Secrets To Understanding and Communicating Better With Men
Men only communicate the end result of their internalized thinking process.
Most women get frustrated when trying to communicate with their spouses. They often talk to men in languages they believe the men in their lives should be able to grasp only to sound as if they are speaking in a foreign language.
Women understand themselves so much and very easily land on the same page when discussing most issues. Unfortunately, women expect same understanding from their spouse without understanding the differences between how men and women communicate their feelings in general. It is therefore imperative for women to have a clear picture of how men think, listen and express their feelings in order to chart a new course in effectively communicating with their partners.
Men Need a Focal Point during Conversation
Men are in general goal-oriented and predisposed to feeling more relaxed operating within boundaries they are comfortable with. This way, they are able to retain a feeling of being in charge over whatsoever circumstances they may be in. As a result of this, most men need to have a focus in mind when they are having a conversation with a woman. They like to know what the reason for the discussion is and what is hoped-for from them. Under these conditions, they have a better sense of what they are doing when talking to a woman.
Women on the other hand are generally too unclear, imprecise, and open-minded. This does not give the man any direction to take or any boundaries within which the conversation can build up making him become increasingly uncomfortable and likely to become reluctant in contributing constructively to the discussion.
While women are more process-oriented, men are rather goal-oriented. This permits women to be able to chat without having any idea where the conversation is going or what the point of the conversation is all about. They enjoy the process of being able to express themselves verbally.
However this type of conversation while enjoyable by women might make most men uninterested in pursuing the conversation, appear resistant, become argumentative and may attempt putting off having future discussions.
Therefore when a woman wants to talk to a man, it is better to give him an outline about what the discussion is centered on, what you are hoping to achieve, and what precisely you are demanding from him. This gives him an objective for the discussion and feels more at home getting drawn into the conversation. Also asking him detailed questions helps structure the conversation for him.
Men cannot read your mind and so when you want to ask a man for anything, it is advisable not to give him hints about what you want but instead tell him specifically what it is you want from him. Strategies such as being vague about what’s actually troubling you, tip-offs about something you want or testing your partner by asking him what he thinks about an subject rather than directly asking about his view may make him seem manipulated and annoyed.
Men Only Communicate the End Result of their Internalized Thinking Process
Men are generally ashamed to show their fears or uncertainties and therefore will only answer when they are sure about the answer or solution to any given situation. Because of this fear of being wrong most men will not give a quick answer. They rather prefer “to think about it” than answer immediately giving them time to refine their answers.
While men internalize their thinking process, women on the other hand express their thinking process out loud i.e. women generally “think out loud”. This gives most men the impression that women just “talk too much” while really all they are trying to do is express themselves in their most natural way. This manner of talking about problems is what helps most women make up their minds about their feelings and give them more insight into the problem. Men rather just want a straightforward statement of the problem.
Men find it difficult Getting in Touch With their Emotions
Men do not have very much emotion. To most men, the inner world of emotions is an unfamiliar and dreadful terrain. While men find it easier staying in their heads, women are far more familiar with their emotions and articulating their feelings. This lack of self-assurance about their emotional feelings makes men apprehensive when trying to explore or express their feelings.
Humans general feel comfortable with what they are familiar with. Men therefore feel controlled by anything they are not good at since they do not have power or control over it. This is why men try as much as possible to avoid their emotional worlds since they lack the emotional power to control their emotions.
Women often misinterpret this weakness in men to mean that the men in their lives are often not sensitive, dispassionate and uncaring. While it might look like most men do not feel anything, the reverse is the case, as they are actually finding it difficult to “get in touch” with what they are feeling.
When men end up feeling judged and misunderstood, they may become more defiant, stubborn, irritated and generally more unwilling to showing the kind of emotional reaction their partner is asking from them. Men that are stressed to talk and are uncertain of what to say to their partners might want to change the subject, or even verbally attack their spouse in a bid to buy time to figure out what precisely is happening inside of him.
To better understand men’s emotional side during conversations, women should try not to overwhelm them by outpouring all of their emotions on them at the same time and expecting them to respond positively. One quick way to get men out of their head and into their hearts is by trying to physically touch them. Try to hold their hands, rest your hand on their arm or hugging them. Men are intimately attached to their bodies and your physical touch will help bring him into a more sensitive and susceptible state of mind.
More by Raymond Michael from The Good Men Project on Medium:
This post was previously published on Loving-Relationship.com and The Good Men Project.
About Raymond Michael
Raymond Michael is an enthusiastic Fitness and Relationship blogger. He believes personal fitness should be an integral part of enjoying a long-term loving relationship. Raymond provides insightful and well researched articles to help individuals achieve their best in both of these areas.