lately) costs 38.6 cents to send a one-ounce envelope. Of course, the total cost of doing a mailing always exceeds the postage. Merrill must keep track of the account reconciliation. They must supply an envelope and paper. Then print a multi-page paper statement. Then stuff the statement into an envelope and put this vital packet into the hands of the U.S. Postal Service. I’ll be generous (to the genius whiz kids at Merrill) and estimate that those prep costs only add an extra dollar. That means each mailing costs Merrill $1.386. Projecting to next year at this time, Merrill will have mailed 5 quarterly statements. That will be $6.93 spent to keep their valued 9-cent client informed.

Let’s take this into the future. As these quarterly statements stretch on for the next twenty years—that’ll be eighty statements—Merrill will spend $112.27. Think of the ongoing flurry of account activity required! Track the account. Buy reams of paper. Print the statements. Mail out this kit and kaboodle 80 times (we’ll assume the post office will still exist in 2040). All those years of time, effort, supplies, and mailing costs to keep their 9-cent customer up to speed.
Is there an insanity algorithm at Merrill? Why doesn’t some human who works there have a brainstorm?
Hey! Why not send her a check for nine cents?
Oh, I forgot. This stuff gets done by AI and robots.
And it’s possible that Merrill — in the pre-AI era — made a board-level decision to never, ever send out a paper check. This means the AI-bots will need to develop actual non-digital common sense when it comes to things like a nine-cent balance. Once that’s in place the bot might think—Hey! Let’s pitch her on the purchase of fractional stock shares.
At the time of this writing Amazon is selling for $3,282 a share—and 9 cents might buy her 1/36,467th of a share.
Facebook is selling at $263—her 9-cent nest egg might buy 1/2,924th of a share.
And Apple, at $116, would allow her to own 1/1,289th of a share.
BUT THEN THIS MAY HAPPEN: Merrill’s research bot may sleuth out that buying one tiny sliver of one share makes their clients feel like low-rent cheapskates. If so, the research bot can bump the file over to a broker bot who will shoot out this email:
Dear account holder: Your friends here at Merrill suggest you take your nine cents and invest in penny stocks. We see a real growth opportunity in Plastic Hair Implants for Baldies (Nasdaq: PHIB). A bid at today’s price of $0.015 will buy you 6 shares.
Turning my wife into a PHIB shareholder can finally end this 9-cent insanity.
Before I go this must be noted:
There has been no accumulated interest added to the nine cents Merrill is greedily hoarding. Surely by now — after these past three months have slipped by — the account should have grown by one-sixteenth of a penny! The quarterly account statement should read at least $0.090625. Where is the recognition of that withheld interest on your statement? Are you padding your bottom line with ill-gotten proceeds?
WARNING TO MERRILL: We have alerted our lawyers to this blatant violation of investor rights. Be watching for our subpoena.
If you enjoyed that truth-stranger-than-fiction read, here’s a bit of (totally unrelated) whimsy:
