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Abstract

never have anything good to give in return. It’s about what’s in it for them.So, how do you shut down an Alice? How do you put a foot down on a silver platter self-serving snob? Well, it’s not glamorous, or groundbreaking. You just need to cut them off, cold turkey — stone wall. Ghost mode. A-wol. MIA. Whatever you like to call it. It’s about taking the fuel away from the fire. And for Alices, anything you do or say is fuel. It sounds kind of harsh, but let me explain.<h2 id="8c51">They don’t hear everything you say</h2>Self-serving people like Alice have a bias ear. It doesn’t really matter what you say or how you say it. The just need the slightest engagement from you to find something to work with.You mention how you consider starting to go to the gym. Maybe you tell them how you’re nervous about not knowing how to use any of the equipment.Any normal person would try to assuage your fears. They’d tell you that no one really pays attention. Even if they did, most people aren’t judging the way you imagine it. Even if they are, most of them will forget before they even get home.But not a self-serving person. They don’t hear your problems. Your fears are not their concern. All they hear is the word “gym”. And that reminds them that they’re a star athlete. They live a fitness-guru-influencer lifestyle.It’s like you were the MC of a talk. You introduced the topic. The overly enthused performer cuts you off and ushers you off stage. You’re cutting into their stage time.Now it’s their show. They start telling you about their workout routines and fitness goals. They even get down to the nitty gritty. They detail their sets and reps. They never stop to see if you’re following. If this were a phone call, you’d put the receiver down and come back an hour later. Maybe then, their show would be over.The worse part is, they aren’t a star athlete or a fitness-guru-influencer. Neither of those things are true. But the self-serving snob thinks they are. They’ve conjured up an image of themselves that lives on a pedestal. And they believe.The rest of us consider that lying. But eh. We don’t operate in the same ecosphere.<h2 id="ef06">There’s no point in trying to talk sense into them</h2>You can’t try to reason with self-serving person. They don’t understand logic the way you and I do. Their universe only has one person and that’s them.Remember Alice? I tried to gently explain that her sister was struggling. I even said she hadn’t meant to hurt her. As if a person in distress has that kind of real estate. But yikes. That didn’t go we

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ll.Most of us make decisions and choices with the big picture in mind. Someone is bound to get the short end of the stick. Sometimes that’s us. If it’s for greater good, we understand that. Sometimes, we even prefer it.But Alice doesn’t understand that. She thinks we need to consider her in all our actions. How will this affect Alice? How will Alice feeling about this? What will Alice think? Will Alice be okay with this?They don’t understand that not everything is about them. Trying to convince them otherwise is a waste of time. You end up digging yourself into a hole. Every valid point you make takes the conversation on a tangent that makes you want to rip you hair about because they just miss the point. The bottom line is, they just simply don’t understand how something can’t be about them.<h2 id="9fc4">Their problems can’t be solved</h2>Most of the time, self-serving people have more fundamentally rooted problems. Their show is a cry for help. A deeper, more internal need.They talk too much about their latest hobby, or recent promotion not because they actually think highly of those achievements. Maybe they do, but not as much as they let off.They are trying to give you an example of how they want you to react. This is what you should think. They are looking to you for validation.Susan’s breakup is all about them because they feel insecure about their looks or personality. They want us to assure them that they’re a catch. Taylor’s acceptance to grad school turns into a conversation about their future because they don’t feel smart enough. It’s our job to convince them they’re a genius.They don’t realize that it’s a poor strategy. It turns people off. We can only hear self-praise for so long before it makes you want to vomit.Self serving people are usually insecure. Their problems are much deeper than they seem. They try to compensate by eating up everyone’s spotlight because they think that if we just paid more attention to them, we would see their talent and point it out.Talking to them can just perpetuate their tendencies even more. And trying to convince them otherwise doesn’t work.Sometimes, nothing and silence works wonder. When people left to their own devices, they sift through their internal monologue and sort out many of their own problems.Silence doesn’t mean you have to be unavailable. A self-serving person could still need a friend while they’re working things out. It just means that you refrain from interacting with them in a way that perpetuates their habits.</article></body>

Self-Serving People Have a Hard Shell to Crack

And what you can do about that

Some people just need to be centre stage for everything in life. They weasel their way into everyone’s business and manage to make it about them. The focus always has to be on their needs.

I was talking to my friend Alice the other day. Her sister just lost her job. The company she worked at for the past two decades decided they didn’t have the budget to keep her anymore.

That hit her hard. Money was a problem. But there was also the psychological aspect. The whole thing seemed to have happen overnight. A sudden change like that can make you feel like your years of hard work were for nothing. Hell, it can make you feel like you’re worth nothing.

We place too much of our self worth into our jobs. And nothing robs us of our identities like being fired.

Alice said she’d never seen her sister in so much distress. She felt really bad and didn’t know what to do…

And that took a toll her on her too. If she was being honest, it made her down right stressed. It even gave her anxiety and that sometimes led to panic attacks. Okay, maybe not full blown ones. But definitely little ones — like, mini panic attacks.

Actually, the whole thing just kind of reminded her about how she really needed to sort out her summer plans. She still hadn’t found a good internship. And good internships led to good full time jobs. Her plans were a disheveled messed, which was basically was the same thing as being laid off.

Except, not really. That hadn’t happened yet. But Alice had funny way of reasoning. She didn’t have a good internship for the summer, which meant she obviously had nothing to turn into a full-time job. Which was like, the same thing as getting fire. Right?

Yeah… Anyways. We’ve all met someone like Alice before. People who have a way of turning the world’s greatest tragedies into their personal sob story. And trying to have a productive conversation with them (that isn’t about them) just doesn’t work. You’d be better off smashing your head against a brick wall.

Alices are like parasites. If you get too close, they’ll suck everything good out of you until you’ve got nothing left. And they never have anything good to give in return. It’s about what’s in it for them.

So, how do you shut down an Alice? How do you put a foot down on a silver platter self-serving snob? Well, it’s not glamorous, or groundbreaking. You just need to cut them off, cold turkey — stone wall. Ghost mode. A-wol. MIA. Whatever you like to call it. It’s about taking the fuel away from the fire. And for Alices, anything you do or say is fuel. It sounds kind of harsh, but let me explain.

They don’t hear everything you say

Self-serving people like Alice have a bias ear. It doesn’t really matter what you say or how you say it. The just need the slightest engagement from you to find something to work with.

You mention how you consider starting to go to the gym. Maybe you tell them how you’re nervous about not knowing how to use any of the equipment.

Any normal person would try to assuage your fears. They’d tell you that no one really pays attention. Even if they did, most people aren’t judging the way you imagine it. Even if they are, most of them will forget before they even get home.

But not a self-serving person. They don’t hear your problems. Your fears are not their concern. All they hear is the word “gym”. And that reminds them that they’re a star athlete. They live a fitness-guru-influencer lifestyle.

It’s like you were the MC of a talk. You introduced the topic. The overly enthused performer cuts you off and ushers you off stage. You’re cutting into their stage time.

Now it’s their show. They start telling you about their workout routines and fitness goals. They even get down to the nitty gritty. They detail their sets and reps. They never stop to see if you’re following. If this were a phone call, you’d put the receiver down and come back an hour later. Maybe then, their show would be over.

The worse part is, they aren’t a star athlete or a fitness-guru-influencer. Neither of those things are true. But the self-serving snob thinks they are. They’ve conjured up an image of themselves that lives on a pedestal. And they believe.

The rest of us consider that lying. But eh. We don’t operate in the same ecosphere.

There’s no point in trying to talk sense into them

You can’t try to reason with self-serving person. They don’t understand logic the way you and I do. Their universe only has one person and that’s them.

Remember Alice? I tried to gently explain that her sister was struggling. I even said she hadn’t meant to hurt her. As if a person in distress has that kind of real estate. But yikes. That didn’t go well.

Most of us make decisions and choices with the big picture in mind. Someone is bound to get the short end of the stick. Sometimes that’s us. If it’s for greater good, we understand that. Sometimes, we even prefer it.

But Alice doesn’t understand that. She thinks we need to consider her in all our actions. How will this affect Alice? How will Alice feeling about this? What will Alice think? Will Alice be okay with this?

They don’t understand that not everything is about them. Trying to convince them otherwise is a waste of time. You end up digging yourself into a hole. Every valid point you make takes the conversation on a tangent that makes you want to rip you hair about because they just miss the point. The bottom line is, they just simply don’t understand how something can’t be about them.

Their problems can’t be solved

Most of the time, self-serving people have more fundamentally rooted problems. Their show is a cry for help. A deeper, more internal need.

They talk too much about their latest hobby, or recent promotion not because they actually think highly of those achievements. Maybe they do, but not as much as they let off.

They are trying to give you an example of how they want you to react. This is what you should think. They are looking to you for validation.

Susan’s breakup is all about them because they feel insecure about their looks or personality. They want us to assure them that they’re a catch. Taylor’s acceptance to grad school turns into a conversation about their future because they don’t feel smart enough. It’s our job to convince them they’re a genius.

They don’t realize that it’s a poor strategy. It turns people off. We can only hear self-praise for so long before it makes you want to vomit.

Self serving people are usually insecure. Their problems are much deeper than they seem. They try to compensate by eating up everyone’s spotlight because they think that if we just paid more attention to them, we would see their talent and point it out.

Talking to them can just perpetuate their tendencies even more. And trying to convince them otherwise doesn’t work.

Sometimes, nothing and silence works wonder. When people left to their own devices, they sift through their internal monologue and sort out many of their own problems.

Silence doesn’t mean you have to be unavailable. A self-serving person could still need a friend while they’re working things out. It just means that you refrain from interacting with them in a way that perpetuates their habits.