Setting a Boundary is a 1-Person Job

You don’t need permission or approval.

When you set a boundary, you are stating your needs.

You are not having a discussion or a debate.

You are not inviting them to share their opinion.

You are stating a fact.

You do not require their input, understanding, or cooperation.

Candidly, they’re not required to say a single fucking thing.

Their main job is to listen.

Anything but listening is probably just another boundary violation.

If you anticipate that they are likely to gaslight, mansplain, justify, minimize, or retaliate, you can even set a preemptive boundary to protect the boundary setting process!

Say, “I need to tell you something, and I would appreciate it if you could just listen without responding. I’m not blaming, attacking, or accusing you of anything, so there is no need to be defensive. I’m simply going to state my needs.”

An optional add-on might be, “If you have some clarifying questions about what my needs are, I’ll be happy to answer them at a later time. Right now, I just want to be heard.”

If you can’t even make it this far without them rolling their eyes, interrupting, or being a shit-head, take note that you are dealing with an emotionally immature person, and it might not be safe to interact with them in this way.

Reactive, volatile, boundary-less, narcissistic, abusive, or manipulative types may require a mediator.

In some cases, it may be best to send them a message. A physical letter would be great to convey the gravity of your words properly. An email would be the next preferable method. A text message would be least desirable but doable in a pinch.

But remember, setting a boundary is your job. It’s not a consensus, collaboration, or a group effort.

Save this and read it before your next difficult conversation.

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