Seeking Fulfillment? Don’t Quit Your Day Job

Quitting your job is not the sole key to happiness. Maybe your 9 to 5 isn’t the real culprit…

My fiancé has been complaining about his job for a while. He doesn’t hate the work, but the constant stress and pressure of being tied to a screen, with weekly deadlines and outsourced teams can be a lot to juggle. And the hours. His 9 to 5 extends a bit beyond 9 to 5…some days, it’s more like 9 to 9, 10, or 11 (at night).

And I can acknowledge the stress involved in working for a boss, with a team, on deadlines, for high-stakes projects. But here’s where I don’t quite agree: I don’t believe that quitting his job will really make him any happier.

In fact, I think quitting his job will only make things worse. I’ll explain why in a bit, but first let me touch on the real culprit here, which isn’t his job at all:

My fiancé has been brainwashed, and he doesn’t even know it. But so have many others. In fact, in today’s world of social media, digital nomads, and rampant self-employed entrepreneurs (myself being one of them, so I’m not ragging on business owners here), it can be easy to buy into the fallacy that a life untethered is a life fulfilled.

He drank the cool-aid that we freelancers, full-time creatives, and entrepreneurs have whipped up through personal business success stories, self-aggrandizing earnings reports, and immaculately curated social media feeds.

So, he believes that for people like him, who have not yet leaped into the world of freedom (quitting a traditional job), therein lies the key to eternal happiness and fulfillment.

True? Maybe…but I’m not sold on that. Not for everyone. Not for those who lack a few core directives that can have a huge impact on fulfillment, happiness, and success (however you’d like to define that).

Am I the Bad Guy? Maybe, But It’s for Your Own Good

So, when my fiancé floated the idea of quitting his job, “No way in you-know-what” couldn’t roll off my tongue fast enough. He pitched a proposed side hustle, accompanied by a quitting timeline (with a day-by-day calendar countdown), and painted a picture of the majestic life we could live, once he becomes a free bird, unemployed and unencumbered.

And don’t get me wrong; it was a very beautiful painting. Kind of like looking at a copy of the Mona Lisa on a postcard.

The photo might be Hi-Res. The paper might be high-quality, durable cardstock with a beautiful glossy shine. But no matter what you do, how long you stare, or how hard you squint, it’s still not going to measure up to the actual Mona Lisa. Sorry, it’s just not.

There’s no texture. The size is off. It probably isn’t true to color, and you’re not looking at it under museum lighting. At best, it’s a crappy little knock-off that might fool an uninformed onlooker for all of five minutes, but one bit of scrutiny from a more invested lingering eye will reveal the truth and the house of cards will fall apart. It’s just a postcard. A flimsy little postcard.

I suspect that’s kind of like the life he’s painting a mental picture of for me. It sounds great, but the reality will pale gravely in comparison.

• He talks of the daily massages he’ll give me to alleviate my stress.
• We’ll spend weekdays at the beach, go on cliff hikes in the mornings, and cap our nights with sunset strolls.
• He’ll teach our dogs tricks; lots of fancy tricks. Like sit, and down, and maybe he’ll even teach the puppy “don’t poop in the bedroom” — I know that one’s a challenge.
• He’ll finally have time to clean! Every day! And do laundry twice a week! And take out the trash before it starts to overflow!

Fabulous, wouldn’t it be?

Fabulous, but untrue…and more importantly, still not the answer he’s looking for. Even if all of the above were to come true (I’m betting my net worth it won’t), I don’t believe this new, relaxed, adventurous life will make him happy and fulfilled. Not for the long-term.

In Fact, I’m Fairly Certain I’m Right. Here’s Why:

He had a week off around Thanksgiving a few years ago and we flew to San Francisco to visit his family. He was surrounded by the cousins, aunts, and uncles he loves. They planned fun outings in the city for us. He got to enjoy the calm, relaxed quietness and peace of having nothing to do and all the time to simply chill and enjoy, with the ones he loves most…

And I distinctly remember a conversation he had with his uncle about two or three days into this mini vacation and total reprieve from work.

His uncle asked how he was enjoying the break, how work was going, and the typical things you ask when catching up on life.

My fiancé — the one who’s asking for my permission to quit his job (if you’re reading this: the answer is still NO) — told his uncle something that surprised all of us. He had just come off a busy week of work, and while he had complained, he also felt an enormous sigh of relief when it was all done. He felt accomplished. He felt fulfilled, as if he had just run a marathon and won.

And he told his uncle that, while he never expected to feel this way, it was just two or three days into his Thanksgiving break and he already felt empty and a little bit depressed.

In the first 24 hours of the vacation (before we arrived in SF), he had played at least 18 hours of a game on his phone I like to refer to as “tree stump” (no clue what the game is, but he always chooses the tree stump character from what I catch at a passing glance). Within 48 hours, he got up-to-date on market news and current events, played around with his stocks, and started into a few books on his kindlenook (I can never remember if his is the Kindle or the Nook, as I have the other one…). Now, somewhere around 72 hours in and he was empty, bored, and depressed already?

And that sounds a little bit like the beginning of the rest of his life if he were to go with his inspired little “quit my job” idea.

Three Core Directives to Maximize the Likelihood of Long-Term Happiness and Fulfillment After Quitting:

Long-term happiness means more than 24, 48, or 72 hours. It means being happy when you’ve gotten to the highest level of “tree stump” on your phone, have read every book on your kindlenook reading list, and have consumed yourself in so much news about markets and current events that one more article or stock ticker is enough to make you vomit.

The type of long-term happiness and fulfillment we’re talking about is not achieved through one game, one book, or one task, one day.

Be happy alone with yourself.

Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, this is something to consider before quitting a job to become a free, untethered spirit. Some people actually derive fulfillment and positive energy from working with other people, even if they occasionally get on your nerves. My fiancé is one of those people. He’s an extrovert and, aside from playing “tree stump” and reading market news, I’m not sure he’s found a way to be happy and fulfilled all on his own. In fact, I’m fairly sure he hasn’t, or he wouldn’t be finding himself bored, empty, and depressed just three days into his vacation.

If you can’t be happy and at peace all on your lonesome, then quitting your job may not increase your happiness at all. That said, if you work in a toxic environment and your coworkers are wreaking havoc on your mental health, then perhaps you would be better served by leaving. But perhaps not leaving the workforce altogether. Perhaps seeking out another job, another company, or an organization outside your job to provide the positive interactions and engagement that bring you fulfillment. I wouldn’t suggest quitting your job until you’ve figured this out.

Develop and focus on a long-term goal (with milestones).

The fact that my fiancé felt accomplished and relieved after completing that pre-Thanksgiving hard week of work is no surprise. Working hard, bringing tasks to completion, receiving positive feedback, and seeing good results make people happy. It’s like a feedback loop of positivity that keeps people enthused and motivated to continue to put their best effort forward. Without that, life can feel a little bit lonely or lacking in meaning.

While he initially turned to “tree stump”, this wasn’t a long-term solution. First of all, I don’t think any of his real friends (or any other human being I’ve ever met…) play tree stump or cheer him on, so his efforts and accomplishments take place in a vacuum, lacking that necessary feedback loop to encourage his continued progress. Also, a game of “tree stump” might last him a few hours, but I don’t think he sees this as a big, impactful, long-term achievement, no matter how many other plants he acquires (I have no clue how this game works, in case that isn’t obvious).

His work, and jobs in general, can give employees purpose by giving them specific, measurable tasks to achieve with clear goals and milestones outlined from the outset. Whether you love your job or not, checking off that to-do list of tasks and knowing you did a great job, got the stamp of approval from your boss, or a pat on the back from a colleague can foster a sense of purpose and fulfillment. You came, you conquered, and you’re getting praised for it.

If you do plan to voluntarily take the plunge into the world of joblessness, I would suggest you start finding or discovering that long-term goal, that hobby, and that motivating factor early. In fact, I think it’s best to develop it while you’re still employed. Sticking to a project you don’t have to do (with no boss, no external quotas, and no consequences besides letting yourself down) is a great test of whether you’re self-disciplined enough to chart your own course, hold yourself accountable, and construct your own long-term fulfillment.

Be honest with yourself about the environment you’re in and the company you keep.

This one might be strange to hear, but it’s actually very important to consider since the moment you quit that job, you may be spending a lot more time alone at home or in the company of the people with whom you cohabitate. Their energy, day-to-day routines, and overall take on life can definitely have an effect on your mental state, potentially impacting your happiness and fulfillment (especially if you let it).

In my case, the sound of cliff hikes and daily massages from my fiance is beyond amazing; massages are my weakness. However, just because he quits his job (he’s not quitting), doesn’t mean I suddenly have a free schedule and the ability to spend my days galavanting around town with him, abandoning my businesses and responsibilities.

While I do work for myself, I also have both short-term and long-term responsibilities, to-do lists, and goals to which I’m committed. And I like it that way. I’ve crafted the career and businesses that fulfill me (kind of what I talked about in the prior core directive). There isn’t a day I sit around bored, with no plans, no goals, and nothing to do…at least I hope not. If that day comes, I’d better sit back down and read this article and re-formulate my goals and purpose here.

Being that I do have a self-imposed busy schedule (which I don’t plan on making any lighter), and I do stick to the more traditional Monday — Friday workweek (not because I have to, but more because I want to and it aligns well with the rest of the world), I can’t be his travel buddy. I can’t be his home therapist or his sous chef or his adventure partner; at least not during the day in the workweek, when I’m dedicated to my businesses.

If that’s going to be a disappointment that bums him out and makes him feel isolated, or worse, rejected and judged, then I don’t believe he would end up absorbing very much positive energy from my rigid routine.

Quitting Your Job Isn’t the Answer to Happiness and Fulfillment. So, What Is?

This may sound a little bit roundabout and convoluted, but stick with me here, as I have thought this out: If you think quitting your job is the answer to happiness and fulfillment, but you don’t know exactly what you’ll do once you quit, then the answer to your happiness and fulfillment lies in determining what that is.

Whether you work a job, are a stay-at-home parent, or have already quit to chase after your dreams, you have to know what those dreams are. You have to have a good grasp on your drive, your passion, your long-term goals, and your motivating factors.

Because quitting and the subsequent freedom you’ll enjoy? They might sound nice, and they can be refreshing, even exhilarating. But they’re fleeting. What are you going to do after you’ve run out of “tree stump” to play and kindlenook books to read? Now, what’s your driving force towards long-term happiness and fulfillment? Unfortunately, it’s different for everyone, and only you can answer that.

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