MENTAL HEALTH
Searching Ways to Cope With Survivor’s Guilt
The second time around is even more painful.
Five years ago, Hurricane María hit Borikén (aka Puerto Rico). I wasn’t here, so I sent canned foods (via a local firehouse in El Barrio (NYC’s Spanish Harlem neighborhood).
I also went to Marshalls and picked up a few clothes for children, then headed over to Taíno Towers (also en El Barrio) to donate to the same.
And this is where my survivor’s guilt begins.
Non-existent Language
There are two words I generally keep out of my vocabulary: regret & guilt.
The former serves zero purpose. As I’ve said many times before, no one can turn the clock back. We cannot return to yesterday, last year, not even two seconds ago — so what’s the point of having regret?
As for the latter, it works to build blame within. And since I live my life to be responsible for my actions, to take accountability, feelings of guilt are pointless. I make decisions fully conscious of what I’m doing and what that means is only I am responsible.
When I think of those words, I remind myself they serve nothing. For me, they do not exist.
Twice Survived
When María hit in September 2017, a cousin sent me a video of the Category 4 storm’s impact. Gusting winds over 100mph raged in her clip.
I remember as if it was yesterday. Early that day, I was already at the office. Heading to grab my almond croissant and latte, I stopped at a quiet area to view the video.
Tears caressed my cheeks.
For the next several weeks and months, I kept in touch with family members. At work, several of us (Puerto Rican or otherwise connected to the archipelago) daily exchanged updates — keeping us informed of what was happening.
I sent donations, canned goods, and some clothing. That was all. I could’ve hopped a flight and done more. I could’ve held a family member’s hand. I couldn’ve offered a shoulder to lean on. But, I did none of this.
One week ago, Huracán Fiona hit our beloved Borikén. I was not here. My partner and I knew there would be a storm, but had not expected it would turn so disastrous.
There was a cultural event, honoring the centennial of Evelina Antonetty, a Puerto Rican advocate of education and families in the Bronx. As part of 10 artists who participated in renditions of Ms. Antonetty’s activism, my partner created his vibrant painting in his studio here in Loíza (his is image #5 where an expressive doña Evelina is shown pointing, with a Puerto Rican flag filled paper in her right hand — he edited the original picture with her holding a blank paper).
We left the Friday before Fiona made landfall.
By last Sunday we had connected with family and friends, but changing our flight was a non-option. I contacted United Airlines on Monday and was told our flight would leave the following day.
Twice, major hurricanes have hit my wondrous Borikén. Twice, I wasn’t here. I will live with this for the rest of my life.
Actionable Efforts
In coping with what I’m going through, I realize it’s counterproductive. Holding on to these painful feelings is making me even more sensitive.
So what am I doing?
Am using outreach as a means to connect with neighbors, spend time listening to elders, take food items, sharing a smile.
While I was in NYC, a good friend of mine (she has become my sister) brought a bunch of LED lights and batteries to distribute. I’ve been posting to Instagram ways that others can help. I’ve shared information about a hotline for emotional assistance (Linea PAS — 1.800.981.0023).
Spreading details on recovery efforts is one empowering way to help my people here.
As this article from an Australian counseling center notes, feelings of guilt can “immobilize” and “interfere with decision making.” It’s important I move forward with what I can do, not dwell in the past.
I am stronger than I know, I just need to remind myself.
For another look at how to help Puerto Rico, please check my story: