A hacker jacked me through the backdoor

I Am a Victim of Sextortion Blackmail

I got caught with my pants down

FACEBOOK POST 1

Hey Facebook friends, I am a victim of sextortion blackmail. Some rando incel hacker jacked into my system, bypassed my security measures, and used my webcam to catch me with my pants down. By that, I mean he recorded compromising footage of me with my pants down around my ankles.

Then I received this email:

I wondered if this anonymous hacker was legit until:

Yeah, I am being blackmailed.

I could pay him without breaking a sweat, but I’m not giving this pilfering jacker power over me.

I won’t be embarrassed or defensive. I won’t panic and try to cover it up or explain it away. But if you’re curious, here’s a little bit of context of what might be on the video:

1) The backhanded technique where I twist my hand upside down

Yes, my penis has an extreme curvature to the left. No, I don’t have Peyronie’s disease. What I also don’t have is ambidexterity. This geometric aberration is due to years of overreliance on my right hand for solipsistic self-care. My rheumatologist and urologist teamed up to introduce me to this therapeutic technique to counteract the damage.

2) The genre of pornography

It’s not like I have go-to porn. I simply Google searched (incognito mode): “most popular heteronormative pornography.” (Why “heteronormative”? Not ambidextrous = not a switch-hitter. IYKYK) I clicked the top search result. I didn’t even know what that term meant. I thought it was some form of martial art.

3) The “swinging my legs over the cam and scooting up for a close-up of my taint” thing

I was role-playing with a young woman named Kitty Jiggles in a Chatty-Boobie-Coochie-Chat™ chat room. We were immersed in role-playing patient-doctor. And then she threw a monkey wrench into things. Well, it looked and clanged like a monkey wrench. Turned out to be a colonoscopy. Suddenly patient — doctor turns into patient — proctologist. She ordered a colonoscopy. And let’s just say good patients follow doctor’s orders

Lock and load your delete button and be on the lookout for suspicious. Emails. But don't worry about me if that cybercrime slime sneaks into your inbox and you accidentally see the video.

I have faith in you as humans. You will reconcile the me you know with the fleeting glimpse of the sweaty, degenerate, moaning like-a-coked-out-lemur-knob-gobbling-a-kazoo horndog me in the video.

I don’t want to think of my Facebook friends as poser-wannabe influencers selling their perfectly crafted fake selves. So, let he who is without sin (or random DIY diddle in a chat room) throw the first stone.

If you do have stones to hurl in my direction, wussie, feel free to unfriend or block me now. It won’t bother me. I have no more fucks to give.

FACEBOOK POST 2

Hey Tribe, sorry, I lost my cool yesterday.

I may have underestimated the fucks I had to give. I allowed that feckless flimflam to get under my skin.

After a meditation session with Kitty and her breasts, I decided to turn this personal tragedy into an opportunity for growth. We must no longer fear revealing our true selves on social media.

Facebook friends, stand with me in solidarity to show this sus pus we will not cower to his threats of shame. Let’s beat him at his own game.

No more filters. No more deception. No more clothes.

Join me in this simple, easy-peasy — act of rebellion.

If you’re a guy, post a full-frontal nude shot. I get if you need to twiddle your diddle to get a semi-chub for aesthetic purposes.

If you’re a woman, nipples or cooch. It’s up to you.

To avoid Facebook content moderation, just avoid lewd gestures and showing bodily fluids and add the hashtag “#art.”

Or post it on X. They’ll let you get away with anything over there.

FACEBOOK POST 3

Okay, I’m back.

Maybe it’s for the best no one participated in my proposed snatch-snap/shaft-shot solidarity gesture.

Today, I received an email from the Federal Trade Commission. They informed me I misused the term “jacked.” The correct term is “hacked.”

Additionally, they said this incident was merely a Phishing attempt. There is no evidence of unauthorized access to my computer.

To those who blocked me, I will reach out individually.

For the rest of you, it’s back to normal.

FACEBOOK POST 4

First, thank you to those who expressed concern about my mental health over the last few weeks.

I can finally let the cat out of the bag.

My post about the sextortion blackmail was a satirical piece I submitted to a few publications. I fooled some of you, ha! #waroftheworlds.

McSweeney’s rejected it, so I’ll probably just publish it on Medium.

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or events is coincidental. Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of the people involved.

More silliness:

Proof that I am not shallow:

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