Need saving? Save yourself.

If you’re looking for a life-saver, try looking within.

by: E.B. Johnson

Finding our own way in this increasingly maddening world is hard. We get lost in the details and the chaos and before we know it, we’re barely keeping our heads above water.

When you’re feeling vulnerable or when you’re struggling emotionally, it can seem a bit like being stuck on a sinking ship. Getting pulled under by our grief or our hopelessness leaves us exhausted and looking for relief in strange places. Feeling like you aren’t strong enough to go on can cause you to seek salvation in others — a dangerous precedent to set and a foolhardy pattern to find yourself repeating.

If life is falling apart around you, there’s only one person you can turn to: yourself. You are the only one who can save the day. Realizing that takes time, though, and it takes coming to rely on yourself like you never have before.

Why we rely on others to solve our problems.

There are many different reasons we look to other people to solve our woes when the going gets tough. For some of us, it is simply because we are too run-down by our depression or struggle to see our own strengths clearly. For others, it’s sheer laziness or foolhardiness.

“No one saves us but ourselves. We ourselves must walk the path.” — Siddhartha Buddha

More often than not, looking to others to solve our problems makes things worse — not better. Inviting people into the issues or conflicts that we are experiencing invites those issues and conflicts into their life too, a factor that can corrode relationships over time.

Giving away our autonomy in this way also removes a vital chance to change and grow as a person. When we allow another person to come in and take charge, we are giving away our own personal power, diminishing ourselves in a way that is demeaning and self-defeating.

Though this relinquishing of responsibility can feel good for a while, it leaves us more vulnerable to life’s many cruelties. The only way to vanquish our demons is to face them, but that takes courage and it takes knowing the signs of coming self-destruction.

Sure-fire signs that life is spinning out of control.

When we feel as though events in our life as spinning out of our control, we look to others to assume that control we can no longer handle. There are some sure-fire signs that your life is spinning out of control, but it often takes some brutal honesty to recognize it.

You’ve forgotten your choices.

Getting stuck in a ruck can make it seem as though we’re left with no choice, but that’s just not true. There’s always a choice and there’s always a moment when enough is enough, you just have to define when that moment is and remember that you have options.

You’ve forgotten what you do and don’t deserve.

When things get out of control, they get out of focus and we lose sight of what we do and don’t deserve. Not everyone will see us in the same light, but we deserve to be treated with respect no matter what. When we find ourselves surrounded by people who disrespect and belittle us, it’s often a sign that our life is spinning out of control (and that we’ll soon be looking for someone else to control it).

You’re obsessed over the past.

Often, when our here and now is miserable, we obsess over the past and the things we could have done differently. This “coulda, shoulda, woulda” mentality does not serve our growth and does nothing but make us feel worse about ourselves and how we’re feeling. We can change the past so we might as well take its lessons on board and move on.

Your minor irritations become big problems.

If the littlest thing evokes the biggest reaction in you, it might be a sign that you’re losing control. Mood swings are one of the first early warnings of losing a grip over your life, and when pesky irritations become major problems that’s doubly the case.

You’ve lost your passions.

Passion is what puts color and meaning in our lives. Losing touch with our passions causes us to disconnect with the things that matter and can leave us feeling miserable and helpless. When we lose our passions, we lose who we are. Losing who you are makes you vulnerable to predators and pretenders who would use you for ill.

You no longer like who you are.

If you look in the mirror and can’t stand the person that’s looking back at you, it’s a sign that major changes are needed in your life. When we become so distant from our authentic selves that we no longer recognize who we are, it means that we aren’t doing the work we should on ourselves and the way we see and interact with the world.

You’ve forgotten what happiness feels like.

When one little thing has the power to tear you down, you have lost touch with your happiness and the things that guide your passions. Forgetting how to laugh, smile and be at peace is a definitive signs that things are going wrong in our lives and one of the biggest signs that it’s time to save ourselves.

How to save yourself when everything is falling apart.

You cannot rely on others to make things better or fix the things that are going wrong in your life. While the people that we love can help us, they can’t change what we’ve done or decisions we’ve made that have led us down a path to unhappiness.

If your life is falling apart, you are the only one who can piece it back together. Once you’ve picked yourself up off the floor, put your life back on track using this combination of truths and techniques.

1. Realize and accept that you are the light at the end of the tunnel.

Falling into depression or hopelessness can cause you to lose sight of the things you want in life. When we don’t know who we are or what we want, we look to someone else to define that for us. The problem there is that no one can define us but ourselves. The longer we strive to live someone else’s picture of perfection, the more unhappy we will we.

Realize and accept that you are the only light at the end of the tunnel. There is no one that can “save” you, because there is no one who knows your journey and what you’re going through as intimately as you.

2. Take care of yourself before you try to take care of others.

If you’ve ever been on a commercial flight, then you know the saying “Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.” The same goes for life.

It is impossible to help others or be a contributing member of any friend / family unit when you are unable to take care of yourself. Being unable to define your own value and self worth makes it impossible for you to communicate that value with the world.

Try as you might, if you’re broke-down and unhappy on the inside, you’ll have nothing to offer others on the outside. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.

Allow yourself to fall in love with you, just as deeply and unabashedly as you fall in love with others. When you love yourself, you can spread that love to others, but not before.

Cultivate love for yourself by celebrating your strengths and developing a mindful journaling or exercising practice that helps you to feel confident and fulfilled. There’s no one cut-and-dry way to take care of yourself, just follow the things that give your mental and physical wellbeing the food they need to thrive.

3. Ease off that inner-critic.

Our inner critics are one of the number one causes of giving up and giving in when the going gets tough. When we allow our inner critic too much leeway , it can destroy our sense of self and our self-esteem in ways which make it easy for others to use us and take advantage of us.

Ease off that inner critic and develop new ways to deal with all the biting critiques. Learn how to avoid the triggers that set him or her off and try to cultivate positive responses to her negative outbursts. You can do this by reframing your own world views and getting to the root of the childhood traumas and heartbreaks that led to such a virulent inner voice.

Judging others is stupid, but judging yourself is especially pointless. We are all humans and we all make mistakes. The sooner you realize that (and accept it) the happier you’ll be. Whatever you achieve, someone will achieve better. However bad you did, someone will do worse. Take no notice of your inner critic and start living your life in line what what you know is your authentic truth.

4. Set a schedule (and have an end goal in sight).

Consider all the things that have slipped through the cracks and think about why you let the stress mount until everything fell apart. Missing deadlines and biting off more than we can chew is one of the number one reasons we find ourselves drowning, overcoming that comes down to setting a schedule and having clear, achievable end goals in sight.

Hold yourself accountable by setting yourself a schedule you can manage. Figure out what you want and how you need to get there. These things in sight, you can empower yourself to climb out of the hole.

Don’t worry about the messiness or all the bad things that might happen or set you back in-between. Figure our point A and then focus on getting to point B. When you make concrete plans you can celebrate hitting milestones and learn how to be okay with your hustle. Think about what it takes to get back to your true happiness and do whatever it takes to get there. The only one standing in the way is you.

5. Back off and let yourself be distracted.

If you’re too overwhelmed to focus, forcing yourself to focus won’t do any good. What can do you some good, however, is getting lost in a distraction. The things that cloud up the waters when we’re super-focused and super-busy are (coincidentally) just the thing we need to get some space when things get too stressful.

Do the things now that would be a distraction to you when working on a goal, task or important project. This can be as simple as tackling that gardening you’ve been thinking about for months or cleaning that room you don’t like looking at anymore. The distractions don’t need to be extravagant — they just need to give your mind a break.

6. Consider all the possibilities.

You might think that you’ve considered all the options that you have, but chances are, you haven’t.

Simply Googling ideas of how to dig yourself out of whatever mess you find yourself in is a great way to discover new tips and plans of action. Sometimes, the overwhelming amount of information coming at us makes us paralyzed, and we become stuck and scared thanks to our insecurities and past experiences.

Take this opportunity to realize that there are solutions out there, you just have to be creative and wait for them to come to you. Life always resolves itself, whether in high times or in low, if we just give it the chance. You can find the answers, but you need to start looking in the places. Inside.

7. Forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is the number one element needed when it comes to healing and finding our way back to happiness. When we forgive ourselves, we allow ourselves to be human; an act that is transformative in and of itself.

Playing your mistakes back on repeat is a toxic action that keeps so many of us stuck, scared and looking for someone to rescue us.

We like to think of ourselves as an omnipotent continuum, but the fact of the matter is that we are scared, broken children longing for someone to tell us that things are going to be “alright”.

Forgiving ourselves allows us to let go of the bitterness and rage that impacts everything from the way we view the world to the decisions that we make for our lives and our families. Forgiveness is the first step in healing, but it’s often the hardest to embrace.

8. Find your anchors.

Our anchors are the things that keep us grounded to our true selves; they are the things that bring us back to center when the world tries to pull us in too many directions.

When we’re struggling, we disconnect from ourselves in an attempt to find a way back to the surface. This disconnection can make our souls feel like an echo and when we sink this low we lose our joy along with any sense of who we are or who we could become.

Find your anchors and let them bring you back to your true self when it feels like the storm is tossing you beyond your depths. This can take the form of journalling, meditation or event flow activities like cooking. When your life explodes, your anchors are there to guide you back into calmer waters.

Strengthen and tie back on to your anchors by devoting 20 minutes a day to cultivating them. Focus on activities that sing to your soul and especially focus on activities that offer enlightenment or self-revelation.

9. Give yourself a fresh start.

It will come as no surprise that fresh starts are a great way to save yourself when things don’t go the way you planned. Even a superficial change can give our minds (and our hearts) the illusion of a fresh start when we’re struggling, and give us the reinvigorated spirit that we need to overcome the obstacles that are dragging us under.

Fresh starts don’t have to be complicated and they don’t have to involve moving to a new country or shaving your head and changing your name to Rutabaga Sky (though they can). Some of the best ways to give yourself the sense of a fresh start are:

• A “letting go” ritual like a letter burning ceremony or a balloon release.
• A 7-day challenge for a burst of energy and motivation.
• Decluttering your home, garage and storage spaces.

Remember: Everything is impermanent and everything changes. Expediting that change allows you to take control of your destiny in a manner that can calm your fears and allow you to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

10. Stop being a victim and realize that the only one in control of your destiny is you.

We most often look to be rescued because we get stuck in the mindset that we are a victim. It’s much easier and more convenient to believe that the world has it out for you, than to accept that it is your choices that have led to the predicament you now find yourself in.

Take back your power by realizing that the only one in control of whether you sink or swim is you. Never allow yourself to be a victim, not even by circumstance.

Getting stuck in a “poor me” mentality will get you nothing but more of the same. When you insist on being the victim, you will wave, wish and lose focus of the powers and strengths that comprise the real you.

Be decisive. Drop the self-doubt and stop giving your power away to people who can’t even direct the course of their own lives. Wallowing in our insecurities and allowing them to define us in a bruised sense of victimhood will do nothing save to keep you stuck in this mess even longer than you already have been. Make a decision about where you’re going and stick to it.

Putting it all together…

When life starts falling apart, it can feel like we need someone to rescue us from the mess that we made. Expecting others to save us, however, is a dangerous way of thinking and one that is guaranteed to destroy our quality of life of over time.

Reclaim your power by realizing that no one can save you but yourself. You are the one that made the decisions that led you to this point today, no one else. Forgive yourself for being human and take the steps you need to get yourself back on course. You can reconnect with who you are and where you’re going by finding your anchors, it just takes time and effort.

Whatever you do, be true to yourself and remember that you have all the strength you need to overcome this darkness. There is a light in you that could outshine the world. Let it be the beacon that guides you back to the safety of calmer waters and happier shores.