Sexting for Beginners

A Brief Guide

Quarantine and social distancing had just gotten a whole lot more interesting a few months ago. And let’s just say it started off innocent enough. I’m constantly on social media, especially Instagram, because I’m either viewing reels, related TikTok videos, or trying to find someone interesting or new to follow. Ever so often, someone will want to add me as a friend and get into my DMs, i.e., direct messaging.

Lately, I’ve had the normalized occurrence of a man adding me as a “friend” on this social media and Facebook or Instagram. Men private messaging me seems to be happening more during the “trapped ” phase of our COVID-19 existence (But there is nothing natural about being indoors while trying to “date” someone.) The good news is that I’m single. The bad news is that I’m single. After adding me as a “friend,” my new bestie, usually a cute, 20-something-year-old, or a widowed or divorced man with 1–2 kids, will message me. Trust me: There is no in-between in dealing with men who’re interested in me online.

I usually speak to both types of men. I understand the need for conversation, and some level of intimacy, during our time stuck in-doors with minimal face-to-face interactions. The younger men want to discuss sex: What they’re going to “do” to me, especially when they get their hands on me, and ask for a plethora of sexy pictures of my body parts. The more mature men want to marry me and often say they need a ‘good, honest, woman’ like myself to take care of them and their kids. It is astounding the ways and means at which men direct their honesty in pursuit of their enterprises, and I think there’s something that women can learn from it. So, after presenting myself to a widower as a woman with emotional baggage issues who hasn’t gotten over her “ex,” i.e., a long-lost friend I wanted as a lover, I started sexting a younger man.

What you should know is that right away, some awkward moments can develop. After all, this new person you’re sexting is a stranger, not a partner. So, lots of levels of intimacy, friendship, and flirting are mashed up here. You will get annoyed because you’re trying to get to know them. You’ll end up flirting a lot cause it’s fun and easy. And yes, feelings can develop quicker than you imagined, because even virtually, you’re being intimate with another human being. This last part was shocking: But I looked forward to my evening “romps” with my virtual lover, and we had a schedule because we were in different time zones. Strangely, I never thought it’d be more of a one-night stand, but it turned out to be several nights and weekends and “sleepovers.”

The funniest and most non-sensical part, and perhaps the sweetest, is when the friendship begins to enter into your new online partnership. You’re waiting patiently for your sexy gif from your new bestie so your foreplay can come to some fruition and your partner starts asking you about blogging or some other random sh*t. At this point, I’m thinking: “I came here to get my ‘socks knocked off,’ and he wants to talk about a new blogging venture?” My equivalent answer is something like, ‘Honey, can you please finish what we started before I turn into an angry kitty?” I can’t believe he’s talking about day-to-day stuff during our sexy talk. Once I put up the ‘angry kitty’ face, we go back to virtual foreplay.

And so, there are some rules to follow that would help to mitigate intimate moments with strangers. However, coming into this situation, I didn’t know any. He begged for intimate pictures. I sent none. My young sexting partner seemed to be interested in getting his needs satisfied. Suddenly, my online fantasy virtual lover became a controlling, emotionally abusive partner. I explained to him I was uncomfortable sending these types of private images because we didn’t know each other well, and I didn’t want them circling the Internet. He would seem to agree, at first, but would quickly go back to demanding more images.

I blocked him…a few times. Then, he disappeared.

Ghosting turned out to be a good thing. But the experience left me a little sad and distraught. Why had I agreed to this kind of intimacy? I thought I was smart enough not to allow this kind of manipulation. And why did I miss this person? We had only FaceTimed briefly; it was mostly DMs.

I missed the excitement and the thrill of being desired. I liked the continuity of the intimacy and being free to express myself in ways that I wanted. All in all, I doubt I would ever do such a thing again unless it were with a long-time partner. But I learned that being committed to sensual intimacy is just as crucial to committing to someone in every other way.

Here’re my takeaways on sexting:

1. People need intimacy of all kinds, and sexting might not satisfy any of them. The physical demands require imagination, but emotionally, you also might be left wanting.
2. People can get very dirty and very graphic, very quickly, when there are no restraints. I was amazed at how fast I became different and more sensual when I felt like I wasn’t judged. I didn’t know this person or his family, and he didn’t know me or anyone in my life. The freedom to explore, and be real about my needs, made me feel more adult.
3. People are vultures, and social media environments, prey on the most vulnerable. Those who are shy, socially awkward, feel lonely, or lack experience or discernment, particularly when it comes to online predators, can get hurt, blackmailed, and become psychologically-entangled in some hazardous circumstances.
4. People need relationships and friendships. Well, aren’t they the same? I now believe that people need sensual or sexual relationships as well as friendships. And often, these types of needs cannot be met within the same individual. I’m not sure what to do about this realization. But I definitely didn’t want to be friends with the guy I was sexting online!
5. Being online is not reality; it’s not real life. And it’s mostly selfish. It’s about going after what YOU want, setting the parameters of various interactions, and even controlling the outcome. It’s often not even about the other individual, which means, unless you’ve met this person before, and had a prior relationship with them, you’re having a relationship in the mirror, with yourself. (I’m aware of successful online partnerships which explore varying levels of intimacy and not just sensual.)

I’ve learned that the best kind of intimacy, for me, is letting people in and getting to know them.

Know thyself, and “to thine own self be true.” — Hamlet