September

A roller coaster retrospective

When I was a little kid September was always one of my favorite months of the year. It was always a month of change. Summer was over and a new school year was beginning. The air was always crackling with electricity during the month of September.

When I was fourteen years old I returned to America at the beginning of September after having spent three glorious months traveling around Europe. Personally, I think every fourteen-year-old should spend the summer on some continent other than the one they live on. It is a mind-blowing education that the public education system is simply incapable of providing.

Returning to Texas after three months in Europe I was aghast by how ‘American’ everything was. The cars were so big and the streets were so wide and the prevailing social conventions were so darn narrow-minded and restrictive. Everything was so fake and plastic and cookie-cutter. And the females seemed so different. It seemed like American society was so far behind that of Europe.

It was near the end of that very same September that I permanently left the Catholic church. After coming out of church on the last Sunday of that particular September I looked up into the sky and made a pact with God that I would never, ever, ever, ever set foot in a church again as long as I lived. (So far I have kept that promise.) From that moment on my relationship with God was strictly personal. It became a one-on-one relationship with no middleman.

The next September I came really, really close to losing my virginity but it didn’t happen. I got called out after tripping over third base.

It was in September of my senior year in high school that I got suspended from school for committing the audacious American crime of “kissing a girl in the hallway.” I was so goddam proud of myself.

About four Septembers later I got back together with my first wife only to separate from her again before the month was out.

Soon thereafter I left Texas and moved to the East Coast. I was back in Texas by the following September.

A few years later — after several jobs and girlfriends — I left Texas in the month of September and moved to Los Angeles. I spent exactly one year there (to the day) and left the following September to move back to Texas.

I ended up spending an euphoric year in Texas during which time I got married for a second time. It was in September that my newlywed bride and I left Texas FOREVER.

We moved to New Mexico and one year later my bride was pregnant and we spent the month of September going back and forth to the hospital following several false labors. According to the doctors our daughter was due to be born in the month of September but it turned out our daughter wanted nothing to do with the month of September so she waited for the month of October to be born.

We lived in New Mexico for several years, moving to a new place every September. Eventually we left New Mexico and moved to Oregon — in the month of September. We arrived in Oregon in late September just as the fall foliage was beginning. We arrived at our destination of Ashland just as a booming thunderstorm was ending. Driving down the mountains into the little valley where Ashland is located a huge, brilliant double rainbow appeared in the sky above Ashland. We took that as a sign that perhaps we had arrived at our paradise. (This was especially pertinent considering that we gave our daughter a middle name that meant ‘rainbow’ in a foreign language.)

The following September, however, we found ourselves moving out of Oregon. We moved to Washington State but there was no rainbow awaiting us there. After all, a rainbow won’t happen without sunshine and sunshine is a rare commodity in Washington State.

We lived in Washington for one year and the following September we moved back to the holy state of New Mexico. One year later in the next month of September we moved to Colorado. There was no rainbow in the sky when we arrived but we did spend our first night in Colorado at the Rainbow Inn Motel. I’m not sure that counts but it sure was appropriate.

I lived in Colorado for eighteen years. My wife and daughter did not live there quite that long. The most beautiful month of the year in Colorado, by the way, is September. It is the month all the many aspen trees erupt in an orgasmic display of color. September was always my favorite month of the year in the mountains. And it was always the month of change when things happened.

It was a day late in September when my wife came home one day only to announce that she really wasn’t coming home, that she was merely stopping by to pick up some of her things. She intended to spend the night with her boyfriend.

Oh… Boyfriend? Really?

So it was just me and my daughter and the dog and the cat living in the apartment. A few months later the daughter left to go live with her boyfriend. It was just me and the dog and the cat. And then a few months later my daughter got married and left Colorado to go live on the Great Plains of Turtle Island where she proceeded to squirt out a baby.

And then the following September my beloved dog died. The cat kicked the bucket a few months later. I was the only one left.

So eventually I moved to the Great Plains of Turtle Island. After living here for seven and a half years I can attest to the fact that the most beautiful month of the year around here is September. The tortuous heat of the summer finally subsides before the crippling cold of winter sets in. There aren’t many trees around here but every one of them goes into full fall foliage by the end of September. Of these last seven and a half years that I’ve been here I have truly enjoyed every September. It is without a doubt the best month of the year.

Monday night is my Friday. I happen to have Tuesdays and Wednesdays off each week. That is my weekend and that is why I was particularly happy today when I shut things down. I locked up the business at 8 p.m. and turned around. We had just had a small rain shower. Looking across the street and up into the sky I saw a full rainbow arched across the sky.

Yes, I am one of those weirdos who get unduly excited by seeing a rainbow. I cannot see a rainbow without stopping whatever I am doing and staring at it like it was some message from God or something.

I stood there and stared at the rainbow as I performed the rainbow asana. I utilized the Spinning White Light Hands Technique in order to create the prismatic effect allowing rainbow mojo to enter my being.

As the sun set behind me the rainbow faded away and disappeared.

I walked the two blocks home to my apartment fully invigorated both by the rainbow mojo and the fact that I was beginning my weekend.

When I got home one of the first things I did was take off my tennis shoes and socklets. I’m never truly at home until I am in my flip-flops. I continued with other “coming home” rituals until I finally went into my kitchen to pour myself a glass of holy water. And that is when I saw it…

Courtesy of my bank, I have a traditional calendar on the wall of my kitchen. I suddenly noticed that the calendar was still turned to the month of August. I had been dating everything at work September 3rd. It was September for crying out loud! But I had not yet turned the page of my calendar!

So before I did anything else I went to the calendar and flipped the page to September. And you know what my first thought was upon turning the page?

My first thought was, “Holy shit! What the fuck is going to happen this September?!”

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