Seeing Beyond Stereotypes

Recognising and accepting the truth is the first step towards achieving an equalist society

Just yesterday, I was having a cup of tea with my husband in the balcony. Amid the lock-down times, that is the outing we subscribe to for catching up on some fresh air. Having read a lot of essays and seen a lot of videos by Gloria Steinem lately, I was all pumped up. I was always a feminist but her work made me think deep and realise its importance much more. Thanks to the feminists and their voices, work and sacrifices in the last many decades that we get to live in a much better society than what it was in their times.

But have we reached the state of equalism yet?

I dived further on how even today, gender inequality in subtle or glaring ways still exists. It can manifest differently in India (from where I am) and the USA (or the other nations) but it is ubiquitous. He said,“ I do not see any inequality around”. Coming from an upper-middle-class family where I was never treated any different from my brother at home or any boy at school, even I felt until recently, it was perhaps overstretched by feminists. But, in retrospect, I can think of many instances where even I was exposed to sexist jibes and saw women being discouraged in subtle ways for speaking up in college, jobs and even at their homes or in-laws’ place.

He continued to listen while I passionately spoke without a pause as the evening gave way to twilight.

A few people can see what we sometimes can’t even sense. Gender prejudices or negative stereotypes are so well-knit into our society’s fabric and hence our mind’s wiring that we sometimes don’t perceive even a humiliation as humiliating or something to be concerned about. Since our teens, all of us get absorbed in the stereotypical training and as a society, we use that as the baseline-the normal and never question or try to see the falsehood behind those notions. Who wants to think when everything has been thought out so well already? If everyone around us adheres to such definitions, all we see is ourselves also getting defined by those and in turn enforcing those on others too as we grow up. It is, after all, the oldest pandemic where the chain is yet to be completely broken.

If all of us wear tinted glasses coloured by stereotypical shades, we would not be able to see the real essence of truth and anyone who dares to toss over those glasses and attempts to see the truth and debunk the myths/lies are labelled as radicals, feminists, disturbed, argumentative, uncultured, anti-men or even mad.

He nodded and seemingly agreed.

It was almost dark and he decided to finish his home work-out regimen while I decided to continue crystallising and sharing my thoughts by writing. There was so much I wanted to voice out, after all. When you finally decide to toss over the tinted glasses, there are times when you are hit by a tsunami of memories where you feel you should have stood up and reasoned out rather than accepted or stood quietly for the love of “norm” and “compliance to stereotypes”.

Recognising and Realising it is half the battle won

After our wedding, I was expected to now be a part of my husband’s family, having left my own (the so-called norm in India and many other parts of the world). Even when we were staying in another state in our own home, this notion persisted. His parents, though very sweet and loving, are quite the victims of patriarchy, like, mostly, everyone around me/(us). They have an air of superiority for having contributed a son to this wedlock instead of a daughter. When they married their daughters off, they were on the other side. And now, they felt, it was their chance to “bask in the glory” or garner importance. My father- in- law, says he believes in equality and yet doesn’t stop reaffirming that it is his son he all has or whom he depends fully on as he has apparently “given away” his two daughters.

This is not the only thing that irks me. Why is a wife supposed to put her husband (and his family) first but it is fine (or normal) if the husband doesn’t? The hypocrisy and the reluctance of people- men and women alike, to see the double standards behind their words and actions is what is far more annoying and illogical. For instance, when my mother-in-law, on one hand, angrily, tells me that my husband and I are not a family- my husband’s siblings, their spouses and their kids, in turn, are also someone I need to consider equally as a pack and be respectful of (not that I disagree); and on the other hand, I notice, she does consider her daughter and her son-in-law as a family enough to decide their matters and never imposes angrily on her son-in-law to honour her daughters’ siblings, their spouses and their kids etc. and keep them happy or consider them family, despite anything.

While I processed this duality and tried to take it in the positive spirit, I also wondered if my siblings, their spouses and kids deserve such honour and respect in my husband’s paradigm? Thanks to patriarchy and the gender divide, that narrative changes very well and conveniently when it comes to the sons-in-law. A son-in-law is at a higher pedestal when compared to a daughter-in-law.

Such seemingly harmless gestures or traditions deepen the gulf of inequality. They reinforce the centuries-old typo (or myth) of one gender being superior to the other. There are many such vices we will find across the globe in the name of rituals, traditions, culture or under the guise of something that looks “cute/loving” and “natural” or “normal”.

Change the Narrative and change will follow

While we have started to accept women working outside homes and being independent, why is it still considered abnormal for having a man work in the kitchen and hence be independent?

“I’m glad we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like our sons, but it will never work until we raise our sons more like our daughters.” — Gloria Steinem

There are many more of such examples where we witness people saying that they believe in equality when they really mean is that they are unable to see or accept the lies spoken, practised, imposed and propagated in every aspect of their lives. I am no exception- we all do this at one time or another.

My elder sister, who has been my guide since my childhood and hence an inspiration in many ways made me realise that it is okay to not choose to fight every battle but it is not okay to criticize others who fight this war (in everyone’s benefit). We cannot close our eyes and pretend we are not on the same side when someone else chooses to fight or speak up- because, like it or not, we are. We are all girls or women; we are all humans and fighting against the systems imposing stereotypes and divisions on us.

The art of choosing

The idea is to not absolve ourselves of the responsibility of recognising the truth. The idea is to have a choice to either speak up or stay thoughtfully silent. But, in any case, one must make an effort to realise the truth and when someone else chooses to speak, to encourage them and not impose, our inability to feel the truth, or our choices, by saying they are unladylike or impertinent or uncultured …just because they chose to speak up for the right thing. As that would be regressive then.

All of us, at one point or the other, may choose to smile and comply with norms and it is alright too (if it doesn’t impact you too much). Sometimes, we do end up choosing short term harmony over long term peace (pretence over truth) when it comes to personal/domestic affairs. But, one must make sure, to realise it and acknowledge it at the least. We shouldn’t try to convert such choices or any weaknesses into an ideological virtue.

Well, I decided to learn to face the truth more often and speak out what I mean sans veils of sugar-coating or guilt. I decided to correct myself, too, every time I fell for any prejudice. I decided to be more mindful of the ‘truth’ and align my words and actions to resonate with it. I chose to not deny its very existence just to make myself fit in and seem ladylike or have people praise me.

My experience with facing the irony of the duality and learning the art of taking my side

I have recently started to become intolerant towards instances of duality (sometimes disguised as love) which the society showers on each of us every day of our lives under the grip of patriarchy and its created shadows of stereotypes/prejudices. I ask questions and argue. I got into a similar debate at my in-laws’ place. I was talking about stereotypes citing a few daily examples, when they denied they practice it, and how it affects all of us negatively be it, men or women. Two months later, I was told how they did not like my argumentative nature and the way I was talking with such fervour. I should learn to be more ladylike and learn to ignore things. They felt bad because I tried to reason out and show them the ironies we all are subjected to due to our stereotypical lifelong conditioning.

I was perhaps expected to be meek and submissive to be branded as a decent daughter-in-law with good values. If I had to be vocal about my feelings or bold enough to passionately oppose anything, I was supposed to be a son or a son-in-law, basically a man. Else, how could I? We have been ignoring such gestures and reactions for far too long now. And this reaction was not surprising but coming from another woman, my mother-in-law, it was ironical!

My first reaction was anger and confusion as I was being criticized for speaking my mind. But then I realised, it was coming from someone whose husband proudly boasted in front of his brother and relatives, how his kids have his (and his side of the family)genes and hence are such beautiful, strong adults while my mother-in-law sat quietly. (Such comments and gestures, although seemingly trivial and harmless, making women feel like they don’t count or are invisible are still prevalent even in modern families). She looked absolutely fine with such a comment- as if she didn’t consider or feel it as even slightly wrong, illogical, offensive or even a tad bit humiliating. She just couldn’t see it with those tinted glasses, perhaps. Further, she idealised that as a virtue in a woman, as she has been doing it since forever- to stay silent and/or not think about.

Hence she started expecting that from me (and other women) and felt insulted rather than encouraged when I chose, instead, to speak up against any such comment or gesture which reinforces gender divide (myths) even more.

Is facing the truth so hard and exhausting? Is it the comfort zone of the cage, the stereotypes bind us all to, which makes us so myopic?

Had she made an effort to recognise the fact that she was being wronged and had she even said something to honour her self-worth that day, it would have made a progressive difference towards a better tomorrow (for herself too). After all, it all begins at home. Many of us in that get-together would have also been proud of her had she chosen voice over unthoughtful silence. Even her husband would have realised his folly and respected her more after it. After all, if women do not respect themselves and acknowledge the truth- their worth and contributions, how and why would anyone else?

If only we all understood the simple truth that in my voice lies their worth too and in their worth lies my voice too.

When will that age dawn when saying what you mean or feel becomes something any gender could think of doing, unapologetically?

It is good that everyone finds an equilibrium to pass life honourably in their eyes based on their comfort zone but wouldn’t it be better to also realise the truth and stand up for yourself at every such remark or mindset that wants to make you more silent?

After all, tolerance is both a virtue and a vice!

We will have to think deeply and start questioning the so-called “norms/the inevitable”. We can shun the burden of stereotypes from our shoulders. We do NOT need to carry them any further.

We will have to stop denying the truth and learn to face it even if it doesn’t seem pleasant, normal or cute in the beginning. Better late than never.

Realization is the first step towards any reform.

3Rs: Realise->Respond->Reform is my new motto to deal with this crisis.

And I continued observing, learning, speaking up and writing…getting closer to truly embracing truth each day bit by bit.

-GK