Self Esteem and Expectations

Balancing on your pedestal

Growing one’s self-esteem is like sorting the wheat from the chaff. A sieving system where beliefs and actions and habits are brought to light to be examined and queried. Does this empower me or disempower me?

Do I want this or not?

Perhaps it is maturity but lately, I’ve been more discerning. I’ve been questioning the very atmosphere of expectations — social and personal — and whether I need to obey or not.

I’m cherry-picking.

When I look at the expectations in my hands I realise they don’t belong to me — they disintegrate in my calloused palms as if nothing more than powdery ash. Like little delusions. Some of them mass delusions.

Even traditions are not making much sense.

All those expectations are like nails snagging my lace dress.

I have a long friendship with a man who is so audacious it's impressive. He does not bend to anyone. He stands on a lot of toes and puts many a nose out of joint. Other men object to his Alpha maleness but my friend doesn’t care for those definitions. He genuinely doesn’t care what people think of him. Impervious. He defines himself. He’s not anchored by social mores. He’s authentic and game. He does whatever he wants as if his life depends on it. Ten years ago it made my jaw drop. I had the epiphany — If he can do whatever he wants and get away with it. I can do whatever I want!

But knowledge and implementation are two different things. Repetition helps it integrate. It’s been a decade of chipping away, practicing using my voice, saying no, putting my well-being first, recognising the power-point where I drop the ball and rollover.

I jot notes in the margins of my experience like an actor learning a new script. How interesting I think; next time I’ll do it like this. I scribble — poise.

As your sense of loyalty to self increases you kind of stand up inside yourself. Less tempted to spend energy being sparkly at a party preferring instead to observe. Not interested in proving anything to anyone anymore but in self-improvement to see what more you can learn, experience, attempt and master. Noticing the point where you’d usually appease and instead - stand your ground.

Many expectations I now dismiss with a flick of the wrist.

I have other things to do.

I have a high price on my head.

To free ourselves of the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves there lies the great, singular power of self-respect. - Joan Didion

Yesterday a man barrelled towards me on a city street and instead of making way for him I continued cutting my own line — at the last moment he had to move his body so as not to bump me. Someone did an experiment about that once. How women move aside for men.

I’ve been limiting the number of times I say sorry. Reserving the word for when I mean it, instead of saying it as a means of deferment.

Self-respect is a discipline, a habit of mind that can never be faked but can be developed, trained, coaxed forth. - Joan Didion

Standing on the pedestal you make for yourself means you can see clearly. You’re braver. The little knocks and nicks and snide remarks don’t penetrate. It means shining your own light and not becoming desolate over failed attempts. It means not getting sucked into snake dens. It means you like yourself a lot; you make no apologies for who you are or how you live or what you choose. It means throwing out the labels and categories. You don’t accept criticisms from people who have no skin in the game. You can divine motives by feel and vibe and don’t sacrifice anything to unworthy causes.

You make your own decisions. You stand on the rock of yourself. You realise and it sinks in: if it's meant to be it's up to me. You care less for the opinions of others. You take yourself in hand. You stop worrying about being told off.

You start eating with your hands.

If you don’t care to be liked, they can’t touch you. - Navel Ravi Kant

He that respects himself is safe from others. He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce. - Henry W. Longfellow

Don’t throw your power away like a slut. - Anon

Thanks for reading, Louise