Selling You a Better Life on Poshmark

When it comes to appropriating parts of other peoples’ lives, Poshmark shoppers want it all.

You may have noticed that Euro-vagabond fashion is trending. You know, the look where one of those Snuggle Bear jackets is paired with some kind of skinny jeans-sweatpants mash up and dad sneakers that look like they were worn in an iron man competition — the whole thing, including the swimming. This trend is evident on Poshmark, the online marketplace where you can sell your used clothes to willing buyers. But it turns out that people are hungry for more than just what’s in the your closet. When it comes to appropriating parts of other peoples’ lives, there’s almost nothing Poshmark shoppers won’t buy.

For instance, I sold the lid of a garbage can, which I advertised as a trendy hat, to a girl in Austin, Texas. Then I sold a button down and Patagonia-branded life jacket to a guy in Washington, D.C., promising it would make him look a few inches taller and a lot cooler when riding a Bird scooter. Understanding my fashionable buyers better, I offered next: “The ability to pull off bangs and high-waisted jeans” — which sold in minutes. Even more impressive was how quickly I sold “The engagement you’ve been waiting for” — 42 seconds.

Feeling more motivated than after an episode of Queer Eye, I unloaded “The power to quote all Adam Sandler movies (including Grown Ups 2)” to a woman in finance. Coincidently, her male co-worker also bought from me, “The capacity to enjoy whiskey” — hope it’s working out, ToughGuyTitus89!

One weekend I even found a curious buyer who wanted the dairy allergy I developed in my late 20s. Apparently, she felt her gluten allergy didn’t give her enough to talk about at parties anymore. In the same day, I sold traumatic memories from my childhood to a Brooklyn-based film artist who was looking for inspiration. I hear Boy Lost in Mall crushed at Sundance.

Then there was the time I sold a gently-used “yoga vibe” to a guy who didn’t want to keep going to yoga classes to maintain his. Another popular item was “The ability to walk around with permanent, animated dog ears and a floppy tongue.” The woman who bought that from me said it was ‘priceless’ to not have to rely on Snapchat filters anymore. Plus, thanks to her referral, I was able to sell her boyfriend a guarantee that “No matter how many times he brags about being able to fix something, he’ll never actually be put in a situation to prove it.”

Of course, I still remember the day that I sold male privilege to a curious feminist. In fact, that was the same day that I sold, “The chance to launch a self-named athleisure clothing brand.” Hope you’re ready for 48 different “Jaden”-brand joggers, America.

And since you asked, it’s probably a good time to mention that I am currently looking for referrals for a good photographer — I still need pictures to go with an item I’m looking to post: “The power to go forward in time 100 years to see how much people are still raving about your ‘Living with High Anxiety’ lifestyle blog.” If your work is good, I’m also looking to improve a post nobody seems to want: “Indefinite glory for Puritanical work ethic and delayed gratification.”

DM me if you know anyone!