Self-Love Is the Opposite of Narcissism
This realisation may be the key to truly practising self-love
After coming out of my relationship with a narcissist, I had a lot of inner work to do. I went through different therapy sessions and support groups and read a lot of books. Anyone who has ever read a self-help book or seen a talk on self-development will agree that self-love is right up there at the top of the list of “practices that will transform your life.”
But the ‘how exactly,’ and ‘how to make it stick’ have always been somewhat elusive to me. Quite often, self-love gets mashed together with self-care and practical tips may not turn out all too practical if you cannot afford to “treat yourself” consistently. But even if the exercises and actions are free, it can feel like a lot of effort to practice with the rigour and consistency that the self-development industry tells us we have to put into it.
It’s me, just me, me, me, me.
When I was doing regular therapy sessions my therapist gave me “homework.” Letters I should write to my inner child, journaling, or even drawing. Maybe the fact that he called it ‘homework’ was what triggered my super-power in procrastination, but maybe it was the same mental block that kept me from truly and fully embracing self-love.
I did my ‘homework’ half-heartedly in-between chores, just before the sessions. Then I cancelled sessions, and then I stopped therapy altogether. The truth was that self-love exercises felt icky. A ‘chore’ I had to do to bounce back, an activity to kill boredom. At best it was ill-tasting medicine that I had to swallow to cure my mind. But I never really enjoyed it.
I understood the idea, of course, and how the effects wouldn’t kick in immediately but slowly, unnoticeable. I knew that I had to put the effort in and I did eventually see and enjoy the results. But, I also knew it had to be measured carefully. The last thing I wanted was to overdose and turn into a narcissist.
I had to love myself unconditionally, but remain realistic about my strength and weaknesses. Love my appearance, but not become vain. Spend more time with me, on me, without neglecting others. Make myself a priority, while constantly reminding myself that everybody else was just as important as me. I had to set ambitious goals for myself, as long as it didn’t come across as if I cared more about myself than others. I had to accept that I am “perfect just the way I am,” while constantly trying to better and improve myself.
It was exhausting.
It was exhausting because I didn’t see how difficult I was making this for myself. Exhausting because the one thing that was really blocking me wasn’t time or money, it was getting over that one simple, yet utterly false belief that self-love borderlines on narcissism.
“If you accept a limiting belief, then it will become a truth for you.” — Louise Hay
Self-love is the opposite of narcissism
God knows why it took me so long to realise that there is zero danger of turning into a narcissist from practising too much self-love. If anything, self-love is the best vaccination against narcissism.
All narcissists, whether covert or overt, actually suffer from very low self-esteem. Their constant need to be admired and loved by others stems from the lack of love they can give to themselves. When we see overt narcissists boasting about who they are and what they have done, it is not because they are so in love with themselves. It is because they constantly need to convince themselves and others that they may be worthy of love at all.
But that is not love. Admiration isn’t love, self-admiration isn’t love. Self-love isn’t about having a mad crush on yourself as you do in the early stages of relationships. It isn’t about worshipping yourself like a god(dess). It isn’t about putting yourself on a pedestal and ignoring any weaknesses or flaws.
It is really a lot simpler.
Self-love is more like unconditional love you feel for a friend or relative. It is simply: Loving yourself, every part of yourself.
Just focus on love
Imagine your own ‘self’ as being a child, a daughter or a son. ‘Self’ has a really large and crooked nose, so what? Does that change how much love you can give? ‘Self’ made a silly mistake at work. Fine. You can acknowledge the mistake and work to improve, but why would that change how much you love yourself?
You can tell yourself off for something you have done, but just like speaking to a child, be clear that this has nothing to do with the love you feel for yourself. Or, on the other side of the coin, go get healthy, lose weight or get Botox and lip filler if you like, but that shouldn’t affect how much love you can give yourself.
Any relationship where love is based — or changes — when appearances change or someone made a mistake would be considered toxic. So why would you be in such a relationship with yourself? Give yourself all your love. You deserve it.
Self-love exercise tip: Every day choose something about you and write a sentence or two. I love you. You have always been there for me. You help me…