Flash Fiction

Shared Burden

A Doppelgänger’s Demise

Wicked Wednesday’s Prompt #359 had one of my favourite words: Doppelgänger. This flash fiction turned out darker than I intended.

He started talking to her shortly after his 10th birthday. Her name was Natalia. Now at fifty, she still is his counterpart. During adolescence, she was by default his advisor on all of his girl trouble. Later, her role broadened. Be it about his career and ambitions, family conflicts, internal turmoil, marital disputes, at one point or another she would pop up and comment on it all. Her questions would sometimes annoy him. She knew him too well and did not back down on her criticisms. But he trusted her judgement. During her absences, he would miss her terribly. There was always this queasy feeling that one day she might leave him for good. But how could she? Their connection is umbilical. There was no doubt whose side she chose during his divorce. But she did demand of him that he took his responsibility. She explained to him that it was too easy to just blame his ex and be done with it. She thoroughly questioned his adultery. Even to the point that she scorned him on how he handled everything. She defended the point of view of his lover and told him to be honest with her about his intentions. He was walking his dog near the wetlands as usual when she commanded, ‘Say it out loud now’. And he did. While his dog was sniffing out a pheasant in the high reed, he spoke the words that were so hard for him to admit to his lover: ‘I am not in love with you. I was testing myself. I needed to fuck you to realise that my marriage is truly over.’ When the pheasant flew up as his dog got too close for comfort, he felt his life slip away. He cowardly broke off the affair with a lame excuse. But this had been his plan. His lover would resent him for it and be happy to be rid of him. She did hate him, but unhappily. Her tears gutted him with self-loathing. To his wife, his discovered infidelity had been no more than a confirmation of her own disquiet. She’d been relieved to be able to say, ‘No more’.

It has been strange, but he’s content enough with his living on his own. And now, after a long silence, Natalia has returned. ‘Really? This is it? You work, you cook and eat, you watch telly and slumber off to sleep after wanking through PornHub clips?’ He smiles. Not because he’s happy to hear this, but because she’s back.

‘I needed a break,’ is all she offers as an explanation for her absence. But she’s right. He needed a break from her too. Their conversations had intensified in the last years of his marriage. But when all was said and done, their silence was an inevitable refuge.

Tonight, her return produces a different silence.

‘Natalia?’ Her name hovers in the air for a while. She doesn’t respond. Like she’s just waiting. He lets the silence linger even though his distress is building up. His old fear of being abandoned by her forever ties a knot in his stomach. ‘This is it?’ she repeats but the meaning of the three words has changed. He nods. She notices and knows it too. Doppelgänger. Alter ego. Imaginary friend. They have to let go. He wishes he could hold her hand in this fleeting moment and so does she. He once said to her — he must’ve been young and naive — that someday they would meet. That some woman or man would solidify her. She laughed, reasonably at him. Silly boy. She’d always been the wiser. ‘Yes. We can do this.’ Nathan’s voice fills the room, but they’re her words. Tears well up. They smile. As soon as the thought hits him that maybe, maybe in the future someday, they could… she cuts him off. A clean break, make space. Open up. Who knows who will enter. The yearning inside him hurts like an endless incision. But nevermore will she soothe it. He feels her moving away. To where he doesn’t know. He never did. So, there he stands. On his own. Finally.