Seeing Through The Illusion
Diary entry
I indulged in intoxicants last night with friends and family. It was weird because despite all that I took, I could not seem to get drunk or high and seemed to remain composed and serene throughout.
Everyone around me was drunk or high, but I was very lucid, aware, alert. The intoxicants seemed to only have a mild effect on me despite the large amount I took. And they didn’t really feel as satisfying as they have in the past. They seem to have lost their appeal. I never thought I would ever say that.
My son asked me why I was still sober. He was amazed. He asked what was wrong with me, how could I not be wasted?
I shrugged my shoulders and said “I think it might be all the meditation I’ve been doing.”
It has changed me, and a side effect seems to be a calmness that remains even in the midst of a busy, at times, chaotic world around me.
There’s a peaceful centre I can remain connected with whatever the circumstances. Like being in the eye of the storm; or like clear water that is both still and flowing at the same time. I wonder if this is equanimity.
I think the time has finally come for me to leave intoxicants behind. They no longer interest me as they once did. They are not a way out of suffering.
I cannot explain how weird this is coming from me. As someone who has struggled with intoxicants and addiction practically my whole life. To suddenly feel I no longer need them. To feel that they are nothing special. I never thought I would ever say that.
I am keen to get deeper into meditation.
I feel strongly connected to all life at the moment, able to tap into the combined energy of a conscious field that all beings share (big mind) and channel it to do good.
When the impurity that closes us to connection is gone. When the conceit, greed, hostility and delusion are not getting in the way. No longer clouding our minds. I feel a connection with all beings everywhere and become a channel for something greater than this personality.
I practised metta (loving-kindness meditation) while with my friends and family. Silently wishing everyone well in my mind, feeling genuine love for all — I felt the energy of the place change.
People around me seemed to connect more powerfully, friendships grew, and the vibe of the room became full of warmth and cheer. A happy feeling permeated all.
I sat there smiling, surfing the waves of the background ambience. Feeling it in my entire body.
It was pleasant hearing the sound of voices in the room, as they combined into this living rhythm that ebbed and flowed with the energy of connection.
I felt great love move through me and channelled the energy without manipulating it in any way. I was an empty vessel, no person there, which meant I could effortlessly flow with it and be still.
No, you and me. No separation. No person. Just life flowing — each one of us part of its expression.
