Self-Care is Hard Work

We all know something is wrong.

Burnout. Stress. Hustles and side-hustles. Comparison spirals. Not to mention the endless stream of bad news coming at us from all corners of the world. Our mental health has taken hit after hit these last years.

The silver lining is that we’ve become more open about our struggles. We’re having conversations about the mental toll of merely existing in modern society. We’re encouraging others to not suffer in silence. We’re emphasizing the importance of self-care.

Despite its inherently personal nature, self-care has become something of a phenomenon. The term “self-care” comes up whenever we need to justify taking a day off, prioritizing ourselves. It’s a way for us to safely admit when we’re not okay and tells us when those around us need support.

We’re among a brave generation. A generation of people who are strong enough to admit to feeling vulnerable and insecure. A generation that is shedding light on, and working to fix, the many factors working against our mental health.

So, naturally, self-care has gone from being a movement to an industry, commercialized and commoditized by those wanting to make a buck off of our insecurities.

The Self-Care Ideal

What do you picture when you hear the term “self-care?” Scented candles, a facial, maybe a bubble bath? It sounds like a pretty relaxing day, to be perfectly honest. And it’s awfully appealing when you’re sitting at work and your back is cramping and the work is piling up and you have that meeting you really don’t want to deal with.

To make matters worse, you can’t go on Instagram or watch more than a few ads before you’re being reminded that you need “me” time (not without whatever product is being hawked, of course).

It seems like you can’t truly care for yourself without making a few purchases first.

After all, how can you believe you deserve to relax without investing in yourself? That’s the implication, that these aren’t simply purchases meant to treat ourselves. They are investments that will improve our lives. What’s a small splurge if it will make our troubles go away?

A Gendered Angle

It’s no secret that most products marketed for self-care are targeted toward a feminine audience. That’s probably because women are surrounded by messages that we’re always lacking in some way.

We’re not good enough partners, mothers, employees, bosses, and maybe we’re not even good enough at taking care of our own needs. By promoting products that will help us take care of others by taking care of ourselves, companies are once again profiting off the insecurities of women. They are exploiting the deeply ingrained belief that we’re never quite good enough. But they have the product that will (finally!) make us feel good enough.

The message, of course, is that if you deny yourself these things then you are setting yourself up to be miserable because you don’t think you deserve to be happy. If you don’t invest in things that will make you feel better, it’s because you’ve bought into the belief that you need to keep your nose to the grindstone and work yourself to death. If you really want to show yourself some love, you’ll buy the $40 gratitude journal, the $60 candle, the $80 face peel.

It’s just another message telling women that we don’t possess the qualities needed to build ourselves up and overcome challenges through our own power. That our needs will only be met through external forces. It’s just another way to profit by holding women back.

True Self-Care

Just like the title of this article says, self-care is hard freaking work. Can a bubble bath help you unwind after a long day? Sure. And there’s absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t indulge if you want to.

But you’re only setting yourself up for frustration if you convince yourself that all you need is a little pampering and the mental strain you’ve been experiencing will disappear.

The truth is, so much of true self-care needs to happen internally.

At its core, self-care is a healing process. Sometimes it will be gentle and sometimes it won’t. Healing forces you to expose the wound, knowing it’s going to hurt before it gets better. You’ll be raw. Mining the depths of your mind, a mind that has been uniquely impacted by your experiences, is going to require vulnerability and a willingness to be uncomfortable in the short-term to live a better life in the long-term.

Self-care is recognizing that our familiar patterns may be harming us, that the things we avoid talking about may be weighing us down, that false beliefs about ourselves may be holding us back.

It all starts with a question: What do I need?

You are a unique person whose specific experiences have molded you into who you are. You can’t care for yourself by relying on a cliché. No one can unpack your past for you.

Ask yourself again, and really think about it: What do I need?

Commercialized self-care doesn’t want us asking that question. It has made it easy to neglect the parts of ourselves most in need of care by distracting us with a spa day. A bubble bath might help you unwind after a stressful week, but the worries that keep you awake at night will still be there as long as you avoid them. The trauma you carry will always weigh you down as long as you’re unwilling to begin the healing process. There aren’t enough bath salts in the world to make it go away.

We need to get back to the root of the self-care movement. We need to have the uncomfortable conversations. We need to be vulnerable. We need to stop avoiding the difficult questions about ourselves.

We need to truly show ourselves care.

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