Serial Killer Group Plans Release Of Two Victims To Celebrate Thanksgiving Holiday

Summary

The Serial Killer Group in Salem, Oregon, released two victims named 'Liberty' and 'Bell' to celebrate Thanksgiving, mirroring the presidential turkey pardon tradition.

Abstract

In a darkly satirical turn of events, Sneed Cruller, President of the Oregon Chapter of the Serial Killers Union (SKU), announced the release of two victims as a twisted homage to the Presidential Thanksgiving turkey pardon. The victims, referred to as 'Liberty' and 'Bell,' were left in a forest near Salem with minimal supplies, including a gallon of Nestlé water, dental floss, and commemorative bandanas. The release, which occurred on November 23rd, 2023, was described with a mix of humor and menace, as the group hinted at the potential to re-capture and kill the victims at a later date. Cruller expressed gratitude for the year's 'free kills' and acknowledged their water sponsor, Nestlé, for their support, drawing a parallel between the company's practices and the SKU's predatory nature.

Opinions

The Serial Killer Group views their actions as a form of 'giving back' and celebrates their violent acts as part of a holiday tradition.
There is a sense of dark humor in the way the group names the victims 'Liberty' and 'Bell,' knowing they may still be targets in the future.
The group seems to take pride in their infamy, with Sneed Cruller being on the FBI's "Top 15 under 50" list.
The mention of Nestlé's involvement suggests a critique of corporate practices, likening them to the predatory behavior of the SKU.
The group's leader, Sneed Cruller, appears to be sarcastic about the concept of 'pardoning,' given the uncertain fate of the released victims.

Serial Killer Group Releases Two Victims To Celebrate Thanksgiving Holiday

Beto, picture above, adores his new commemorative bandana made of high-quality materials! Photo by Tony Rojas on Unsplash

Salem, Oregon — Sneed Cruller today announced two victims-to-be will be released in accordance with the tradition of pardoning of two turkeys by the President of the United States of America on Thanksgiving Day.

The freed victims were already released on Thanksgiving. They were dropped off in a secluded forest area within a 15-mile radius of Salem while raggedly dressed. They were given a gallon of Nestlé bottled water, dental floss, and a commemorative bandana. The release took place overnight on November 23rd, 2023. The lottery winners will have a new appreciation for the phrase ‘let freedom ring’.

“We have code-named the victims ‘Liberty’ and ‘Bell’ because we know that we can come back and ka-bong them with a shovel anytime after today. Don’t think we won’t ring their bells in a week or a couple of months if we get bored. The release time wasn’t fixed — Carl had to go pick up his kids at his ex’s mother’s house at 8 PM. Bill made 4–5 pecan pies for his extended family and had to travel locally.”

“This year, we’re giving thanks for the bountiful free kills we’ve had over the past year. I’d also like to thank our water partner Nestlé, who knows a thing or two about victimizing communities. Thanksgiving is when we become richer by giving back. Maybe we’ll see you sometime soon — when you decide to walk home solo from the bar. I proclaim Liberty and Bell pardoned. I hope they make it out of the woods okay.”

Sneed is President of the Oregon Chapter of the Serial Killers Union (SKU) and a long-time member of the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s “Top 15 under 50” list.

SATIRE

Serial Killer Group Releases Two Victims To Celebrate Thanksgiving Holiday