CREATIVE SOLUTIONS

Sex Logistics for Busy Parents

Infertility blogger Julie Robichaux said it best while wondering at Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s ability to fit f*cking into their busy schedules:

“They must be hittin’ it sideways after Bible study.”

But what if the pews are too splintery? Fear not. The Doubting Thomas’ mind need wrestle with these logistics no further. Here are a few particulars to help “pull out [that] mushroom tip,” Sublime-style, when there are already 19 Toppings and Counting on your pizza.

Sleepsex. Horny-yet-exhausted couples rejoice. (Not for multitasking novices, people who wear underwear to bed, or empathic couples who haven’t yet resolved to lock small children out of their bedroom at night.)

The Quickie in a Rental Car on the Way to Your Hometown Friend’s Wedding. Okay, this isn’t ideal from an “indecent exposure” standpoint. But you’ll have a hell of a lot more privacy there than at your house. And let’s be honest; it’s actually Grandma’s car. Who do you think is babysitting the kids?

The Old-Fashioned. Hey, what’s that on the movie theater screen? Oh wait. Here’s your diagonal d*ck underneath the armrest.

In the Family Restroom at the Aquatic Center. Put a lifejacket on your youngest because he’s not yet water-safe, then tell your seventeen-year-old that you and Dad both need to go take a dump. Walk, don’t run! Bring your flip-flops.

Right Before the Hockey Banquet While Everyone Under Age 12 is Huddled Around the Kitchen Tablet Watching Gabby’s Dollhouse. You have seven minutes before everyone needs to pile into the van — use them wisely.

Join Lindy Vogel on Medium, get her humor newsletter, and follow Sweary Mommy for more couple’s intimacy tips.