Secret Law Of Power: Handling Disrespect

There is a secret law of power that you must learn if you wish to be successful at the level of your maximum potential.

If you only want to be moderately successful, you don’t need to learn this law. If you just wish to be comfortable in your present surroundings- to “go along and get along” — then you can safely ignore this one.

But if you really want to attain your full potential and reach the height of who you can be, you must understand it.

This law of power is not an easy law. It may require sacrifice. That’s why many people choose to ignore it.

In fact, this law of power might require you to give up everything you have.

When you understand this law of power, it might make you realize that you have been doing things the wrong way- and you have to give certain things up. You have to tear down parts of your life in order to rebuild on a more solid foundation.

For many people, that’s a deal breaker.

The life they live, the job they hold, and the house they live in are comfortable. They don’t want to give it up those known things just to pursue an unknown future, even if that future will probably be better.

The secret law of power is this:

“When someone doesn’t respect you, they will never respect you- regardless of what you do.”

This is a powerful law that you must understand. It has serious ramifications.

It means that when someone doesn’t respect you, there is no way for you to change that. There is no way for you to earn their respect. The die is cast.

You have heard the expression “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” That old saying is timeless wisdom- because it’s true.

The same goes for respect. If someone does not respect you, you will never get a “second chance” to make them respect you. You can’t earn their respect. Respect is a yes/no thing- and their answer was no.

When someone such as a boss, coworker, or even a family member does not respect you, they never will. It is best for you to realize that fact instead of trying to “earn” their respect- a hopeless task.

When someone doesn’t respect you, their mind is made up. Their decision to look down on you is not based on rational factors such as your abilities or achievements. It is more tribal and instinctual.

When someone looks down on you, it says more about them than it does about you. It’s based on the things they have going on in their own life such as their perceptions and biases- not on anything you have done. That’s why you can’t change their decision.

Their decision to disrespect you is based on them, not you. You can’t change their view of themselves- so how can you change their view about you?

Clearly, it’s impossible. You shouldn’t even try.

Many people who disrespect you do so as a challenge. They use their disrespect as a tool to gain power over you. They intend for their disrespect to be a challenge to you- so that you will constantly be working to earn their respect.

You will always be pushing a boulder uphill, trying to gain their approval. And they are forever standing at the top of the hill, withholding that approval. Their respect is always just out of reach. And they are always on top.

Don’t play that game.

When someone does not respect you, you must realize that the die is cast. That’s it. They made their decision. The bell was rung, and it cannot be un-rung.

Now your tactics revolve around three strategies: contain, expel, and exit.

“Contain” means that you contain that person. You put them in a box.

You don’t give them an inch. If a colleague who disrespects you is constantly undermining you in meetings, you are ready for it. You expect it. You go about putting them on the defensive.

One way to do this is by asking questions that reveal their disrespect, thereby making them sound ridiculous.

For example, Bob has always been a thorn in your side. He disrespects you. At every company meeting you make a suggestion- and he shoots it down.

You must learn techniques to isolate Bob- to box him in, without being goaded by him. (Under no circumstances should you rise to take the bait. That’s just what Bob wants: for you to lose your cool.)

Instead, ask questions. Asking questions is a great way to expose hostile people.

You can say things like “Gee, Bob, the group here is trying to find a solution to a pressing problem that is a top concern of management. But all you offer is negativity. Can you try to be a little more productive, and contribute to the success of the group instead of tearing it down? I’m sure management would appreciate that.”

The tactic of “expel” means just what it says. The person who disrespects you has to go.

If you are their boss, you fire them. If you have any power over them, you use it to get rid of them. If you are in charge of a list of who gets invited to an event, their name falls off the list.

You should not feel guilty about this. In their mind, it’s either you or them- so you would be silly to feel any other way. It’s a matter of survival.

The third strategy is “exit.” This is the most challenging one.

“Exit” means that you recognize when you are playing a losing game, and you switch to a new game. You do it on your own terms so as not to harm your own interests.

If you have a boss who disrespects you, your only solution is to find a new employer. You can’t complain about your toxic boss to management. Firstly, they are on his side. Secondly, complaining about anything always makes you look like a loser.

(The only exception to this is if you have something on your boss that will get him fired. If you know that he is stealing from the company, or engaged in other serious misconduct- you might report him in order to get him terminated.)

Instead of complaining, keep doing a stellar job. And use your free time to quietly go about finding a new job.

When you hand in your notice and HR asks you why you are leaving, you might say something along the lines of “I’m looking for an environment where I get better support from my managers.” Companies don’t like to lose people because turnover is expensive. The blame will fall squarely where it should- on your toxic boss.

But you will be out of the picture. You successfully used the “exit” strategy.

The same goes for other situations. If you have been disrespected, and you can’t contain the person doing it or expel them, you have to leave.

Instead of using your energy to try to make yourself respected (something you can never do), find a new place where you are respected.

For most people, this is a big step. They are reluctant to uproot themselves and their families. They don’t want to explore new frontiers. But sometimes, it has to be done.

The laws of power are iron clad. Sometimes they feel harsh. They are designed that way, because over time the survival of the human race has depended on them.

You can’t ignore the laws of power if you want to attain your maximum success. You only ignore the laws of power around people who have earned that right- those who have proven themselves worthy of your trust.

When someone has no respect for you, realize that is a permanent condition. It is no different than their hair color or eye color. There is nothing you can do about it. Their opinion won’t change.

Act accordingly. Use the strategies of “contain, expel, and exit” to preserve your own best interests- and receive the respect you deserve.