Summary

The author reflects on the concept of toxic relationships, realizing that perceiving relationships through a "toxic gaze" can distort interactions and that true kindness and self-worth are key to healthier connections.

Abstract

The article "Seeing Through the Toxic-Gaze" delves into the author's personal journey of understanding toxic relationships. Initially, the author acknowledges the danger of labeling relationships as toxic, as it can lead to a biased perspective that amplifies negativity. This shift in perspective occurs during a personal crisis, the author's second son's traumatic birth and subsequent hospitalization. Surprisingly, support comes from those previously deemed toxic, prompting a reevaluation of what toxicity means. The author admits to expecting love and friendship as a debt owed rather than a mutual exchange, and recognizes the self-centered approach as a flawed way of interacting. Inspired by the genuine kindness of healthcare professionals, the author contrasts this with their own behavior towards friends and family. The realization dawns that the search for an "uncomfortable truth" in relationships was actually a projection of the author's own insecurities. The article concludes with the insight that the root of toxic relationships often lies in a lack of self-worth and that the solution is not to sever ties but to adjust one's perspective and offer love and respect generously.

Opinions

The author suggests that the term "toxic" can be misused, leading to a distorted view of relationships.
Support from unexpected sources during a crisis can challenge preconceived notions of toxicity.
True toxicity in relationships may stem from a lack of self-worth and unresolved personal issues.
The act of labeling relationships as toxic can be an avoidance tactic rather than a step towards resolution.
The author emphasizes that kindness and love should be given freely, without expectation of reciprocity.
Selfishness and a scorekeeping mentality are detrimental to maintaining healthy relationships.
The "toxic gaze" is a self-fulfilling prophecy that can create the very negativity it seeks to identify.
Personal growth and the ability to give without keeping score are presented as antidotes to toxic relationships.

Seeing Through the Toxic-Gaze

An Uncomfortable Truth about Toxic Relationships

The concept of toxic relationships is dangerous: once you get to thinking in those terms, it’s easy to see toxicity everywhere –

People meet new people and get obsessed, they find careers paths and become swamped in work, they suffer losses and shocks, get into new habits, they grow, they change —

If you’re watching them with your own emotional bank account in mind — counting each withdrawal and deposit and crying TOXIC! when there’s a deficit — you might be the proud possessor of a toxic gaze.

Like the Midas Touch, which turns everything it touches to solid gold, this gaze has a habit of turning everything it sees toxic.

Learning from (new) life

The birth of my second son 15 days ago was traumatic. He was rushed to a specialist hospital’s intensive care unit where he stayed for five days, sedated in an incubator. They thought he was having seizures caused by a breathing problem that meant his brain wasn’t getting enough oxygen.

It lasted for 5 days and it was horrendous. During that time, though, one comfort came from the people who I would have called the most toxic friends in my life.

The people whom I had decided it was best to cut out completely–

The people who I’ve competed with for years –

They sent messages of support, offering to drop everything and come help. One of them looked after my 8-year-old for 5 days, feeding, clothing, school-running — he even took him to museums, swimming, the cinema, etc.

I realized that toxic basically means love.

That I was to blame for everything.

That I’d been wearing toxic spectacles.

That the concept of toxic relationships and people lets you off and sets up this golden rule in your head: ask not what you can do for others but what they are doing to you.

I used to approach these people as if they owed me love and friendship — I was jealous of the successes they had especially when those successes led them away from me and when they became closer with other people.

I arrived at their homes with a glint in my eye that said — prove to me that you’re my friend — when I should have arrived wanting to prove it to them.

Who wants a friend who shows up and keeps a score of all the negatives?

Delivering Kindness

I was struck by the kindness of Doctors and Nurses in intensive care. They delivered their care so gently and yet powerfully, really seemed to care and to be looking after my wife and I as much as they sere the baby —

How different was this delivery of kindness to the way I used to treat some of my ‘toxic’ friends? I had deep and strong feelings for these people too — they were my best childhood friends, my brother, my family, I had every reason to be kind and loving, but my attitude was almost the opposite of these Doctors who didn’t know us at all.

Looking back, I realized that one of the big bugbears of my childhood needed reevaluating. I’d always been jealous of my brother for being my Dad’s ‘Golden Boy.’ I’d called it unfair and I’d wanted to change it and be recognized as equal at least. When Dad said things like, ‘Be more like you brother, he’s so charming and bright’, I’d darkened more — how can you say things like that? do you know what effect you’re having on me?

Until recently I would have called that toxic parenting.

Maybe it is a bit, but the bigger point is that he was right — my brother is charming, bright, kind and generous — he gives to others as the doctors do, he delivers love and good feelings: whereas too often I approached people with the attitude that they owed me something — that they were in deficit and needed to make investments.

I wanted to find the truth — the uncomfortable truth as to why my Dad preferred my brother, why my friends had done things that hurt me, why they didn’t seem to respect me as much as I’d like or as much as they used to. With strangers, I knew how to be light and fun and pleasant and make things go well, but with my closest circle, I often sought to disrupt the pleasant surface and try to get to some truth underneath it.

A truth that made people uncomfortable.

In the hospital I found the uncomfortable truth I’d been loo — it was me. It was the very act of searching for it. By suspecting it I was creating it, by trying to find it I was projecting it onto others.

It was my toxic gaze.

I sent nice messages of reply to my brother and friends and promised myself I wouldn’t slip into that petty selfishness again.

A clearer field of vision

Like other problems, the source of toxic relationships is a lack of self-worth. Issues you haven’t been able to deal with. When the social performances of your life don’t include all of the things you want to say and be. you feel unrecognized, resentful.

When you cry ‘toxic’ though, you travel in the wrong direction. Trying to cut off the relationships-that-matter at the source because those people are ‘toxic’ is too easy, it’s cowardly — instead, examine your gaze, listen to the criticisms of yourself you hear and feel from others.

If you feel you want more love and respect from people — don’t ask for it — don’t even try to earn it — give it out — abundantly — it will most likely come flooding back.