Self-Love Can’t Exist Without This

Why “I love myself” Doesn’t Work

Love Drunk

Self-love has become the mainstream media’s tequila shot. Three shots of “I love myself” will only leave you feeling temporarily happy like Patron.

I’m tired of seeing people say they love themselves yet act otherwise.

The same person who says they love themselves one minute is arguing, fighting, judging themselves, and self-sabotaging sixty seconds later.

I have empathy for them and want them to do well. But at the same time, I’m thinking, “shut up. You’re full of sh**.”

Love is a skill. It takes time and practice to become proficient.

Put in the work and reap the benefits.

The Importance of Self-Love

There are many benefits of self-love, but here are 4 major ones:

1.Healthy relationships

Who doesn’t want a fun, sexy, intimate relationship?

It’s impossible to find “the one” because humans attract who they are. If you’re deficient in love, you’ll attract an energetic match.

People lacking love will become codependent on another to get approval. Approval seeking leaves you vulnerable to mental, emotional, and physical abuse.

2.Self-esteem and confidence

Love is an emotion that tramples fear and doubt.

When you think highly of yourself, you feel more capable of achieving a desired outcome.

Money, health, and relationships are easier to obtain we you believe you’re self-efficient enough to acquire them.

3.Rebound from failure

Mistakes and mishaps are inevitable.

Self-love requires that you accept yourself regardless of your faults.

When you unconditionally accept yourself, you blunt the shame that tells you to quit, or you can’t do it.

4.Assert your needs

When you know how and what makes you internally and externally feel pleasant, you’ll continue to do those behaviors or activities.

Connection and assertion of self allow you to find your purpose, set boundaries, and make decisions despite peer pressure or others’ opinions.

Why Affirmations Don’t Work

When I first got involved in self-help, affirmations were in almost every book I read.

These books were great, but they left out an essential piece of information:

Shame will crumble your little affirmations and throw them in your face like a snowball.

Throwing words at shame is like putting donuts in front of me; they’ll disappear without trace evidence of their existence.

You’re punching and hitting yourself when you use affirmations to fight internal shame. Until you heal shame, your words will remain rejected and unheard.

Love Is An Action

You prove you love something or someone through your actions.

My friends and family know I love basketball because it’s all I talk about if we’re on the subject.

I watch Youtube videos until 5 am.

My favorite video game is a basketball one.

I scroll my Instagram primarily looking for facts, updates, and clips.

I played basketball every day in high school and continue to play regardless of the time of day or energy levels.

Kobe Bryant is my idol. I rarely missed his games. I cried the day he died. Before his death, the last time I cried was at my grandma’s funeral thirteen years ago.

It’s obvious I love basketball. But The most apparent sign you love yourself is how self-compassionate you are towards yourself.

The Power of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the act of being kind to yourself.

Love can’t exist without kindness. It’s a structural behavior of self-love.

If you’re continually degrading the people closest to you, would an outsider believe you loved them?

If you yelled at your dog for no apparent reason, would an onlooker believe you loved them?

If the words you used to describe yourself were mean and harsh, would people believe you loved yourself?

Compassion is relational. It means to suffer with.

The human experience is imperfect. The degree and extent to which you can comfort and uplift yourself through difficult moments and emotions determine the amount of love you possess.

How To Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion, as with self-love, is an action. The words you use and their tone demonstrate your level of kindness.

I’m currently recovering from a binge eating disorder. Part of the process is allowing yourself to eat without restrictions.

Yes. That means if I want donuts for dinner, I’m eating donuts for dinner.

While your body is recovering mentally and physically, you gain weight.

Weight gain is never easy. My face looks fluffier, my clothes don’t fit anymore, and I feel uncomfortable and unattractive.

These moments of despair require that I show up for myself and give myself the comfort I need to move forward.

“It’s OK. Everything’s going to be OK. The weight will go away. It’s all part of the process. You still have a great smile, and you’re funny. You also look more muscular. Calm down. Relax. Everything’s going to be OK.”

I want to become a full-time writer. To accomplish my goal, I’ve proclaimed I need to write every day.

One day last week, after coming home from work, I was tired and decided not to write.

Fear, doubt, and self-judgment kept me tossing and turning until sunrise.

It wasn’t until I gave myself unconditional self-acceptance and reassurance that I was able to fall asleep.

I woke feeling more motivated and confident than ever because I dealt with the one emotion that destroys hearts and dreams — shame.

Organic Affirmations

As mentioned earlier, shame prevents the effectiveness of affirmations. But as you may have realized, the very nature of self-compassion uses natural positive assertions.

The difference is in their intent. Affirmations by themselves are supposed to fight or combat shame, whereas self-compassion is designed to heal and release it directly.

When you treat yourself with kindness, positive affirmations will occur organically and unintentionally relieve shame from your mind and body.

Life Is Short

Love is an action. Saying “I love myself” is not enough.

When you actually love yourself, you don’t have to declare it or remind yourself. The proof is in the pudding.

You prove it by showing up for you when you need it most — in moments of distress, doubt, and failure.

I suppose you can have relationships and accomplish your goals without self-love, but the journey will take longer, be treacherous and unenjoyable.

Life is too short not to bask in its glory. Make the journey simpler and more satisfying by learning the skill of self-love.

The Inside & Out email list will help you achieve your internal and external goals.