THE TROUBLE WITH AGING

Shampoo – I Can’t See You

It’s not me, it’s you

Dear Shampoo Marketers,

Got shampoo in your eyes?

Of course, you don’t. You’re babies and you use the no-tears type so even if you did you would erupt into fits of giggles asking for more.

Well, as a person over 29, I have to talk to you about shampoo. I don’t have a complaint about your product. It’s the packaging I take issue with.

Picture it

I’m in the shower.

Maybe don’t picture me. Picture yourself. We will all get cleaner that way.

Picture it… the hot water is dripping down your body, steam rising and enveloping you in an ethereal cloud. You reach for the shampoo…

But wait.

Which is which? Both bottles of hair products are on the floor five feet away — the shampoo and the conditioner. And here you are warm and comfortable without reading glasses.

You haven’t had your first coffee.

Examine the first bottle closely. Wipe the pleasant steam from your eyes getting a tiny bit of soap in there to really cloud your vision. Look for any word starting with the letter S to indicate Shampoo.

Not there.

Ok, try to find the #1.

Not yet. It’s all just a blur.

You just choose one. It looks like shampoo and smells nice. Lather, rinse, repeat.

It won’t lather. Because it is fucking conditioner!

Let’s go back and see where I went wrong

I’m not in my 20s.

That’s it. That’s where I went wrong.

Know who is in their 20s?

Clearly, the people who design the fucking shampoo packaging! Yeah. You.

I know you are, don’t deny it. I see you. You’re a bit blurry, but that is not the point. You sit at your computer screen and reply, “Good to go,” when the design — done by a veritable child — comes in.

It is evident, you did not evaluate the final product standing in the shower, being over 40, steam rising to your eyes, without readers.

Do not tell me, “one is a different color,” or, “the conditioner is upside down.”

Fuck off, you twat.

I know all this information that you deem helpful, but who remembers which is which in the groggy morning shower state? I’m over 29* for fuck’s sake!

Nobody over 40 approved this packaging without their readers on.

Now let's examine an alternative.

Yes, I used to work in an ad agency. This is how I know this shit will work. Plus, I’m a user of shampoo who is not 20.

Notice the large S and large C? You could even go for a large #1 and #2.

If I was a shampoo ad exec, I would love the #1 & #2 option because it implies another product (let’s call it #3 for now) that we would need for our hair cleaning routine.

Honestly, do I have to think of everything?

I tried using a Sharpie to write the S on the bottle of my own shampoo. Seemed like a brilliant idea. The marker didn’t last long in a wet environment.

So now I rant.

I suggest you run all your packaging by the head of accounting. You know, the one guy in the ad agency over 40. He would love to be consulted. Have him take your product home and observe it in its natural environment — on the floor of his shower.

His partner will have some choice words too if you ask.

The good news

If you label it properly, I will buy your shampoo even if it smells like mac and cheese.

And I will not be the only one.

This I know, for sure. Older and wiser is an actual thing. Most of all, older means disposable income.

Are you listening now?

Sincerely,

Not blind, just over 29