Sex With Lovers and Friends is the Best Sex You’ll Ever Have

Casual sex with strangers has always let me down and left me feeling empty inside

One-night stands are a bit like stale corn chips. On the outside, everything appears just right. But the moment you take a bite out of it, you quickly realize that something is a bit off. It might have all of the usual delicious flavors of a regular corn chip, but you come to find out the texture is different the moment it crumbles in your mouth.

And from what I understand, 81% of American women are with me on this sentiment. The majority of sex with strangers is bad sex, at least according to these women (and me). I wonder how many guys out there are with me on this one.

Sex with a total stranger is grittier, rougher than normal. You were expecting a delicious chip and ended up with a not-so-delicious disappointment. Something is missing, though you can’t always quite put your finger on it.

Everything feels simultaneously rehearsed yet totally awkward. Like you’re the star and costar of a movie, and you don’t know any of your lines.

But don’t get ahead of me now.

I’m no stranger to casual sex. I’ve had plenty. And I’m thankful for each and every one of those experiences. But at the same time, I’ve also had wonderful experiences with a lot of close people that I will forever treasure.

My youth was characterized by a lot of sex with partners I wasn’t in a relationship with. Most of them were close friends of mine and we decided to embark on a little experimentation.

All of this begs the question, what exactly is casual sex? Does fucking your friend count as “casual,” even if you’ve already established a years-long relationship with that person that was platonic, perhaps with a little flirtation?

Is sex with a close friend more akin to sex with a romantic partner or is it closer to sex with a complete stranger?

I think we need a better definition of what “casual” means.

Friends and Complete Strangers

You’ve heard the laments a million times. That marriage is on its deathbed. That casual sex with total strangers is taking over, with Tinder and OKCupid hookups becoming the norm and traditional relationships taking a backseat.

There’s a sense of loss and longing among people, especially young people today, that long-term relationships are a thing of the past.

Fortunately, if you’re one of these people I’ve got some news for you, the science doesn’t bear this gut feeling we have out. At least not in the way we think of it.

While there’s been an uptick in casual sex (outside of a relationship), there hasn’t been an uptick in the number of partners people have, or even sex with strangers.

What has been on the rise? Sex with close friends.

People are opting for sex and companionship together over sex without companionship or tying themselves down into a long-term relationship.

Friends-with-benefits sex is on the rise. And it’s also quite different, in my experience, from sex with total strangers.

Once Upon a Time…

The first time I had penetrative sex, it was with a young woman in my friend circle. We all hung out and she and I had flirted for a few days beforehand. When we all had a get-together at her house, she invited me up into her bedroom where we immediately proceeded to make out with one another.

We were soon interrupted by a swarm of giggly teenagers outside of the door, knocking, laughing, and cracking jokes. Hey, humble beginnings.

Later that evening, we all went out to a pool party where we found time and tucked into a private space where we could finally get together and perform the sex we’d set out to do.

When the moment came, we couldn’t take our hands off each other. Every kiss was breathtaking, full of adventure and fun, every clutch and embrace was like we were trying to suck out the last few moments of our lives together before transcending into a world where we’d never touch another human being ever again.

Finally, our moment happened. It had been in the works for a long time. I’d had a crush on her and she’d had a crush on me the entire time. For months, we sat and said nothing, silently thinking to ourselves, wishing someone would make the first move.

That build-up proved to be the necessary breeding ground for our mutual attraction.

Losing My Religion

Just like REM, we were losing our religion (which is what that song is actually about) over one another, silently, internally, with pressure and attraction building.

Grunge.com said of the song:

In a New York Times interview from 1991 (AKA, the year the song came out), Stipe said it was about “romantic expression,” and noted that the phrase “losing my religion” was actually a Southern US expression referring to being at the end of one’s rope. Stipe has generally said that the song’s narrator is pained by one of those messy unrequited love situations that so many songs arise from, as the narrator’s inability to find love with his crush reaches a breaking point.

Romance is like a slow burn thriller; when the film takes a while to unfold and you patiently wait for it, brewing with desire and anticipation, only to be blown away the moment the plot twists happen and leave you speechless.

When silent attraction manifests, the feelings are the same, only much more intense. It’s a lot of waiting and hoping it will be good, and when it turns out good, our neurons go haywire and reward us with a cocktail of hormones that make us feel wonderful.

The Exact Opposite

Skip forward to years later and I’ll never forget my first one-night stand. A group of friends and I went out to a bar in Downtown LA. I met a friend of a friend and we all started drinking, dancing, and listening to the pummeling sound of the bass drums kick us through the speakers. It was an awesome night and I met a lot of great people.

As I made my way to one of the velvet couches set up to take a rest, a young woman from our friend circle came over and hopped up on my lap. The club had almost nude dancers, both male and female, lots of nipple tape, and plenty of risque behavior going on out on the dancefloor, so this was nothing out of the ordinary.

We hit it off and she asked if she could come home with me. I obliged and thought I’d gotten so incredibly lucky.

We made it back to my place after only knowing one another for a few hours, opened up our contraceptive package, and got to work. Then I took a bite. And it was like a stale corn chip.

This isn’t to say there’s anything wrong with this woman. We ended up becoming great friends and spent years hanging out together after that night. We even tried to have casual sex a few more times, but it wasn’t all that great.

It was lackluster. And something was definitely missing.

Looking back, what was lost was the build-up, the anticipation, the arousal that comes along over a long period of time of harboring an interest in someone.

I Need To Want You

Double the intensity if that romantic interest is secret or somehow made off-limits. They say we humans “want what we can’t have” but I say, “we want what want — doubly so if we can’t have it.”

The ancient Roman proverb goes, “The apple is always sweeter when the keeper is away.” A prize won through effort is just a little bit sweeter than one given to us freely.

I don’t think this is gendered either and I’m here to proclaim, loudly and proudly, that we men truly desire to have a deep, long-built attraction that came about over time. While I’ve had my share of quick sex with strangers, it always left me feeling like something was missing. That indescribable magic that happens when you feel something strongly for someone.

I sense everyone’s like this. That’s why REM’s song, once we realize what it’s about, resonates with us so strongly. We all know that quiet desire that’s unspoken, especially if it’s mutual, and the awkward feelings it brings up within us.

There’s an old trope that says that men want modest, even coy women who are shy and hard to get; and women want the opposite. But this is on its face false. I think all people want to desire someone. And, if you’re anything like me, desire takes time.

And none of this means I just want romance with people who are off-limits. What it actually means is that I prefer to allow the attraction to build and grow, authentically and organically, before trying to force myself into a situation of sex for sex’s sake.

I need to want someone before the sex can be great, and that takes time.

Sex is always best with either lovers or close friends. Always has been, always will be.

The big takeaway from all of this is to connect first. And then let things fall together organically. You can always enjoy a lot more sex later if you’re patient and just let it unfold.