It’s Not Shameful to Ask for Help

I overcame the shame and pride stopping me from asking for help and leaned into vulnerability. It opened up a world of possibilities.

This is my most terrible memory. I was standing in front of my dad while he reviewed my report card. I remember the carpet was gray and there was a tall black drawer behind my father. I had gotten my report card a few days ago but held off on showing it to him because I had not gotten straight A’s. After a few days, I finally decided to rip the band-aid off and give it to him. I knew he would be disappointed. He would have some sharp words to say and perhaps give me a lecture. I waited for the moment he was most distracted in front of the TV to take the chance, hoping this would go by quickly and painlessly.

I was only nine or ten years old at the time. After I gave my father my report card, I held my breath, hoping he would not say something that cut me. I remember that moment did not blow up to be a disaster like I feared. He did make a few remarks, but they were not particularly memorable. I remember I breathed a sigh of relief, glad I got away without being subjected to a demoralizing lecture. My father had a reward system where he paid my brother and me ten dollars for every “A” we earned. He paid me $60 and I went back to my room. It took a few minutes for me to calm down after the whole incident.

This was my experience of having my report cards inspected every school semester. Whenever I did not get straight A’s, I was nervous about an impending lecture. When they happened, these lectures would go on for twenty or thirty minutes but would feel like an eternity to me. They made me feel awful about myself like I was worthless, shameful, and humiliated at not being good enough, even though I managed mostly A’s and a couple B’s. They would leave me in a negative mood for the rest of the day because I was not able to stand up for myself in those situations. If I had talked back, it would have led to an even longer lecture, with the added topic of the importance of filial piety.

In another incident, my father spent the entire summer after my second grade drilling multiplication tables into my head instead of letting me enjoy my break and hang out with friends. He made me a laminated copy of the multiplication tables and told me to recite it to him every day in Chinese. He did this a year before it was even taught at my elementary school. This was not pleasant experience. It involved him acting as a totalitarian in the house, forcing me to study even when I did not want to or was tired. He criticized and terrorized me every time I made a mistake, telling me how I was a failure and would fail college and not be able to earn any money if I could memorize the tables (I was only 9 years old!). His rebukes were extremely discouraging. Even as he yelled at me, he coerced me to continue studying.

This is another example of how my father unconsciously taught me that my worth is tied to my accomplishments and what I did instead of being inherent.

My father’s way of approaching my academic performance gave me many wrong impressions that I unconsciously carried around in life and had to correct in therapy. Tying money to my grades created the impression that my worth is tied to the value I produced. It taught me that my worth is dependent on my performance. My nine-year-old self thought my parents only loved me conditionally — when I got straight A’s. As an adult, this belief caused me to think of my job title and my salary as a reflection of my worth. I worked with my therapist to re-frame this false belief and made it clear to myself that my intrinsic worth is not tied to my performance. I do not need to earn straight A’s or make a six-figure salary to be worthy of love.

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The other negative consequence from the report card inspections and constant criticism from my family is the development of my performance anxiety and aversion to making mistakes. I was deathly afraid to do something wrong at work until my manager sat me down for a conversation and said I would not be able to come up with anything interesting if I was too afraid of making errors. I had to remind myself that no one expects me to be perfect and that I must accept myself for who I am including my abilities and limits. I always had the choice to be more confident and avoid thoughts that lead to self-doubt. I had to confront my fears and vulnerabilities to overcome performance anxiety.

I also had a similar belief that I was not worthy if I was not productive. I am satisfied if I see progress in some form in my life — whether I am improving in my work, in learning a foreign language, and even in therapy. If I am not improving in any of these areas, then my sense of self-esteem drops. That is not a healthy way to think and prevented me from relaxing, even while I was on vacation. I re-framed this wrong belief in therapy as well and told myself I deserve to exist simply because I am. I can love myself and am loved by my family as I am, not because of what I do. I am worthy even if I am not particularly productive for a few months. If I need a sabbatical to focus on my mental health, I can allow myself to take a sabbatical.

Parental approval was very scarce in my upbringing as well. That left me a bit unbalanced and always seeking approval from other places. Unconsciously, I followed the same patterns with authority figures in my life like my bosses for many years. It became obvious to me that I was trying to get approval from others when I constantly referenced how much older and experienced I was to my peers. There was only one instance when my father displayed strong approval to me — when I landed a job with a well-paid salary at the same company as him. That incident left a strong impression on me. I felt fine as long as I was working at the company. But once I decided to quit and venture into other jobs I found interesting, I was afraid of hearing his disappointment and disapproval. My dad certainly did have a fit when I announced I was quitting, but I was firm in my decision and pushed through.

Perhaps it is my Chinese upbringing, but I also had the prideful impression that I was supposed to be able to handle everything on my own and not need to ask for help. Being in a “weak” position gave me a sense of shame and humiliation. Recently, I knew I was not able to handle a situation on my own, but I waited six months to ask for help when I was out of options. What stopped me from asking for help? I was afraid that the person I asked would not help me. I also wondered if I truly deserved the help, that perhaps it was my lot to have to suffer, and asking for help was akin to taking the easy way out. I had a notion that I should not need to be rescued.

Ironically, life taught me a valuable lesson that negated these false beliefs. In the end, there was no other way for me to be successful besides asking for help. I was not able to accomplish my goal on my own. I was forced to adapt to a different school of thought; that being vulnerable is a sign of strength and courage, not a display of embarrassment. Asking for help is the true path to success, rather than trying to go it alone. Not only that, by asking for help, one is tapping into the mindset of abundance instead of scarcity. I was inspired by Amanda Palmer’s “The Art of Asking” and Brené Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability” TED Talks where these concepts are explained powerfully.

After asking for help and seeing it turn out well for me, I felt like I had freed myself from an unhelpful attitude and now had access to so many new possibilities that were not previously available to me. I felt like I was able to experiment, take some risks, and be fine even if they do not work out. I gathered the courage to start a business with friends and accept having a low income for an extended time while the business is being built. I am not afraid to approach other people to ask for help in promoting my business. I feel myself growing more confident and excited every day about the possibilities that lie ahead now that I’ve overcome shame and leaned into vulnerability, the starting point of innovation, creativity, and change.