Relationships

Sexual Abuse Prevention Advice

Start setting boundaries today.

Watching a documentary made me reflect on my sexual history. Living under an open-minded lifestyle takes a toll on your ability to commit, for sure. But it also affects your ability to know if somebody raped you.

Having in mind some episodes of my early years, I put together some advice and recommendations that would have been useful to me, and my friends, during adolescence. Let’s start with understanding sexual abuse.

Going beyond the limits:

According to the US Department of Justice, rape consists of “the penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim. “

That definition is considered progressive because it includes any gender of victim and perpetrator. Because yes, crimes must be categorized and defined to create boundaries between breaking the law and lawful citizen behavior.

Limits and boundaries are precisely a matter about which we still have a lot to learn.

Taking advantage of your innocence and vulnerability is the fuel for unscrupulous people. Recognizing your weak spots can be challenging for many of us, I know. Having a difficult upbringing myself, learning to accept my shortcomings, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities took me years of therapy, so I’m in no position to judge anybody.

So… I’m writing to let you know that no matter how tough you think you are, how able to bounce back from anything or anyone. You’re still a human. Not comprehending you have an Achilles heel (or maybe more than one) will only make you an easier target for predators.

Now, how can you tell? I will list some vital factors that helped me reflect on my personal history from a new, more mature perspective. I also believe it can be useful for others to recover from these experiences. With no further ado, here they are:

You felt overpowered:

Any masochist will immediately answer, yes, a lot! But it is not that kind of power that I am referring to this time. I’m referring to the influence that some people can have on others, sometimes to take advantage, and in some cases… during non-consensual sex.

In a BDSM relationship, real contracts are signed all the time, just as E.L. James portrayed in her books. Spanking, latex suits, how many clothespins do you like?… all of it can be thoroughly typified in an agreement between the Dom and the person who assumes a submissive role.

As humans, we often find ourselves in sexual situations that were unplanned, not discussed, sometimes not even consensual. Rape, in many cases, goes from being the act of getting overpowered sexually to this utter and complete sensation of powerlessness. You can be abused in such a subtle manner that it is difficult to point out. You may suddenly find yourself wondering why you felt coerced into doing something you didn’t want to do. Sometimes, it looks like everything went according to plan. You did consent to sleep with him, yet he decided not to wear a condom or forced you to perform oral sex on him when you didn’t feel like it.

Perhaps you sent him naked pictures of yourself… but you never consented to him sharing them with his friends. Sexual abuse occurs in many ways other than forced penetration, yet self-loathing, lack of self-esteem, and the impenetrable stone walls victims build around them to feel protected are still there.

Sexual abuse can be, and often is, utterly and completely crushing to the spirit and leaves the victim in a critical state of emotional disarray that is very difficult to recover from without help.

By watching a Netflix documentary about Jeffrey Epstein, I learned much more about sexual abuse than everything I’ve learned reading about laws, news, and psychology put together. Focusing on the victims’ testimony, the documentary directors allow us to glimpse certain constants that differentiate sexual abuse as an act of sexual violence and other acts to “rape” a person by constantly taking advantage of their innocence in sexual-related scenarios.

Manipulation and guilt trips:

As a Political Scientist, I can assure you power dynamics are always present in relationships. There is nothing wrong with that, but you have to learn to assess in which position you find yourself in a relationship, especially when it comes to sex.

Yes, dating your school trainer or boss can sound intriguing, mysterious, somewhat dangerous, and that taboo makes it that much more attractive. However, should you do it? NEVER underestimate the power that an authority figure has over you.

Not only do they have power over you on an unconscious level but in other specific aspects of your life. Obviously, this doesn’t mean that dating older, more powerful people should be banned, much less forbidden, but it is worth wondering whether a 16-year-old is on equal footing with a person in their 30s. The answer is, unequivocally: NO!

No matter how mature you are for your age, there are a few scenarios in which you can get potentially hurt or overpowered by getting too close to someone with more experience, contacts, or money. Words and promises are nothing but dust in the wind. Traumas must be worked on in therapy, sometimes for life.

Never forget, a rapist can be handsome, powerful, and successful:

Did I mention Jeffrey Epstein? A man that had everything, and yet he needed to abuse minors. Why? Only an expert psychologist would know after many long therapy sessions. There are platitudes in the psyche of murderers and rapists that go way beyond our imagination.

Some things trigger a thing inside them, and some aren’t able or willing to learn how to control those antisocial impulses. For example, PTSD is a condition that requires therapeutic support so that the patient can understand their triggers. Predators can spend a lifetime fighting urges that one day might become unbearable.

Rape could take place in a church, school, businesses… even between fathers and daughters. A rapist can be anyone, and anyone can be a victim. Talking to your friends, primary caretakers, school counselors, and family members can be vital in detecting suspicious behavior, awkward advances, and potential threats.

I know! Dating older people is fascinating. They have seen the world; they are more experienced and thus understand you better than anyone else. They can also provide you with powerful stability, or the illusion of it, at least. You know why? Because they have already lived much of what you have yet to get the opportunity to experience.

That significant difference leaves you at a complete disadvantage. For an adult to date minors is a crime. Do you know why? Because history has repeatedly shown that youth’s natural innocence is a fertile ground for manipulation and abuse.

Could you steal candy from a 5-year-old kid if you wanted? Well, a person twice your age has all the tools to put you in situations in which it will be difficult, if not impossible, to escape.

Sorry, but you’re not that smart:

One of the things I have learned in my relationships with narcissists and people with other mental disorders is that not all of us know how to assess risks properly. Unless you’re a professional psychologist, we don’t always have enough experience or malice to understand others' motivations. Sometimes we come from abusive families in which we couldn’t develop a healthy… let’s call it a “behavior thermometer.”

In a somewhat naive way, we have all made the mistake of believing that “love can change everything,” that “there are limits that no one would dare to cross,” and that “sometimes things happen because of the victims’ irresponsible behavior.” It’s not like that, and victim-blaming is actually another type of violence.

There are risky situations, ways to calculate probabilities, and, simply put, we have one life, and we have to dare to enjoy it. However, never ignore one fact: victims of rape, murder, and fraud are in many many cases as intelligent, educated, loved, and appreciated in the community as you are.

A sexual predator will always have an “advantage” in his favor. Their perception of limits is so distorted that their behavior will shock you. Taking advantage of that moment of doubt, they will capitalize on that vulnerability. That person may have days, weeks, months planning for this moment.

You don’t.

It is not my intention to make an apology to rapists. On the contrary, I want to make you appreciate your true vulnerability and innocence as a valuable asset of your mental health. Take care of yourself, love yourself, protect yourself.

All those expressions are synonymous if you think about them carefully.

The aftermath:

The overall feeling of confusion is part of sexual trauma. Why me? Should I have dressed differently? Was it my fault? No, it was not. A rape victim is never responsible for suffering such transgression or for the consequences it might entail.

But, looking back, I can’t help but wonder… Could it have been otherwise? All I can tell you is that recovery takes time.

Over the years, therapy and a lot of work to rebuild your self-esteem, doubts will begin to clear up, confusion will fade away, and you’ll understand that one event doesn’t define you or your future.

This is the quintessential case of “It isn’t me. It’s you”. Leaving that moment in the past, where it belongs, will help you become aware of the present and how you can actively change the world.

Like writing an essay about past traumatic experiences, at least that’s the path I’m choosing from now on.