Satire
Sex Toy Boutiques Deemed Essential Now
The Bay Area breathes a huge sigh of relief.
Two Bay Area Counties Declare Good Vibrations and other Sexual Enhancement Boutiques “Essential” Allowable Lockdown Businesses as long as they follow Public Health Department and Safe Sex precautions.
An exclusive from POOP — Procrastinators Organic Original Publications: Blame it on May being the Official National Masturbation Month. At least in the Bay Area. Or at least give it due credit.
So when several regular and revered clients complained to City Hall at a recent doomed and zoomed Town Hall meeting and open mic, the gov’ment took the charges of hypocrisy seriously.
During a three hour discussion, during which no one’s hands were visible, and some eyes looked glassy, City Council members boiled the issue down to two choices: Either give the sex shops “essential” operational status or rescind the designation of May as Masturbation Month.
The latter proved most impractical
First of all, May is almost over. So the only way to rescind would be to roll back the clock. That’s hard enough to do for one hour when we go on daylight savings time, let alone 22 days.
Secondly, the entire state is on lockdown — i.e., mostly alone, going stir-crazy with cabin fever (but hopefully not Corona-related fever.) How dare we remove our Good City Keeping Seal of Approval when there are so few meaningful pastimes available!
For her part, the Seal barked her approval from over at Pier 39 where she lay basking in the mid-spring sun. If she’s able to partake in Private Dancing, she wasn’t letting on. But given she lay flopped in a full pod of seals on the pilings, we decided not to probe any farther.
She did clap her flippers three times and whispered, there’s no place like San Francisco, there’s no place like San Francisco, there’s no place like San Francisco, which everyone knows is a true and lovely statement and sort of punny given our notorious gay community in the Castro District.
And how, at least when us boomers were coming up, The Wizard of Oz was an iconic favorite in this community and is often reprieved in sing-a-long format at the famous Castro Theater. Hopefully, we don’t have to explain about the ruby slippers. Or Toto, too. Toto, too? Toto, too!
Our man in the street…
Speaking of the Castro District, that’s indeed where one of the branches of Good Vibrations makes its home, or at least in spirit if not in body. The owners are responsible for the initial creation of Masturbation Month, so there is a hands-on connection.
We sent a reporter there who, with great difficulty, was able to park close enough to ensure via spyglass that the shop was using every possible precaution. One of the options for customers is curbside delivery. Our reporter whistled with envy at the size of the boxes placed in smiling customer’s arms.
Least we contribute to a stereotype, we sent another reporter to the Oakland store in the fashionable but not as flashy Lakeshore District. While there weren’t as many customers lined up in sex foot intervals, they were noticeably diverse in age, ethnicity, and temperament.
One customer pulled her trench coat around her ears despite the balmy 70-degree weather. The man in front of her kept taking selfies and dictating texts such as, you’ll never guess where I am. And when’s your birthday again? Whoever the lucky recipient is, we at POOP wish you many happy orgasms of the day!
And now for a disclaimer of sorts…
For those of you thinking, oh, how f*ing bourgeois. I don’t need a stinkin’ vibrator or dildo to pleasure myself, you’re right. Many household objects work just fine, though please sterilize or use a condom for your own and their protection. And of course, as a last resort, your very own super-duper, extra-clean hands.
But have you heard of Affiliate Marketing? We wish we had thought to arrange for that before wiring this post. Then we’d make a meager percentage off of any of you who ran out to purchase one of these titillating products. But we weren’t that pro-active, unfortunately.
Do you realize how broke we are here at POOP, with our bylines getting picked up so rarely? Hopefully, by the time we post again, some arrangements will have been made.
As for our Private Dancing, that will be behind closed drapes, thank you very much!
Thank you, Janie Emaus, for your inspiring post:
Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s a regular columnist for the prison newsletter, Freedom Anywhere, where she writes about faith and prayer. Five of her short plays have been produced in San Francisco. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times.
