Sex Addiction

Sexual Anorexia — Yeah, It’s a Thing

They often suffer in silence, these men and women all over the world who dread even the idea of sex

Fear of sex or a dread of sexual pleasure puts many people at odds with a culture that tirelessly promotes sex but is strangely unconscious about sexuality.

Carnes opens his 1997 book, Sexual Anorexia, Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred with that claim, and given that he’s one of the leaders in the treatment of sex addiction — of which sexual anorexia can be a part — you’ve gotta believe him.

We all know how food anorexics starve themselves of nourishment; in a similar way sexual anorexics will deny themselves sex and focus their anxiety on sex.

Carnes lists the following that the sexual anorexic will typically experience:

· A dread of sexual pleasure

· A morbid and persistent fear of sexual contact

· Obsession and hypervigilance around sexual matters

· Avoidance of anything connected with sex

· Preoccupation with others being sexual

· Distortions of body appearance

· Extreme loathing of body functions

· Obsessional self-doubt about sexual adequacy

· Rigid, judgmental attitudes about sexual behavior

· Excessive fear and preoccupation with sexually transmitted diseases

· Obsessive concern or worry about the sexual intentions of others

· Shame and self-loathing over sexual experiences

· Depression about sexual adequacy and functioning

· Intimacy avoidance because of sexual fear

· Self-destructive behavior to limit, stop, or avoid sex

You can see that these are pretty extreme examples — so your partner is not sexually anorexic if they simply don’t want to have sex with you.

Sexual anorexia is not a term to bandy about when you don’t get your way, folks.

And just like bulimics who gorge on food and then purge by inducing vomiting, sexual anorexics will often have occasional periods of bingeing with sex.

Impossible goals

Carnes makes the point that sexual anorexia is born out of a culture that ‘makes sexual satisfaction both an unreachable goal and a non-negotiable demand’.

Think about that for a moment.

Think about all the porn stars who practice their craft to such an extent that they turn sex into an art form. It’s simply not attainable for most mere mortals.

Think about all the men who demand sex without the warm-up — i.e. they seem reluctant to spend time on foreplay which most women actually need.

A sex therapist I knew said foreplay takes a couple of days; not the sexual touching, but other little endearments — the affectionate touch, doing the dishes, taking the trash out, the gentle back rub, the neck nuzzle, the earlobe nibble, the date.

Let me count the ways . . .

All this needs to be done without the expectation of sex. It’s simply being affectionate.

One partner of mine would say, ‘I’ve taken a pill [Viagra] — let’s go.’ It was such a turnoff.

But I digress.

People who are sexually anorexic, according to Carnes, have definite common characteristics:

· They have a pattern of resistance to anything sexual.

· They continue that pattern even though they know it is self-destructive.

· They will go to extremes to avoid sexual contact or attention, including self-mutilation, distortions of body appearance or apparel, and aversive behavior.

· They have rigid, judgmental attitudes towards their own sexuality and the sexuality of others.

· Their resistance and aversion to things sexual helps to manage anxiety and to avoid deeper, more painful life issues.

· They have extreme shame and self-loathing about sexual experiences, their bodies, and sexual attributes.

· Their sexual aversion affects their work, hobbies friends, and families.

· They obsess about sex so much that it interferes with normal living.

· They may have episodes of sexual bingeing or periods of sexual compulsivity.

Carnes knows a thing or two about sex addiction; after all he wrote the seminal book on it, Out of the Shadows, in 1983, so we need to believe him when he says: ‘Problems with sexual desire are the number one issue that sex therapists deal with.’

People with sexual anorexia are often very competent and are highly committed to doing things very well and have a fear of making mistakes and being human, according to Carnes.

They often have a history of sexual exploitation or sexual rejection which leads to a deep-seated sexual terror because of their history of abuse and rejection.

People with sexual anorexia often come from families with a history of addictions, and they exhibit extreme or addictive behavior themselves.

In his excellent book about sexual anorexia, Carnes says sexual anorexics use rigidity as a defense to feeling out of control, and often have secrets and a misguided sense of loyalty.

Sex Sells

We live in a highly sexualized society and much of the advertising we see on social media and television sends us messages that are not helpful for the sexual anorexic or sex addict.

Carnes’ four core beliefs for the sex addict and sexual anorexic are the same except for the last.

1. I am basically a bad, unworthy person

2. No-one could love me as I am.

3. My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others.

4. For the anorexic it’s: sex is my most terrifying need.

For the sex addict its: sex is my most important need.

I worked with a person who suffered terribly from sexual anorexia. The process of getting them to go out on dates was slow and carefully managed.

My job was to walk alongside them very gently because I knew that if I pushed them too much, the chance they’d go back into their ‘cave’ would be great.

It took them years of attending 12 Step meetings to even get to the point of considering that dating was a possibility, but they got there in the end.

There is hope

Men and women all over the world find that they can recover from sex addiction and sexual anorexia by attending the 12 Step meetings of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) and working a program of healing from this debilitating disease.

Thanks for reading!

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