Self-Doubt and I Sat Down to Talk

It turns out she’s not a bully.

I will never fully understand the ebbs and flows of my mood.

On some days, I have my warrior suit on, and I’m ready to charge and conquer all challenges. Those are the days when I craft my plans for the future.

On warrior days, my ambition gets the best of me because I can’t wrap my head around what it’s going to be like when things won’t run as smoothly.

Then come the “low” days. On low days, I scoff at my plans and say something along the lines of “What was I thinking? I dreamt too big. I was being naive.” Those are my self-doubt days, and there are plenty of them.

Ideally, I should accept both sides of myself. Nature is cyclical, and so are my feelings. I should work with them instead of against them, but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet.

On days when self-doubt visits me, we quarrel, and she usually wins. I sulk and let myself and my goals go for a little while. I believe her every word. I beat myself up for ever hoping to amount to anything.

But lately, I’ve been paying more attention to see if there was anything hidden behind her message.

Because if we can derive value and learn from our critics, we owe it to our inner nay-sayer to do the same.

Me and my self-doubt having a conversation

S.D.: Hey Adriana, did you take a look at your life lately? I’ve checked, and you’re not exactly on track. You’ve been procrastinating on so many things.

A.: S.D., just let me be. I’ve been having some health issues. The only thing I can do right now is lay in bed.

S.D.: You realize that’s not true. You’ve been using your pain as an excuse to act all broken and feeble.

A.: …

S.D.: What about this writing thing you’ve been trying to do? I took a look at your progress, and it’s unimpressive. I heard you brag about your plans for September, but it looks like you’re failing yet again. No big surprise there.

A: I put my best effort in, I really did. I even envisioned my goals, I tried to do everything right. But some things are just out of my reach.

S.D.: You’ll quit soon enough. You never stick to anything long-term. First, you wanted to be a doctor, then you tried Python for a while — wasn’t that fun and completely unnecessary? And now, you want to go back to your childhood passions? Just grow up already. Settle down, suck it up. Do what’s expected of you.

A.: You know, S.D., you can be a real bitch sometimes. I did become a doctor. I went through nine grueling years of university to get to where I am today. Nine years! Next, I did suck it up. The minute I started working, I realized it wasn’t for me. And even then, I didn’t give up. I kept waiting for things to get better. And you know why I stayed?

S.D.: Why?

A.: Because you and your pal Fear stopped me from trying anything else. For years, you whispered limiting beliefs in my ears.

S.D.: …

A.: Also, all my passion projects have been fun so far. Python brought me closer to understanding what my programmer husband does — day in, day out. Knowing how to set up a blog may prove to be useful someday, who knows. And writing gives me an outlet to get to know myself better. So rest assured, my life isn’t a complete waste.

S.D.: I was just trying to protect you.

A.: Well, it’s hurtful, the way you speak to me. Do you know that there are days when I believe everything you say? Why do you hate me so much?

S.D.: Oh, Adriana, I really don’t hate you. It’s not like I enjoy this. I see how you act sometimes, and all I want to do is grab hold of you and save you. There are so many things I need to teach you: Risk is bad. Fulfillment is a lie. You need to stay in your lane. You’re too old for this. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

A.: So you’re unhappy, too. You’re hurting. I never thought of this before. You know, a lot of those beliefs of yours aren’t exactly legit.

S.D.: Well, I doubt that. I am your Self Doubt, after all. But I’ll try to be more tolerant of your childish little endeavors. Not that I approve of them.

A.: Thanks S.D. Sorry for calling you a bitch. You’re right about me not sticking to anything. I start things, and then I don’t finish. I hope I stay on course this time.

S.D.: Yeah, I might have something to do with that. Whenever I visit you, you quickly give up on things. It’s not on purpose, you know. Sometimes, I just feel like passing by.

A.: I see…well, can you at least give me a heads up next time?

S.D.: I can’t promise you that. But I’ll try to leave sooner. Fear and Rage need some company downstairs, haha.

A.: Right. Okay. Are we good here, then?

S.D.: Yeah, we’re good.

A.: Good night (and good riddance)!

S.D.: Sayonara, loser!

How to stop suppressing self-doubt

What did you just read, you ask?

Well, that was me unintentionally performing some sort of gestalt therapy on myself. It’s funny how the unconscious mind works — I heard a brief mention of this therapy in a podcast the other day and thought it was something I would want to try.

You’re supposed to talk to an empty chair and imagine your inner character, the one that’s troubling you, sitting on that chair. Next, you get up, sit in the other chair, and exchange roles. It works great in writing, too.

You should try it sometimes — talking to your self-doubt. You might find that you’re afraid of the same things, she’s only trying to protect you, even if it’s the wrong thing to do.

That’s how self-doubt works — she’s been hurt and put down so many times that she can’t help but act a little rough around the edges.

How about you simply ask her how she feels? And then reassure her. She won’t believe you, and that’s okay. We all have our place in this world, even self-doubt and her friends.

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