LOVE|PSYCHOLOGY
SEXIness Is A State of BEING That Can And SHOULD Be Cultivated
To all my single ladies, this one’s especially for you, but sexiness IS for EVERYONE
Two of my favorite writers here on Medium, Natasha Nichole Lake and Misty Rae have each written stories recently that have inspired this one.
Misty invited me to, “toot my own horn,” which I did NOT feel comfortable doing. However, once I read the following line from Natasha’s most recent story, I immediately knew I had to write something that would link the two.
I’d never heard an adult woman compliment her body. I didn’t know if I was doing it right.
It literally took my breath away…and not in a good way.
Here’s a little more of what she said beforehand to provide more context:
For the first time in 30+ years, I stared at my body and immediately accepted it as beautiful.
For the first time, in this lifetime, I didn’t want to label and taunt it with someone else’s definition of healthy. I didn’t want to compare it to an IG model post-BBL (Brazilian butt-lift).
I leaned in and whispered, “Damn. I’m sexy?!”
There was a mild hint of confusion in my tone. Because-
I’d never heard an adult woman compliment her body. I didn’t know if I was doing it right.
***I added emphasis to the sentences in bold to highlight them.
Sometimes I forget just how much of a real struggle it is for innumerable women to give ourselves sincere compliments.
It did not come naturally to me.
In fact, I had to work really hard to overcome poor self-esteem despite multiple people telling me since I was a child that I should look into modeling.
I picked every little part of myself apart for as long as I could remember and always came up “not good enough for _______(whatever/whomeever).”
Fortunately, I did have some relatives and women with whom I came into contact who were unapologetically bold, sexual and vivacious.
Most of them also did not fit into society’s standards of beauty- and they could not care less!
Two of these women were my cousins, but not sisters. One was much older than me and babysat me at times. She was around 350 pounds with a large gap between her front teeth and even had hair growing from her chin at one point.
She didn’t give a f*ck!
And you know what, she ended up meeting and marrying a kind and wonderful man who thinks the world of her.
My other cousin was only 2 years older than me and drop-dead gorgeous according to “traditional standards”, but would get some backhanded compliments from messed up people who would say things like, “You’re really pretty for a dark-skinned girl.”
She didn’t give a fuck either because she wasn’t looking for anyone else to validate how she felt about herself.
That was MY problem — and the biggest problem many women face.
Too many women look for someone ELSE to make us feel sexy.
When I moved to Seattle, WA shortly before my 20th birthday, I made it my mission to love, accept AND appreciate myself AS IS.
I learned the hard way that this journey is one of constant maintenance, not just attainment, especially in our global society!
Strong, sexually empowered women who aren’t looking for anyone outside themselves to make them feel sexy is way too often “frowned upon”, even by other women!
I just wanted to love and be loved.
It was so hard to feel this to the degree that I wanted from anyone else — that is the main reason I dug so deep into myself for this.
I found the unconditional, profound love for which I’d been searching.
It was within me the whole time because it WAS me.
I just needed the eyes/perspective to see it.
Once I did, I could never not see it…although there have been plenty of times that it’s been shrouded in pain and/or sadness.
It’s an ongoing journey with plenty of ups and downs and all arounds that I’ve shared in other stories that are linked at the bottom of this one.
Here are 8 of the MOST VALUABLE TOOLS in my “self-care toolbox” that allow me to BE (more often than not) the SEXY, LOVING, LAUGHING, CREATIVE and INSPIRING human BEING that I enjoy being:
1- Books: When I moved to Seattle, books became my best friends. I would not be the person I am, then or now, without them. My “top 10” list is currently pinned to my profile because they’re that important to me.
2- Music: Artists like Aretha Franklin, Whitney Houston, Björk, Prince, Madonna, Lauryn Hill, Erykah Badu, U2, Peter Gabriel all made me feel GLORIOUSLY WONDER FULL to be a female. This was and is vital.
In my late 20’s, I taught myself to play various musical instruments which opened up a whole new world to me as well. Rocking out on guitar or drums while singing is one of the sexiest feelings on earth to me.
3- Writing/Journalling: I’ve kept a journal regularly since I was 12 years old (I’m 45). I’ve written more notes, letters, emails, essays, papers, etc., than I could ever count. I’ve written and published around 170 stories here on Medium in the past 4 1/2 months. It’s almost as important as breathing, for me.
4- Friends/Family: I devalued my relationships with people when I was younger which has made me come to appreciate them immensely as I’ve gotten older. Being able to be completely honest and myself with them has helped me thrive and not just survive in life. They are key to getting my sexy back when the inevitable brutality that is living knocks me down.
5- Nature: The sexiest thing in the universe to me is Nature! I honestly don’t know anything that excites and lights my fire more than the incredible variety that exists in Nature.
WE. ARE. NATURE! However, the personality traits that some humans express through their natural bodies completely turns me off, thus the reason I like to spend time away from humans with other various forms of Nature.
6- Stretching/Meditation/Yoga/Massage/Baths: I’ve written a couple of stories about these things as well. Will link them at the bottom. It’s an integral part of tuning this vessel that I use to interact with the world “inside” and “outside”. These things are slices of heaven on earth, for me.
7- Cooking: Talk about slicing and dicing…cooking delicious and nutritious food using whole ingredients has become one of my favorite things in the world to do. What we feed ourselves strongly impacts how we feel mentally, emotionally and physically. This is especially true for women who are oftentimes going through some kind of hormonal change on any given day.
8- Travel: It can be some place just an hour drive away or a 10 hour’s flight away. I am a firm believer in changing up our environment in order to shift perspectives and see things in ways that might not be seen otherwise. Immersing myself in other cultures has helped me grow more than I ever imagined. More than half of the 13 international trips I’ve taken in my life have been by myself and I have loved every single solitary second!
Oh yeah, one last thing, facing my fears has been a big contributing factor as to “things that make me feel sexy”.
The size and power of horses has always intimidated me, but I didn’t let that stop me from learning how to ride.
In 2017, I met a man in Italy who was a beekeeper. As much as I love honey, I was afraid of bees, until I learned more about them — and how to protect myself.
Sending you all big hugs and best wishes as you continue to claim and reclaim YOUR version of sexy!
Here are those stories I mentioned earlier:
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