Satan’s Top 5 Deliciously Evil Tips to Being Successful on Medium
Satan tells us how to get into the elusive top 8% on Medium by making over $100 in a month
This year, I want you to be successful on Medium.com — and you don’t even have to sell me your soul to do it! But you may have to slightly lower your Medium morals…if you had any to begin with, that is.
Come down and join me with this devilishly simple (and slightly evil) guide to get into the top 8% on Medium — if you dare.
Tip #1: Follow to get followed
No one likes an unpopular demon. If you want to lower yourself to the ranks of the best beasts, you need to build a following on Medium.
And what better way to do that than by following other authors on here? Give in to your inner greed and vanity and start following people.
Better yet, only add other paying members of Medium. Let’s make this a true Ponzi scheme for writers — don’t let those heavenly bloggers dissuade you from it.
See that simply delicious green circle around the profile picture of J.J. Pryor? That means he’s a paying member of the Medium subscription plan — and that if he reads your stuff (after following you), you’ll get a portion of his monthly fees.
Even better, Medium allows you to follow up to 150 members per day in the browser version.
So for a simple 10 minutes every day, you can gain 15–25 new followers. That really adds up over time. I hellishly recommend you use 1 of those 150 adds and follow J.J. Pryor.
Go on.
Follow him.
I’m waiting.
Tip #2: Write about Medium on Medium
Want to earn a quick $10? Of course, you do. But I already knew that, you little hellion.
And what’s more evil in this day and age than another article about Medium on Medium? Oh god yes. They’re my favorite.
They can be your favorite too, especially when you’ve been writing on the platform for a while.
Need an extra $10 for coffee this week? Go write about your struggles after 1 month on Medium. (Even that notorious fiend J.J. Pryor was guilty of this little crime)
Perhaps you’re tired of stealing wallets this month and want to rob people of some brainpower instead. Talk with absolute certainty about how Medium’s extremely private algorithms work.
Want to upgrade your ticket to hell to first class? Then tell me how to make $10,000 on Medium when you have 100,000 followers.
Tip #3: Use clickbait titles
Use this delish little tidbit when you don’t have the content to back up your crazy pictures. Nothing tempts the soul of a person like a juicy clickbait title.
You know you shouldn’t click it — but you always do, don’t you?
There were some do-gooder people that even studied 69,907 of them in 2014. And guess what they found?
The most polarizing titles ended up with the most clicks.
Hell, I’ll even give you a few absolutely brutish suggestions to use:
- Angel Gabriel Shares His One Amazing Secret to Getting Into Heaven
- Why We Love Committing Crimes
- How to Lose Weight By Being a Glutton
- The Best Ways to Shower in Holy Water Without Getting Burned
- The Ultimate Guide to Eating Delicious Apples in Gardens
Mmmm, I can feel more souls on their way already. So why not give in and use them in your stories too?
Tip #4: Sell your soul to publications for $0.50
If you truly have to sell your soul to anyone other than me, then it might as well be to every single publication on Medium you can find.
Not a publication in your area of expertise? Oh, that doesn’t matter. Just sell a piece of your soul. Trust me, it will be worth that $0.50 when you get those extra 10 views.
What’s that you say? The publication is so niched that it’s against your interests?
Pffft, like that would bother you, my sinful friend.
Just read several of their top pieces and see what writing style they like. Take an idea you have, spin it in their flavor, and submit your will to them.
If you really want to accelerate your soullessness, you should also read their submission guidelines and adhere to them.
Here’s an example from that impish J.J. Pryor’s publication, Feedium:
That extra Starbucks flavor shot next month will be worth it, believe me.
Tip #5: Find inspiration in old popular articles
What’s a better place to find ideas for new stories than in old outdated stories!
Deliciously evil, isn’t it.
It’s tremendously difficult to come up with a truly brand new idea, hell, I have plenty of copycats down here with me. And they’re always full of excuses as to why they rip people off.
Things like, “there were 4.4 million blog posts every single day in 2019.” Or how “there are over 20 billion pages on Wordpress alone.”
Waaaah. What crybabies.
At least I get to torture them.
These criminally idiotic copiers never realized that they could’ve just as easily looked on websites like Top Medium Stories or in the archives sections of big Medium publications to see really old work that was super popular.
No idea can last forever without being modified, looked at from a different angle, or being updated. Hell, they can even be referenced to help boost traffic back to them as a form of a thank you.
Not sure why you would ever want to thank anyone though. Disgusting.
Technology gets updated, politics change, and consequences to stories occur. All of these are potential ideas that these copiers overlooked. Why did they do that? Because it’s hard work to actually create something.
But getting inspiration from previously famous topics and articles is a great way to make it a little easier.
But be careful not to make your inspiration too easy, otherwise, you’ll end up here with me shortly after.
Hmm, or maybe you should. I could always use the company.
😈
Sincerely,
@The Dark Lord
