Do you know what to do when your child cries?
I failed this question on the parent quiz.
There are moments in time when a parent is supposed to respond to their child. Most of those moments occur during infancy, a prime developmental phase. For those of you who understand psychology, John Bowlby studied just how important attachment is to a child. So responsive actions to an infant's needs are key to development and attachment.
However, as a child grows their needs do change. A hug will not heal all wounds, and a kiss to the bump or bruise does not make it feel better. As parents, it is important to realize that when they change we have to adjust to change and as well. Recognize that when they need us most the emotion may not be one we are too comfortable with.
Yesterday my child cried overwhelmed with her emotions and deep frustrations with the adults in her life, she is 10.
As I stood there watching her eyes swell up with tears I immediately thought to myself what in the world is she sad about. As an adult, it is so easy to dismiss the tears from a child’s eyes especially when they are your own. Earlier in the day, she received a call from me questioning something she had done while I was at work. As she whimpered yes, I let her know I was not mad at her just disappointed and we could talk later. Low and behold I had no idea what this little girl went through prior to my phone call.
In a matter of 15 minutes, she had received reprimanding conversations from her father, grandfather, and grandmother. The insane thing about it every adult was talking to her when we should have been talking to each other. To top it off even though they were all telling her stuff about her choices the reality was we were more frustrated with one another. Unfortunately, a young little girl had to bear all the weight of our emotions.
She mumbled and stumbled trying to express to me what she was feeling and the first words she spoke were
Being the oldest child sucks! I hate it.
I have been reading John Gottman’s, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, and at this moment I was reminded how important it was to listen and not speak.
When we refrain from criticizing them, discounting their feelings, or trying to distract them from their goals — they let us into their world. They tell us how they feel.
Looking into her eyes I focused on what she was saying. Her tears were not a gimmick or a way for her to get out of something. She was crying so I listened. When I asked her why she hated being the older child she quickly responded with, “because I have to do everything, everyone asks me for something, and I can never just sit and do nothing. I always have to do something and no one helps me!” Before responding I made sure to keep eye contact and then let her know how I had no idea what it was to be the older sibling but it does sound very hard to handle. When I attempted to resolve the issue by telling her to ask her other sister for help, she was very clear about how frustrated she feels by getting little to no help there. She ends up doing it all herself because she knows if she does not do it, then she could get in trouble. Oh man, did I fail to try to fix the problem. After I realized fixing it was not the solution, I simply stated the following:
Wow, baby I am really sorry that we have made you feel so overwhelmed by asking you to do for others when all you want is for someone to do for you too. I can see how frustrating it can be when your grandfather and grandmother are asking you to help with your siblings and then your mom and dad ask you to do additional tasks. I know it can even make you angry to know your siblings do not help when you need it.
As we hugged, I took a deep breath and told her it is going to be okay and we will all work on not making her feel the way she did today.
What a surreal moment, the adults did not even know they were laying their frustrations out onto a child. Each adult assumed they were just simply talking to a child and explaining thoughts on her actions. What she really felt was judgment. As for myself, I am sure she was hoping it was not going to be a lecture, but it was. Adult number four making her feel some way about her self.
Parents who want to build empathy in relationships with their children should probably read Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. No parent is a pro at parenting but if we do not even realize our own mistakes then we are failing our children daily. Gottman speaks of five steps a parent can take when enhancing children’s emotional intelligence. Parents who get involved with their children’s emotions become “emotional coaches” helping their children name their emotions and eventually learn to deal with life’s ups and downs. These children become more emotionally healthy and resilient.
So the next time your child starts to cry no matter their age, try this:
- Be aware of your child’s emotions
- Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
- Listen empathetically and validating the child’s feelings
- Help the child verbally label emotions
- Set limits while helping the child problem-solve
Thank you for reading with me today. I am excited to share my daily thoughts and life conversations with the world. Have a great week and learn.live.grow