Sexy Gourds Near You

Horny and looking for love

That magical time of year when the UGG boots and the sweaters come out of the closet to go to Starbucks, the flannel shirts make their appearance, and those hot, slutty gourds come out to play their dirty games.

Ooooh. Even the word ‘gourd’ tickles me timbers. Yes, I’m talking about all those beautiful, single gourds out looking for love in all the wrong places. Or maybe they are the right places. ;)

Tall ones, short ones, round ones, bumpy ones. Just like humans, they come in all different colors and forms. From orange and round to white and silky-smooth, to looking healthy on the outside but moldy and rotten on the inside, to green and ribbed for your pleasure. They can weigh less than a pound or up to two tons. No matter your preference, gourds all want your sweet, sweet lovin’. Those bulbous curves, that rock-hard stem….

Those dirty, slutty, horny gourds. (But you gotta say “dirty” right. Elongated and stuff. Like with a softer D and an extra I and an extra R. So it sounds extra dirty. “Diirrty.” Like you’re about to give someone a sexy spanking. You demented fucks know what I’m talking about.)

Far superior to the other primarily orange fruits and vegetables like oranges and carrots, the festive gourd is easily the most seductive of the garden fruits and vegetables. (They must have named oranges before they named carrots.) A gourds is technically a fruit since it has seeds and flowers and junk, but, damn, is it sexy or what?

Sure, carrots are hot, in their own root-vegetable kind of way. And yes, they are long and slender and quite phallic in nature. But carrots are pretty plain and tend to be dirty. Not the good kind of dirty, either. Unless you drown them in butter or brown sugar, they’re a very shallow and pedantic root vegetable. Potatoes, too. Sure, potatoes have the ability to save our species, but really, if they’re not cut up and deep-fried in oil and salted heavily, what good are they?

Nothing compares to the sexiness of a good, plump gourd just waiting for you to stab it with your blunt object. If you’re endowed with the right equipment, you can penetrate its skin and feel its gooey insides moisten with your heat.

In your time of need, these gourds are willing to let you scramble their insides with any tool you feel is necessary. They’ll lean back on your table in the “full-willing-participant,” allowing you to butternut all over their squash. Then you leave them on the curb, rotting away, feeling hollow, collapsing inward on themselves under the weight of all the failed hopes and dreams of another miserable festive gourd season.

We can’t forget to discuss how many different fruits and vegetables can be used for, *ahem*, other things. Wait, why am I being coy now? I was about to discuss people fucking zucchinis and cucumbers. Why would I tap the brakes now? I don’t care. Do what you want. Go ahead and jam that cucumber so far up your ass that it tickles your uvula. Nobody cares.

Just this morning I learned of something called a bitter gourd. (This must be when the gourd wants to get married but you just wanna smash and sneak out before it wakes up.) Anyway, the bitter gourd is supposed to be good for diabetes and your liver. Except that it’s kind of bumpy and ugly, and some people think it tastes like the bitter, alkaline tears of an abandoned naked mole-rat who was too hideous for its mother.

From an article at The South China Morning Post:

Despite the name, the taste is actually not too overwhelming. In Chinese cuisine, bitter melon is sometimes called a “gentleman’s vegetable” because it doesn’t impart its bitterness on other ingredients when cooked. You’ll often find it stir-fried with fermented black beans or gently tossed with salted duck eggs.

It sure would be great to toss my gentleman’s vegetable into a cornucopia of ripe, healthy gourds. I’ll smash it right through all the other shellacked vegetables and fill it with my own pumpkin seeds.

I don’t even know what we were talking about. Oh yes, horny gourds in your area looking to fuck.

Just remember to be safe out there during this season of beautiful autumn leaves set against blue, sunny skies. When you go out to harvest your sexy-ass gourd with all the right curves, make sure it’s the right one for you.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a flirty little courgette calling my name.

For some weird, sexy fun… Carlos Garbiras, Squeeze the Avocado, yesnodunno, kasey sparks, Posy Churchgate, Marie A. Rebelle, Will Hull, Jennifer McDougall, Lindsay Rae Brown ;)