Sex Sermons I Grew Up Hearing

and how I think they messed up my view of myself and men

Boys only want one thing. Don’t cause boys and men to stumble. Men are visual. They can’t handle when women dress a certain way. When they look a certain way.

That’s what I read in my teen Christian girl magazines. Basically that guys really wanted to be good, but I’d ruin them if I was sexy.

Then I’d hear at church and in youth group from youth pastors and pastors about porn. That’s the only thing about sex that I’d hear and the topic would probably be preached on once every two years. How so many boys and men struggle with pornography.

The topic would always have me squirming in my seat, feeling like every single boy and man I knew were watching sexy women on the big screen every chance they got doing unspeakable things. Boys with girlfriends. Women with husbands. It made me think that every man was horrible and didn’t ever deserve to be in relationship with a woman because they were just off pleasuring themselves to explicit content. It made me hate them.

It also gave me the deduction about men that was this: all they care about a woman is her body. That’s it. Women are for a mans enjoyment: physical and visual. And if I somehow do anything that might invite that enjoyment then I was bad.

This was really confusing to me because I thought: how the heck is what I do causing them to ‘stumble’ when every single one of them is ‘stumbling’ in a gigantic disgusting way all the time with women on their screens?

I began to think, hey. If my only worth to a man is really my looks, I can do that. I can make sure I’m good looking. I know how to wear tight clothes. I know how to wear high skirts and high shoes. I’m obviously not who’s causing the real ‘stumbling’ so why not get a little attention?

It was a weird feeling; thinking that all men were horrible sexual sinners who disrespected women at their core and also wanting to get their attention the only way that seemed reasonable based on that fact.

As a heterosexual woman, obviously I wanted boyfriends and eventually a husband. But I also secretly distrusted every single one of my boyfriends and find myself distrusting my husband even though he has given me no reason to. I would be hyper-sexual with boyfriends to make sure they found me as interesting as the women they were undoubtedly watching in their pornos every night (according to my assumptions based on what I’d heard about boys and men in church) and found myself always asking them if I looked hot in outfits and making out for hours even when I got sick of it because maybe later if I did that they would think of me instead of turning to porn.

I would find myself asking my husband every few months if he had been looking at porn. He would always assure me that he wasn’t. I would always question it. I thought for sure every single night after I went to bed he was having more fun with the women he saw online.

It was only today… today for the FIRST time, that I heard a couple in a church video talk about sex in a healthy way in a Christian context. I knew this topic was coming after the last marraige class, and I was bracing myself for the uncomfortable, sickening feeling of hearing another message about how men are all watching pornos. But, that’s not what happened. I kept waiting for it to come and it never came.

It talked about cherishing and loving your wife and how the way to a woman’s heart is through talking and listening and the way to a mans heart is through his body. It gave a holistic view of relationship and sex that was so loving and affirming and relational that I couldn’t believe my ears. The conversation around our table was focused on mutual love and affection and care. NOTHING about how every man just wanted his wife to go to sleep so he could watch porn. NOTHING.

I had the epiphany at the table during discussion that this had been the only message about sex in the church that I grew up with and I shared it with the group.

I think that this message fed to me my whole life in the church is really where a LOT of my body insecurity stemmed from. And I never drew the connection until today.

It turns out that not every man watches porn. It also turns out that men love their wives for more than just their bodies.

Woah. Who knew?