Sex is a Lot Like Pizza

29 similarities you probably didn’t expect.

1. Sometimes you can walk into a room and tell someone just ate pizza. Like a lot of pizza. It’s as if they rubbed pizza into the carpet and the walls. You should be careful not to step in any pizza sauce.
2. Don’t dismiss a pizzeria just because it looks boring or plain. An unassuming pizzeria can serve shockingly good pizza. So good it realigns your chakras, clears your sinuses, and brings into question everything you thought you knew about pizza.
3. That being said, not all pizza is good. If the pizza itself looks greasy or the toppings don’t seem fresh, then you should politely decline the pizza. There is definitely such a thing as bad pizza.
4. There are moments when you will be very picky about pizza and possibly swear off pizza completely for a while. Then there are 3 AM moments, when you’re leaving the bar a little drunk and would eat any pizza that came along. You might have both these moments in the same week.
5. Some people really love pizza parties. If you’re invited to a pizza party, remember not to get greedy. You don’t want to be remembered as the person who didn’t leave any pizza for anyone else. There is pizza party etiquette. Also, wear a bib.
6. Maybe you’ve been eating pizza at one place for a long time, but then discover a different pizzeria around the corner and get curious. It’s perfectly fine to check out new pizzerias as long as your usual pizzeria is cool with it.
7. If you check out a new pizzeria without running it by your usual pizza place and get caught, your usual place may stop serving you pizza. If you really mess this up, neither place will serve you pizza.
8. Lots of people will tell you pineapple has no place on a pizza, but they secretly like pineapple on their pizza or they’ve never tried it. Pizza with pineapple can be amazing if you know what you’re doing.
9. Pizza will vary depending on how much time you have. You may have lots of time to enjoy an extra-large pie with everything or you may be in a hurry and settle for a Hot Pocket.
10. You can enjoy a pizza with someone but have no intention of ever eating pizza with them again, even though the pizza was fantastic. This often happens on business trips or at school reunions.
11. New Yorkers always insist they have the best pizza. Always. Even if they are not originally from New York, they still say they have the best pizza. Often their pizza is good, but, meh, you’ve had better.
12. When people really get into pizza, they often accessorize. They may have a pizza stone, pizza plates, or pizza clamps. Some people have an entire room dedicated to pizza.
13. Sometimes you know you will regret eating a pizza before the first bite, but you eat it anyway because you are really hungry for pizza. Then, a week or two goes by and you forget how much you regretted that pizza and try it again. This can become a vicious pizza cycle if you’re not careful.
14. We all have friends who never shut up about pizza and they love telling you about the last incredible pizza they ate. If you haven’t had pizza in a while, these people can be very annoying.
15. It’s a myth that older people don’t eat pizza. They may not indulge in pizza as often, and a certain percentage of men will deal with pizza making issues, but they’ve learned enough to make a damn fine pizza.
16. Pizza for one can be tons of fun. You may spend an entire weekend eating pizza all by yourself, especially if you’ve recently purchased pizza accessories.
17. Despite the wide variety of pizza, some people will insist there is only one kind of pizza to be enjoyed. Let them enjoy their pizza their way, but you keep eating pizza the way you want to eat pizza. Don’t let anyone pizza shame you.
18. Any person who has an office door that locks has eaten pizza in their office. It is some kind of unwritten pizza law. Until now.
19. Never assume someone wants to eat pizza with you. Ask them if they would like to join you for pizza and if they say no, then see #16. If they say yes, then Yay Pizza!
20. Also, some people don’t want certain toppings like anchovies. If you love anchovies, that’s great, but don’t order an anchovy pizza for someone else and insist they try it. That’s bad pizza. It’s okay to say ‘No anchovies.’
21. You can eat pizza any time of day. Breakfast pizza. Second breakfast pizza. Snack pizza. Lunch pizza. Afternoon delight pizza. Dinner pizza. Dessert pizza. Late-night pizza. Oh-god-we-should-get-some-sleep-but-just-one-more-pizza pizza.
22. What’s with all the videos of people eating pizza with their step-siblings or step-parents?
23. There are many ways to eat a pizza — fold, roll, pinch-hold, but only PSYCHOPATHS use a fork and knife. I’m not sure this applies to pizza but it definitely applies to pizza.
24. Sometimes you’re eating pizza with someone and get bored, so you imagine you’re eating pizza with someone else. Everyone who eats pizza has done this at some point.
25. When you’re enjoying pizza, your pets may look at you wistfully wishing they could have their own pizza. You should buy them a pizza if you can.
26. If you have a new pizza partner, the first time you have pizza together can be awkward. Maybe they hold the pizza oddly or make weird pizza faces. However, the next time you have pizza with them, something clicks and you think, ‘Ah, this is great pizza. Glad I had another slice.’
27. Some people only have pizza once a year, on a birthday or anniversary, which is fine. Probably.
28. Other people have a different pizza every night of the week and this is also fine as long as they use bibs and napkins to prevent pizza mishaps and don’t tell their pizza, “I love you, pizza. You’re the only pizza for me.”
29. Sometimes a pizza is just a pizza and sometimes it’s a long, drawn out metaphor that leaves you wondering, ‘Do I want pizza or pizza?’