Self-Care: No, It’s Not You Don’t Have Time

You need to fight to prioritise yourself.

If you are a woman — and especially a mom — I bet you’d have come across the topic of self-care, and how important it is for your well-being.

And you’d probably have heard the metaphor of putting on your oxygen mask first before assisting others with theirs. Or, filling your cup first so you are not pouring from an empty cup.

These are great metaphors and I use them myself when I try to explain the importance of self-care to other fellow moms. However, knowing the importance is only part of the equation.

The real question is, are you doing it?

It seems 99% of women know we need to take care of and support ourselves, whether it’s through meditation, journalling, spending time in nature, or something else. Yet, we don’t act on that knowledge.

The real culprit

“And if I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself?” — Dr Libby Weaver

While the lack of time often gets mentioned as the number one obstacle, I believe the real reason stopping women from engaging in self-care on a regular basis is that we don’t prioritise ourselves.

Because we don’t prioritise ourselves, we don’t prioritise taking care of ourselves, and therefore we don’t make the time to do it.

And if we dig a little deeper, we’d discover that at the root of it is a self-worth issue: somehow our needs and ourselves don’t matter as much as other people and their needs.

As a result, self-care is just another task on our to-do list — usually at the bottom (if it makes to the list at all!) — and we are waiting to get to it after we find more time, or we’re done ticking off all the items on our to-do list.

However, we aren’t going to look under a rock and suddenly find an extra hour or two there that we didn’t have before. And, let’s face it, have we ever ticked off all the items on our to-do list? Chances are, our list just keeps growing, and we never actually get around to doing self-care.

Self-care isn’t about pampering ourselves

“Self-care means giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you.” — Katie Reed

Adding to this lack of self-prioritisation are the misconceptions around self-care. Many women think that self-care is just about pampering ourselves. Therefore, it’s self-indulgent or even selfish, and they don’t see the need to prioritise it.

I was one of those women. It took me a long time to learn that self-care isn’t selfish, and that it’s not just an indulgence or a luxury, but a necessity. When we fail to take care of ourselves, we have less of ourselves to give to those we love and things that matter to us. It’s about self-preservation.

And, I would go as far as to say that for those of us who are also mothers, self-care is the best gift we can give to our kids.

I remember in those early days of motherhood, neglecting self-care meant I was constantly on edge that even the smallest mishap would tip me over into being an anxious wreck.

Even now, I still get pretty snarky when I neglect self-care and find myself hungry, tired, or stressed out (sometimes all of the above). But I’m a delight to be around — if I may say so myself — when I’m fed, rested, and relaxed. Just ask my husband and my daughter.

I’ve had to learn some hard lessons about prioritising myself no matter what. The rewards are definitely worth it, though. These days, I’m more a delight than a grouch most of the time for those around me. As a bonus, everything seems easier because I have more energy and my head is in the right “space”, and I have more fun too.

What self-care is really about

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

In particular, I’ve come to see that self-care isn’t just about having a massage or a pedicure, though they are nice things to do. It’s not even about having a healthy diet or working out, though they are crucial for our body and vitality.

Instead, real self-care is about paying attention to yourself and doing something — anything — that makes you feel like yourself.

In other words, self-care allows you to be you, to belong to yourself and to come home to yourself. On a regular basis.

And that’s not easy when we’re always busy, tired or distracted. Or during a global pandemic. That’s why we opt for a quick fix “faux” self-care like Netflix, or we ignore self-care altogether and march on with our endless to-dos.

Bridging the gap between knowing and doing

So, how do we bridge the gap between knowing versus doing self-care?

First, prioritise yourself and your needs. For real this time. It makes everything else fall into place. You’ll do it every day (or as often as you can) and you’ll do it first.

For example, when I decided to prioritise myself, instead of trying to find time for self-care or wait until I had finished everything on my to-do list, I just made time. I put self-care activities in my weekly planner first, then I planned everything else around it.

Secondly, align your self-care activities with what would actually help you feel more like yourself. Ditch the rest, at least for now. Meditation may be great for all your friends, but if it makes you feel antsy rather than at peace with yourself, try something else. My guess is, you probably already have a good idea of what makes you feel like coming home to yourself.

Finally, lower the bar and makes self-care so simple that you cannot not do it. I’d suggest starting with one or two small habits. Nothing complicated. And no, you don’t have to spend hours on them every day. Instead, it’s about making 10 to 20 minutes available in your busy day to pay attention to yourself.

In particular, a simple morning ritual is a great place to start because it helps set you up for the day. You can start with a 2-minute breathing exercise, then another 5 minutes to soak up the sun out in the garden while you do a few stretches to loosen up your body. Or you can simply make yourself a cup of tea and enjoy the peace and stillness of your home before the craziness of the day takes over.

Then, throughout the day, when you are feeling overwhelmed or on the edge of “losing it”, you can give yourself permission to switch off for 5 minutes to reconnect to yourself .

After all, self-care is as much about doing as it’s about undoing.

You’d be surprised at how big a difference a short break can make to your level of sanity!

Alternatively, for those of you who have trouble falling asleep at night because you can’t seem to shut down your brain, having a simple bedtime ritual would be very beneficial.

You can start by turning off your TV or digital devices half an hour before bedtime, and choosing a simple activity to wind down, such as reading your favourite novel for 10 minutes. It’s just a matter of trying different things to see what works for you.

Making yourself the priority

As we all know, knowledge and good intentions aren’t enough. Sometimes we need to fight to prioritise something that’s important to us. And what could be more important than ourselves and our needs?

By prioritising yourself and your needs through self-care, aligning it with what actually makes you feel more at home in the world, and starting with one or two simple habits, you can finally reap the benefits of self-care instead of just waiting for it to happen when you have the time.

My invitation to you is to pick one self-care activity or habit that you’ve been wanting to start and set aside 5 minutes to do it today. You won’t regret it.

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Annie is an ICF-certified life coach and the author of Brave Again.