Self-Harm is Like an Addiction — It Can Take Over Your Life
Understanding the cycle of self-harm helped me seek treatment
Trigger Warning: self-harm
I was six years self-harm-free — six whole freaking years!
Now I’m not.
The day I fell back into the self-harm cycle was devastating. I harmed myself during a family dinner because of a panic attack. Many times before that moment, I wanted to self-harm but always managed to talk myself out of it.
I was too tired of fighting the urge anymore, so I gave in, and I swore I would never do it again. But I was too far gone. I continued to do it for nearly a year after.
Falling into the same pattern of self-harm I had experienced in my teenage years just amplified the pain I was already feeling. I wanted to be free of this mental torture, but I couldn’t keep doing this to myself.
I chalked this up to be an issue of self-control. I lacked my willpower and self-control and needed to figure out how to get myself back to normal.
And while self-control is a part of it, I was missing the steps that lead me to each moment that brings up thoughts of self-harm.
Understanding the main event that caused your feelings of self-harm is the best place to start. Knowing what triggers you into the self-harm cycle can help you prevent falling into that pattern each time.
I now understand that I didn’t need to go back to normal because there was no normal. I decided to build off of where I was instead of starting over to go back to what is normal.
I can recall numerous times where I was upset but didn’t want to hurt myself. I realized that I had specific triggers that I was unaware of that caused me to turn towards self-harm. I realized one of my triggers was family. Any family conflict resulted in thoughts of self-harm.
For as long as I could remember, I felt I didn’t quite fit in with my family. I was a timid and anxious child. I didn’t want to upset anybody or anger the people around me.
Much of my fear stemmed from the abuse I endured at the hands of a narcissist, along with a few other adverse childhood events. I wanted to make sure I was never in the way. I preferred to be out of sight — seen but not heard.
Growing up, I kept this same mentality. I believed that my purpose in this life was to be out of the way. I needed to be silent to be appreciated by those around me.
I stayed hidden away from my friends and family to contain this mess that I had swirling in my head. And this extended to all facets of my life. From dating to friendships to academic connections — I tried to stay in line. I needed always to control myself and stay focused on what I was doing.
I learned early on that being safe meant staying unnoticed. If I went unnoticed, then no one could hurt me.
I would go days and even weeks without talking to anybody. I was afraid if I reached out, I would be faced with backlash. I always felt like I was too much, so I never shared what I felt on the inside.
When we bottle up our emotions, there is going to be an explosion at some point. If I got upset or angry about something, anything at all, I hated myself for it. Being a good person meant that I never got angry, and I always had a look perfect. As you can guess, I fell short of that each time.
I learned that being a good person is not something that you can meet with specific criteria. Instead, being a good person is achieved through true intentions and an honest heart.
I am a good person even if I self-harm — I just need some help.
When self-harm became a daily thought
As a teenager, I went through traumatic events that caused me to head on a downward slope. I felt extremely ashamed of myself and wanted to get out of myself.
The one thing I swore I would never do was hurt myself, but I did. I wasn’t going to be a needy little teenager who has nothing better to do than hurt myself for attention. But I kept getting thoughts of wanting to hurt myself every single day. If family conflict happened, which happened frequently, the urge became stronger.
Slowly over time, the thoughts became more powerful and uncontrollable.
While in a fit of rage, I self-harmed.
Self-harm is like an addiction.
Go for a walk. Read a book. Don’t worry about it.
These are all the solutions people told me to try, but I had no idea what I was going through. I believed that I needed to stop being anxious and avoid thinking like that.
Mind over matter, right?
Yeah, that didn’t work.
What most don’t understand is that self-harm is an outlet that gave me great relief.
Much like someone who has an alcohol addiction needs liquor to feel okay, I needed physical pain to phase out the emotional turmoil I was experiencing.
Ever since that day, I always thought about hurting myself while simultaneously pretending that it never happened.
But the same thing would happen each time I self-harmed. Something happened with my family; I minimized my feelings, criticized myself, and then would explode.
When I started going to therapy, I began to get a better insight into my own mind and behaviors. My therapist described self-harm as a wide array of different ways to cause pain to our bodies, and from this pain, the brain stimulates dopamine, essentially satisfying that urge.
Much in the way that addiction works, there is a dependency pattern at work.
For me, I self-harmed out of anxiety, anger, and fear. I needed a way to get relief — and fast. Some research has suggested that there is an addictive model behind self-harm.
Although my experience is anecdotal, it does not reflect most self-harm cases; I know others out there are fighting a similar battle. From my own experience, I can say that there is some level of addiction to self-harm. I constantly craved self-harm when I displayed any negative emotions. The more upset I was, the more I began to lose control.
Self-harm was like the little devil sitting on my shoulder, wanting to come out to play.
I wanted freedom and relief, and self-harm was the easiest way.
When I realized it was time for help
With my inability to stop self-harming, numerous failed attempts, my 6-year relapse into self-harm, and my increasing thoughts to hurt myself — I felt out of control.
I didn’t feel I had any power over my mental health, which would surely end in the worst way possible.
I wanted to be here to have babies with my husband and see my sister grow up. How could I do that if I wasn’t alive?
So I decided to ask my husband his thoughts, and he was highly supportive in whatever decision I made. I love him so much. He is one of my biggest supporters and will always be.
Although I truly did appreciate his support, I needed the advice of someone who had been through this before: my best friend.
One day she and I were hanging out when I randomly blurted out:
“I think I need to see a psychiatrist.”
She was quiet for a moment and replied, “Yeah, me too.”
We talked and talked about our inner worlds, sharing how we felt daily. I didn’t realize just how similar my best friend and I were.
And here we are, almost a year into effective mental health treatment, and we are working on our path. We still have our bad days and sometimes feel overcome by our minds that we need to chill.
Having someone go through this with me has been a Godsend. I love my best friend so much; to have her go through the most challenging time of my life with me is enormous.
You can explain what you are going through to other people, but she has always been there for me.
As of right now, I am 3 months self-harm-free, and I intend to keep it that way.
Author’s Note: I have chosen to leave out how I specifically self-harmed. I do not want to encourage any young readers to try self-harm to relieve their pain. There are many other options. If you are in a crisis or feeling like self-harming, please use The National Suicide Hotline or Crisis Text Line. Both are great resources that can help you when you need them the most.
