Summary

The article "Self-Control Is an Illusion" argues that self-control is not merely a matter of intellect but is deeply rooted in emotional responses, suggesting that understanding and working with our emotional brain is key to managing addictions and improving self-discipline.

Abstract

The article delves into the complex nature of self-control, challenging the common belief that willpower alone can overcome addictions. It posits that the struggle with self-control is an emotional issue rather than an intellectual one, as evidenced by the prevalence of legal addictions such as alcohol, cigarettes, and prescription painkillers. The author, Tarun, references Mark Manson's "Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope" and Daniel Kahneman's "Thinking, Fast and Slow" to explain the concept of two brains: the thinking brain, which handles intellectual tasks, and the feeling brain, which governs emotions and ultimately dictates behavior. The article suggests that to achieve better self-control, one must empathize with the feeling brain, offer it options, and avoid resistance. It also advises against self-blame for failures and emphasizes the importance of not pushing the feeling brain beyond its limits. The conclusion encourages self-awareness and emotional connection as foundational steps for personal growth.

Opinions

The author believes that self-control is an illusion because it is an emotional problem that cannot be solved by intellect alone.
The article suggests that the feeling brain, which is driven by emotions, overpowers the thinking brain in decision-making, especially concerning addictions.
Tarun criticizes the idea that knowledge about healthy behaviors is sufficient to change habits, as the feeling brain may resist intellectual understanding.
The author advocates for empathizing with the feeling brain and providing it with alternative, healthier options rather than enforcing strict discipline.
The article emphasizes that guilt and self-blame for not meeting expectations can create a negative cycle, further hindering self-control.
Tarun advises against pushing the feeling brain too hard, recommending a gentle approach to behavior change that respects emotional limits.
The conclusion of the article underscores the importance of self-knowledge and emotional connections in developing a healthier relationship with oneself and one's habits.

Self-Control Is an Illusion

It’s an emotional problem. Please don’t try to solve it with intellect.

What are the top three legal addictions in the world? Alcohol, Cigarettes, and prescriptive pain killers top the charts. I am not referring to the addiction to drugs and illegal substances. It’s a problem of a different magnitude.

Will power, discipline, or self-control are the most obvious answers to deal with addictions. Really?

If it was that easy, surgeons, therapists, and psychiatrists would be out of jobs. Soft drinks manufacturers won’t have money to sign million-dollar sponsorship deals with athletes.

Half of the world’s economy is running on addictions, so let’s get something straight. Self-control is an illusion.

What is the problem with Self Control?

Information was never this easily accessible to us. In minutes we can educate ourselves on what should be done over what is done. We know eating healthy is good for our body. We know exercising is essential in living a healthy lifestyle. We know work-life balance is necessary, but our bosses still love workhorses.

The first sign of a chocolate cake will throw all of my knowledge on nutrition in a bin. Instead, I will find every reason why I should swallow it as I am dying of hunger.

My brain will justify this urge with reasons both weird and ridiculous. Some of the famous ones are — I have worked all day; I exercised last week. It’s okay to eat a small piece.

The problem is that we use our knowledge to implement self-control. Knowing something to be right does not mean our body accepts it to be correct.

Why is it a problem?

Self-control or lack of discipline are emotional problems, and trying to solve them with intellect is not helpful. I found the best explanation in the book “Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope” by Mark Manson.

Mark has expanded on Dan Kahneman’s philosophy on two brains to explain this concept. I am not expecting the readers to have read Dan’s work for this article but if you are curious, read his book “Thinking fast and slow.”

According to Mark, there are two brains. A thinking brain and a feeling brain. Their partnership determines how we deal with the problem of addiction and lack of self-control.

Thinking brain

The thinking brain is responsible for the intellectual stuff. It can make calculations and comes up with strategies to resolve a problem. It is responsible for collecting information to perform any task. Be it filing taxes or preparing for a presentation. The thinking brain is supposedly at the helm of decision-making, but it could not be further from reality.

If the thinking brain is at the forefront of all our actions, we all will be Zuckerbergs and Einsteins.

For example, if we are interested in Gardening, it’s the work of the thinking brain to digest the information, tutorials, and DIY courses. I have highlighted the word ‘interested’ because the thinking brain can generate interest, but it does not mean the body will follow the lure.

It brings me down to the other brain, known as ‘The Feeling Brain,’ who is the real protagonist. The feeling brain is like a kid; it understands little and is highly manipulative.

Feeling brain

The feeling brain represents emotions, intuitions, and instincts. The feeling brain is the CEO of the body. If the feeling brain wants a smoke, it will manipulate the thinking brain to find justifications to fulfil its demands. The feeling brain does not care about the knowledge the thinking brain possesses.

The feeling brain does not understand willpower, self-control, or discipline. It understands the emotion of joy, fear, love, hope, happiness and the list goes on. The more the thinking brain tries to educate the feeling brain, the more the feeling brain resists.

Empathize with your feeling brain

Okay, but this understanding does not make our life easier. Is it like we are slaves to our feeling brain?. Yes, it’s true; the feeling brain manipulates the thinking brain into doing things. No wonder I am munching on my latest addiction and a substitute for cigarettes — Cashews while writing this piece. Yeah yeah, cashews are healthy but not a bowl a day.

Hang on, there is hope, after all. Learn to empathize with the feeling brain. Give it options. Don’t give up, but don’t resist as well. Try and understand the working mechanism of the feeling brain.

Let’s say it’s been a struggle to work out. It’s cold, and getting out of the blanket is impossible. You cannot beat this habit unless you are Usain Bolt.

Not all of us are Usain bolts or Roger Federer. But all of us love binging on various video streaming platforms. So why don’t you watch the latest Netflix series while on an indoor cycle?

You don’t have to lift irons or run at a fast speed to be fit. Casual cycling is still better than being in bed. You have replaced your emotion of being lazy with an equally comforting feeling of being entertained. Once your feeling brain is comfortable with the sentiment, try to replace it with another healthier emotion.

Be careful, don’t stretch it beyond the capacities of the feeling brain.

Don’t beat yourself up.

The biggest problem we face in learning a new skill in life is the guilt factor. We beat ourselves up when we are not able to live up to our expectations. It generates a feeling of disappointment in our feeling brain, and it does not like it.

Consider the feeling brain as your abusive, self-centred, and obsessive ex-partner. Every time you go against its wishes, get ready for some punishment.

The feeling brain does what it likes to do. Our thinking brain can learn new skills. It does not guarantee that our feeling brain will approve of it.

The moment we fail, we feel disappointed and weak. Our feeling brain hates the task even more. It creates a never-ending cycle of negativity.

The important thing is not to blame yourself for every failure. Our inability of not being able to do something does not mean we are weak. It just means we need to train our feeling brain to like the activity. Easier said than done but forcing it to do will never work, as we all know.

Don’t stretch the limit

The feeling brain is an interesting beast. Simple because it likes something today does not mean it is going to enjoy the same thing tomorrow. Don’t stretch yourself. You are not in a race. You don’t have to build six-packs in one day. You don’t need to run a marathon. You don’t have to be present for every parent’s teacher meet. Just breathe, relax and take it easy. It’s okay to take a break.

You don’t permanently lose when you snooze.

When we stretch ourselves physically, we get physical injuries. Emotional injuries are not so obvious. When our feeling brain does not like something, respect the feeling. Please work with your feeling brain but don’t break it.

Conclusion

Know thyself — A habit beneficial than any other. Spend more time to know yourself than knowing about the next big habit you want to incorporate. Observe your body. Our body gives us hints for mental fatigue only if we agree to listen to it.

Just take a minute off your smartphone and observe how you feel your partner’s touch, the smile of your kid. Just for a moment, forget all the differences you have with your family, partner, or kids. Tell them you love them. It’s a beautiful feeling, and your feeling brain will love it.

Take small steps from there. Respect yourself and always remember. We are whole and complete and do not want some discipline to define us.

Thanks

Tarun

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