Satire | Self Improvement
How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
“One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.” — George Carlin
A short satirical piece on what not to do according to the book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
When I woke up next to my partner the other week the first thing I did after smiling and lovingly looking into her eyes was, tell her her breath smelt bad.
Outcome: She didn’t cook me my favorite muffins for 3 weeks (some would say that wasn’t long enough.)
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation
I told my sister that she needed to start thinking outside the box. Also that she was being narrow-minded.
Outcome: I didn’t get to see my niece and nephew who I love dearly, for 2 months.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want
I met this girl I liked. When she didn’t reply to my text message. I sent her 3 more.
Outcome: I watched some porn and went to bed alone. I assume she blocked me.
Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You
Principle 1: Become genuinely interested in other people
I find it very difficult to be interested in things I am not interested in.
Outcome: I spend a lot of Saturday nights at home on the couch in my undies watching football. Maybe I should be disappointed about this.
Principle 2: Smile
Now I do smile a lot.
Outcome: Stops me from crying.
Principle 3: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
I saw a woman’s name the other day it was MaMa Dew Dew Pants.
Outcome: LOL
Principle 4: Be a good listener
When you like the sound of your voice too much. This will never happen.
Outcome: I nod my head and smile when my partner talks.
Principle 5: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
See principle 1.
Outcome: I don’t talk much.
Principle 6: Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely
I find for work most are like this.
Outcome: I work from home (even when I am supposed to be in the office.)
Future Outcome: You’re fired!
Part 3: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
I pull a constipated face. Then walk off.
Outcome: My list of problems gets longer.
Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
I use to like sayings this. A lot.
Outcome: a lot of failed relationships.
Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
I sometimes will murmur this under my breath.
Outcome: Curl up in the fetal position.
“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”
— George Carlin