Selections from The Morganatica — Vol I
In Bunburyland, a hero is burned on his Buns
Being an overview and condensation of the great 18204 page epic wherein a lot of various things happen.
Bunburyland, thouroughly buttered on its innards with heroism, thought it had seen all the seasonings of bravery and strife. Alas, poor Bunburyland was wrong. There were strange and rare condiments in the seed of the Distal clan, a fierce, proud, valiant, hairy people. Condiments that one evening, fraught with the fragrance of spring, would come to fruition!
A son was born. Morganatic Distal! This is his story, and of the people he would meet and touch in his long heroic life. And of the effects he would have on them. Truly amazing effects! Special Effects!
Our story starts one day as most stories do. Morganatic Distal, a young Lollipopistician was swashing through the graham-stoned streets of La Pastria, his hat on his head, his feather in the hat, and sword attached to his sash and the sash buckled on his waist. He fancied himself, and had said to his landlady that morning “Look at me, Mrs. P. I’m a sashbuckler!”
Little did our hero know that.. well, actually little did our hero know. But right at that very same moment, walking with a methodical pace from the opposing side the city, the wealthy side, was coming with his licorice black hair and biting visage, the salty Lord Wobegoncraft.
Lord Wobegonecraft, first name never uttered because it was Seymour, a man of strange skills, with a mind seriously devoted to spiritual decadence and absolute woo-woo.
Arriving at his destination he is about to enter, but fateful hour! He sees Morganatic arriving also and allows him to enter before him, assuming by our hero’s depraved countenance that he must be possessed of some rank.
Lord Wobegoncraft author of “The art and craft of spanking high born ladies” has been hoodwinked into allowing a lower rank to enter in his stead! An awful day for Bunburyland!
After the vengeful Wobegoncraft has Morganatic set up for stealing tarts, which is a bedangling offence in Bunburyland, Megrim Phastling, the last scholar of phantastical engineering in the whole nation, must come to the aid of the young fool.
He does this even though it takes him from his studies for that most inconvenient reason, being that his ward and niece, the lovely Virginia Dentata has fallen in love with Morganatic.
Our young rogue desports himself outside her window late at night or early in the morning, he brings his piano, borne on the back of a dim-witted talking chicken of prodigious size. He sings for her, the cad:
Come out, Virginia, don’t let me wait You toothsome girls start much too late Aw, but sooner or later it comes down to fate I might as well will be the one
But is his love true, truly true she asks wide eyed -pressing him up against a wall with the power of her bosom!
Down in the courtyard urchins play stickball, a pleasant game among the lower classes in Bunburyland where players try to hit each other in the balls with a stick, as above Morganatic makes his move on the lovely Miss Dentata!
OK, here we go, we got a real pressure cooker going here, Two down clutching their groins, Nail Fungusson, stickball champ is knocking them out, There’s the windup, and there it is, a line shot up the middle, Look at him go. This boy can really fly! That’s what happens when you git a big stick on your balls!
Miss Dentata exclaims: !
And then:
Stop right there! I gotta know right now! Before we go any further! Do you love me? Will you love me forever? Do you need me? Will you never leave me? Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life? Will you take me away and will you make me your wife?
Will Morganatic consent to marry someone beneath him on the social scale, the daughter of an Academician?!? Will phantastical engineering regain its lost standing as the crowning intellectual achievement of mankind and dragons? Will Nail Fungusson beat everyone’s balls black and blue and be crowned eternal stickball champion of Bunburyland?
Will Virginia Dentata grow some teeth in her and refuse to put up with Morganatic’s philandering any longer?
But before any of that, gosh darn it, a war intervenes.
Morganatic and Nail Fungusson are drafted together, and drink lots of drafts.
Lord Wobegoncraft wanders his big drafty mansion accompanied only by his assistant Icthor.
Virginia Dentata, receiving a letter from Morganatic, in attempting to let the poor girl down easy, saying that forever was over and he could not love her past that, swoons off a high balcony directly to the streets below which she might have survived, given the graham cobbled streets but is directly thereafter run over by a cart and horse, which were dangerously on the loose from Mush Fungusson, brother to Nial having put the first before the latter on an inclination from which they got away from him. That’s dead then.
Scene shift: The gloomy lab of Wobegoncraftcroft where Lord Wobegoncraft works to right the horrors wrought by his father, the wrathful sire of Wobegoncraft. Icthor, Lord Wobegoncraft’s shifty malformed servant shuffles in.
“Icthor, where hast thou been?” Lord Wobegoncraft always used the non demotic when he had drunk deep of absinthe and was engaged in necrotic experimentation.
“Ringing bells, master, it doth sooth my distempered brow.”
“Never mind that now, it seems success is at hand”
“Shall you finally succeed in reanimating the lovely Miss Dentata, master? With the transplant of a super-sized chicken heart into the body of a human?”
“Well, in sooth was she never that animate to speak of, but, yes, I trust I can warm her.”
Will the heroic Morganatic Distal still love the reanimated Virginia Dentata when he finds out she is now chicken-hearted?
Will Lord Wobegoncraft change the pronounciation of his name at a penultimate moment?
Will Lord Wobegoncraft lose his ghoulish figure now that he is overeating poultry again?
Will Morganatic learn that not only the heart but other vital parts of the young Ms. Dentata have been replaced?
This was written by IG Agents 71 and 77, who should evidently be kept away from the helium from now on.
More information about Bunburyland available here
