Standards vs Expectations: Why You Need To Know the Difference

Be the creator of your happiness by mastering the art of setting the bar in your life.

Have you ever felt like you deserve more than you get?

Do you feel there is a discrepancy between what you expect and what you receive?

Have you ever thought about what could be the reason or simply assumed you have no luck?

Do hear yourself say “This always happens to me”?

Let me give you an explanation from a personal perspective of why this happens to you and how you can change it if you want to have what you desire.

We are familiar with the expression (or perhaps you haven’t encountered it): “We live with our bare minimum.” This implies that each of us has a minimum that we cannot go below in various aspects of our lives.

I will describe it in a story so it is clearer in a moment.

Before that let us get some understanding of the two terms.

Expectations vs Standards

So what is expectation and what is a standard then?

Expectation is what we want, and how we would like things to be — it is fictional. This applies to all parts of our life. Relationships, work, food, holidays, etc.

Imagine it like the image that comes to your mind when you think of the holiday you want or a feeling you imagine you will get doing a particular thing.

Expectations often raise the bar unrealistically. These are directly related to our belief system and also to our imagination, the way we want things to turn out. It can go both positively and negatively.

Some people have mostly negative expectations. They even feel they are unlucky as if it is some external invisible force that wants to make them miserable. Others believe we are born with or without luck.

In reality, it is we who create this expectation which turns into self-prophecy — you expect something to happen and you do things subconsciously that will lead to the actual event. No magic, simply actions that lead to different outcomes.

You can also experience the opposite, expecting all the best — my personal favorite.

People like me are often labeled as idealists, optimists, or even delusionalists. Despite recognizing reality, I consciously choose to shape a different one for myself. By expecting the best from people, I often receive positive outcomes.

Of course, this approach doesn’t always succeed because, even though creating your reality is possible, it will inevitably clash with the pessimistic realities of others. In such cases, maintaining standards becomes crucial in navigating these intersections.

Standards

A standard is our established minimum, grounded in facts.

Recognizing individual differences and self-centeredness of people, I acknowledge people have diverse perceptions of the world — distinct realities.

While I strive for positivity, interactions with negativity might occur. Standards act as a safeguard, preventing me from being taken over by another person’s reality. They define the minimum acceptable behavior for me to engage with the other person.

Let us look at the following relationship examples, my favorite ones.

I expect a certain behavior from the man I want as my partner.

This includes, him buying me flowers, sending me good morning texts, checking on me, creating surprises for me, etc. All of the aforementioned are my expectations for the type of relationship I want.

However, until what I want is what I receive, it remains a dream, an expectation.

So one time, I was about to go out with a guy.

He said he would pick me up at 8.

As the clock strikes 8.15 pm, I have still not received a call, and I start to wonder if everything is okay.

I decided to wait and let him call me if he was going to be late. (It was a first or a second date).

I read a book and waited to see what he would do.

In 30 minutes, he still hasn't called. For me this was it. I changed clothes and continued with my evening, as I would have if we were not to go out.

In 45 minutes he finally called to say he was late, creating some ambiguous excuse.

I explained to him I assumed we were off as he did not call to say he would be late and was polite enough to wish him goodnight.

This is a standard.

I will not accept such behavior. My bare minimum is if you are late, you need to call and let me know.

The example I am using is to show what is the difference between a standard and an expectation.

I was expecting he would be on time but it was my standard not to tolerate such behaviour.

If I were to accept his behaviour this would indicate him, my standard is different.

Many times we tolerate behavior we do not like because we do not set or we do not respect our standards, maybe we even do not know them.

People may attribute their tolerance to trivial reasons or understandings, creating excuses in their minds. However, the reality is they act based on their standards being lower than the magnitude of the act itself.

To illustrate further with an extreme scenario, the same individual who tolerates certain behavior might strongly object to the idea of someone physically assaulting them. This once again highlights that we have identified their minimum standard — they won’t accept such actions because it goes against their bare minimum.

Do you follow my logic?

Continuing with the relationship example, I am a woman who respects her time and herself. So I cannot tolerate a man who does not do the same.

Certainly, experiencing traffic delays or other obstacles is something that can happen to anyone. However, with the convenience of having cell phones, it’s possible to make a quick call to ensure the other person isn’t left worrying or waiting. Failing to do so would mean not showing proper respect for the other person’s time.

Low Expectations High Standards

This is how I started living my life after learning the difference between these two concepts.

I do my best to have very low expectations from people and life in general but I have set very high standards for myself that I want from life and the people around me.

Do you see the difference?

What happened in just a few weeks not even months is my life instantly got better. Why? Because when you do what you feel is right for you, you feel satisfied and peaceful, and most importantly — you do not feel the inner resentment of compromising with yourself.

I was receiving what I wanted because I was not tolerating what I did not want.

I am not saying it is easy.

I am saying, if you start doing it you will create a different life for yourself. A better one, where you are living by your own rules. You are navigating your life and how it turns out.

I am extremely happy I have come to realise this early in life and yet I wish I knew that when I was 18.

My life philosophy is the following sentence.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters — Epictetus

Everything in nature is cyclical. When we learn to understand the process and how to adapt and live with it we will find the beauty of it all.

Share with me in the comments your thoughts on this topic. I would love to hear your perspective. The beauty in people for me is how different we are from each other and how much we can learn from each other's perspective.

— With Love, Enigma.

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