Self-pity and I have broken up. We realized we just weren’t right for each other.

But the kids will be fine.

Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right. — Henry Ford

We all have bad days, when nothing seems to be going right and the world feels like it’s resting at the base of your neck, while still spinning. When feeling like crap, would actually be an improvement, and the life you were living, seems to have moved away during the night, and left nothing behind both old photographs and empty boxes.

We think too much about our jobs, our homes, our children, our trajectory through a world that is changing so often, that knowing where we are heading, is probably not possible any longer. Because by the time we get there, we’ll be someone different and it won’t fit who we have become.

I first moved in with self-pity some years ago. We were attracted to one another by our past. I had problems, she had problems, and we thought, at least we have something in common. At least we had something to talk about. Not a great idea. I got on her nerves, and she got on mine, but being young, we thought this is what couples do. They fight and then they make up. At least this is what we saw others doing.

The first thing you should know about me is that I am not you. A lot more will make sense after that. — Unknown

I thought I knew who I was. After all, it was on my birth certificate and my social security card, and every birthday I got reminded of it, by those people around me.

But sometimes we determine who we are by deciding who we are not. We look around at the world and the people within it and see something about them that we like and would like to copy. That there’s something about another person that seems special or important or simply strikes our fancy in a way, we really can’t explain.

We compare us to them, not as a competition but as a means of understanding who we are. In the same way that we compare one toaster to another, or one dream against another. Seeing both side by side together helps us to see if what we have is working or not.

But life is equal parts art and science. There are no perfect matches or perfect ways for us to be. Who we are changes, incrementally every single day. We can be different at 5:00 pm, then we were at 7:00 am when we woke up. Confusing, you bet.

But because we are different, because we are not the same as who we were yesterday or who we are comparing ourselves to today, does not mean there is anything we need to fix.

Endlessly comparing ourselves to someone or something else, is a surefire way to end up with self-doubt and eventually self-pity. Neither of who make for a very good partner.

“Whatever it is, pitying yourself won’t solve it.” Unknown

People do things. We engage. We work along side others, eat along side others and generally spend most of our lives in the company of other people. Thus, it is inevitable that our lives and their lives begin to overlap. We start looking at what they are doing, or having, or achieving and this makes us feel good or bad in comparison. We are human. We are flawed. We try hard to stay upbeat, but often get beat up in life and this makes it harder the next morning. But we are not quitters. We keep waking up, we keep getting up and interacting with everyone all over again.

But sometimes, sometimes when the clouds are grey overhead and the wind is still and our hearts are not into whatever it is we are doing, we begin to turn inward. We think of what could have been or might have been if this or that hadn’t happened. We feel a little sorry. Thus, we let self-pity in and inevitably she takes up residence in your living room and gets really comfy on that new sofa. It happens.

People are not watches. Replace the wheel, tighten the screw and it ticks like it always did. We are layered with complexity. Think a foot-high Napoleon pastry and you’ll understand part of the problem and attraction with man. We are fun, because we are constantly different. We sing, dance, tell jokes. We talk and listen and solve problems almost as fast as we make them, and there’s always something exciting going on around us. We love being who we are — we just don’t always understand us. We’re working on it. It takes time. But when we spend some much of it building the next iPhone or the self-learning vacuum cleaner, this takes away from time perhaps better spent knowing who we are.

So, back to me. Yes, I am announcing that self-pity and me are breaking up. We had a good time together. Had some good laughs and some equally good cries, but in the end, we both realized, we were simply not meant for one another.

We fought too much. Didn’t see things eye to eye. I thought I was right, she thought she was and, in the end, the constant struggle to be ourselves was just a little too difficult and time consuming. So, we decided to move out. Share the furniture and our collection of Pet Rocks and Beanie Babies. We also decided to not live too close to one another — old habits and all. But we’re exchanging phone numbers in case, well, in case we need a friendly shoulder to cry on.

In all honesty, I can’t say I didn’t find my time with self-pity to be somewhat rewarding. It’s always good to have someone who will agree with everything you have to say. But in hindsight, perhaps this wasn’t the best partnership after all.

I hope we’ll never get together again, and that I’ll met other more engaging people to hook-up with. I heard self-confidence and self-esteem were single again. Who knows, they are both kind of cute and well, it’s been a while since I had some fun with someone who wasn’t always a little needy.

“If you don’t want anyone to find out, don’t do it.” Chinese proverb

Writing is a tough gig. You sit down, you stare at a screen that’s saying nothing at all; no clues, no hints about what is coming. It waits. And waits. While you sweat and ache and bring ideas up from within, and like passing a kidney stone, the most unbelievable things spring forth and shock you, amaze you, make you laugh and cry and reveal to the entire world who you are and what you are thinking at any moment in time.

It’s full frontal exposure on a city street, at noon, while a marching band strides by playing Stars and Stripes.

And yet we love it. Need it. Revel in its simplicity and reveal to our grandchildren that we were writers. And while all this creation is sparking all around us, sometimes, just sometimes, a spark hits the waste basket filled with crumbled pieces of paper and a fire starts. It’s sometimes known as self-pity and it stays a while. Usually just a few days. Sometimes renting a room and returning when you least expect it. But in the end, like any good guest, it knows when to leave and does so without further comment.

Joe Luca is writer and editor for ILLUMINATION and a published author and writer of children’s stories, short fiction, non-fiction articles, screenplays and poetry. Publications include Child’s Life, Children’s Playmate and others. There are some other articles below — have a read. And thank you for stopping by.