RELATIONSHIPS / POLYAMORY

She Spent The Night With Another Man

The lessons I’ve learned after a decade of being in this situation

Last week I spent the night alone. Because my partner was spending the night with another man.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened. But previously, it’s only been when I’ve been away. She usually arranges to see him when I’m out of town. But this time was different. I was home, alone. She was out, with him.

Even when we are together, more often than not she’ll be on her phone exchanging messages with him. When we make plans together, she’ll be working around when she wants to see him instead.

If I wasn’t so incredibly happy for her, I might have found it annoying.

For the first time, I’m having to learn to deal with a partner’s New Relationship Energy.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the position of having my partner dating someone else while I’m not.

Since opening up fully to polyamory, I’ve always been the one with someone else in my life. So when one of my partners starting seeing someone new, I wasn’t left on my own.

But now, things are different.

I’m currently only dating one person. And with the last year of pandemics, Lockdown and social restrictions, meeting anyone new has been off the table.

But at last, the world is opening up again. And while I’ve still no one new on the horizon, that’s not the case for my partner. She’s been chatting to a few people over the last couple of months, and now they can actually meet she’s begun seeing them in person.

And it’s going really well. And, for the record, I couldn’t be happier for her.

But it means, for the first time, I’m having to learn to deal with a partner’s New Relationship Energy.

That stage in a relationship when everyone you know describes you as “sickening”

What is New Relationship Energy?

Well, it’s not exclusive to polyamory. If you’ve ever been in a new relationship, you’ve most likely experienced it yourself. That period of total infatuation with someone new. Everything is exciting. You think about them all the time. You want to be with them as much as humanly possible. If you’re not actually with them, then you’re chatting online and planning your next adventure. And when you are together, you’re all over each other, staring into each other’s eyes and making all your friends want to vomit.

Essentially, it’s that stage in a relationship when everyone you know describes you as “sickening”.

And in monogamous relationships, this isn’t really a problem. With both parties directly involved, no one feels left out.

But what do you do if you already have a partner and don’t want them to feel neglected?

What do you do if you are that partner that feels neglected?

I tried my hardest, but the longer I wasn’t sharing those experiences, the worse it became

When I began my journey into ethical non-monogamy, this was one of the areas I found the hardest to handle.

Back then, as we took our first steps together, the interest we received was not equal. My then-partner found a lot of people eager to meet her. People would respond to her online, and after meeting wanted to meet up again. The ethically non-monogamous world, it seemed, was her oyster.

I, however, had no such luck.

There are many lessons to be unpacked from this time in my life, but the one I want to focus on here is how I was unprepared to handle seeing my partner reveling in the excitement of new relationships while I wasn’t. I did not have the experience or support to handle the jealousy I felt.

And this harmed both of us and stunted our progress.

However much I tried to hide it, I felt resentment at my partner’s excitement. I tried my hardest, but the longer I wasn’t sharing those experiences, the worse it became. And as she saw how much it was hurting me, she stopped being able to enjoy herself.

And our exploration ground to a halt, required a long cool off period while we readjusted before trying again.

So how am I handling this better this time?

Experience and support.

Put simply, it’s been ten years since I struggled to be happy for my partner. In that time, I’ve gained experience, educated myself, and grown as a person.

And the same goes for my current partner. She’s prepared herself by reading on how New Relationship Energy can affect polyamorous relationships. We’ve sat down and discussed things between us long before it became an issue. We worked out how things might change, and we check in with each other, giving ourselves space to address how we are feeling.

I know it will change

Back when I was beginning my journey, one of the main problems I faced was I didn’t know if things would ever change.

I was doing everything right, or so I thought. At least, I was doing everything that my partner was doing. And while it worked effortlessly for her, I was getting nowhere. And I didn’t know if this would ever change.

But now I know it did and that it can again. Just because I don’t have these things now, I have proof that won’t always be the case.

I’m more in control of my situation

While I would like to be dating someone, I know the reasons that I’m currently not are in my hands.

Back then, I was trying everything that was supposed to get me a date. And while they were working for someone else, they didn’t for me. I was trying my hardest but getting nowhere.

But right now, I’m not really trying. Not seriously, anyway. Between the pandemic, dealing with the end of my last relationship, and focusing on my new career, I’ve simply not been in the correct headspace to try and meet people.

Ultimately, ethical non-monogamy isn’t fair.

No one ever said it would be. The only thing I’ve ever guaranteed it would be is hard.

You aren’t going to find people at precisely the same frequency and rate as your partners. Nor will you necessarily be seeing something when they are, and visa versa.

Despite some of the prevailing attitudes about us, non-monogamous people are just as difficult, picky, sensitive, or simply not into you, as monogamous people.

Seeing your partner happy with someone else is a beautiful feeling, but it can also be painful. Especially when you don’t have someone else in your life. Their attention on another person can leave you feeling less important, even when you know that’s not true. The brain is a wonderful thing, but it’s not always the most logical organ in the human body.

So be prepared. And communicate. And between you, you and your partners will be able to find a joy in relationships many people don’t believe possible.

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