Seemingly Harmless Racist Phrases to Avoid Around Your Bipoc Friends

“You are so exotic.”

I am biracial. Wherever I am, the majority perceives me as a foreigner. I am a Caucasian- Asian mix. Not Asian enough in my native Asian country, or anywhere in Asia, and not white enough in Europe or the States.

Racist microaggression and the resulting racial battle fatigue are very real for BIPOC all around the world, regardless of whether they were born where they live or not.

A sense of being mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained from having to defend, validate our existence to racist people. The truth is that we are exhausted from having to navigate racist places and experiences.

We are tired of letting people tell us how we should feel about things; they never had to experience in their bodies.

So instead of trying to explain to every single person why something they’ve said is racist, here are some examples of racist phrases to avoid.

A gentle reminder to those who did not have similar experiences; Learning about racism, instead of experiencing it is a huge privilege.

“It was a joke, calm down”

Usually said after some demeaning racist remark. Like when someone told my Thai friend that he doesn’t have to cook, just because he is Thai. While we had a BBQ at a villa, we rented on a little island.

This kind of attitude reeks of colonialism. You are a guest in a foreign country; the people who live there are not your servants. Please stop acting like you own the place. No, it is not funny.

“________ people are racist too.”

Deflection is a flawed argumentation technique often used in politics. “This and that party did the same as we did.“ Time to stop deflecting blame and attention, and reflect on your shortcomings.

“What I said/did is not racist.”

My experience is my expertise. You do not get to tell me if what you did was racist.

“Are you sure that is how they meant it?” “Are you sure that is what they said?” “Are you sure that is what happened?“

How do I say this? Yes, we are sure. We know full well when something is racist. Stop questioning us and start challenging the status quo.

“Never dated a _____ person., “Our babies would look so cute… ”

Or some variation of the above. Fetishising people is NOT a compliment. Read that again. It is racism wrapped as a compliment. So no cinnamon, chocolate skin compliments, please. BIPOC people are not the spice in your mayonnaise.

“You are so exotic.”

Again, NOT a compliment. Exotic compared to what? You could call an indigenous person “exotic” in a place where you are the coloniser. Or a third-generation Asian descendant in NYC, and then get into the neverending awkward spiral of: “Where are you from? But where are you really from? Okay, but where are your parents from?” Just stop it. Please. It is painful everyone involved.

“Where did your parents meet?”

It’s a common question aimed at mixed-race people. Please do not act surprised if we ask where YOUR parents met. It is an interrogation-like question to ask strangers. Just don’t.

“You are ____ for ______.”

I hardly think we have to get into this. When black people get “complimented” about being “smart” or “articulated” it implies that you believe it to be uncommon. Or when you say someone is “tall for an Asian.” Asians come in all sizes.

“I am not racist; I have a _____ friend. “

Having a token black friend or being married to a brown person does not give you a free pass.

“People say the N-word all the time! They say it in music lyrics, movies!”

Where do I start? Using the n-word is a racist hate crime. The reason why black people began to use it in music was to reclaim the word, to take away its demeaning power. If you are not black, you don’t get to use it.

These are transformative times. We have the opportunity to become the ancestors of a more inclusive society. BIPOC people need to be heard and seen before generations of trauma can be released. Let’s stand up together against systemic injustice, learn from each other, and educate each other!

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