ESSAY | SPIRITUALITY | LIFE LESSONS

Sapped By Extremes

On seeking the power of balance in my life

I am an all-in or all-out kinda gal. I tend to gravitate too far left or too far right. I put all my energy into one goal and then tend to burn myself out, only to take up a new goal — rinse and repeat. I’ve known this about myself forever. I’ve allowed this to take my power away — my power to be a balanced person.

Dealing with extremes is exhausting. It saps all of my energy. It causes stress and worry. And it is all my own doing. No one makes me act this way. I am not being driven by an outside source. No, this is all my own making — my own sick, twisted and perverted form of self-sabotage. I would like to be able to report that this is a new epiphany, a light-bulb moment of self-discovery, but it isn’t. I know this about myself. Have always know this about myself. And I’ve allowed it to persist.

The million dollar question is — Why?

And the two-bit answer is — I have no idea.

Back in the late 1990s, I took a good, hard look at myself and this exhausting, powerless form of self-sabotaging and decided to seek some wisdom from The Middle Path — Buddhism. The thought in my head was that surely if something is called The Middle Path, I would discover the mystery of it and begin following it, leaving behind my extremism. Wrong. I became equally enthralled with Buddhism. I jumped all-in with both feet to the point of — you guessed it —near- exhaustion. I’d already burned myself out with Christianity and Wicca, and here I’d nearly done the same with Buddhism. So I moved on to Taoism. This is indeed one of those deep-sigh and shake-your-head moments.

Would I ever learn? Seems not. I did it again in 2020 with poetry and fiction writing. And then, I nearly did it again just recently with art.

It’s time to put on the breaks and seek balance.

I thought my main goal this year would be seeking contentment. I didn’t realize how many aspects of my life lead to discontentment. One of them is definitely my obsession with extremism (I can think of nothing else to call it. It has to be an obsession, an addiction or else I could get over it).

So how can I take my power back if I’ve never had power over this to begin with?

I know that it can take a long while to forge new habits, longer than what most experts say. It took me decades and then a final push of six months to give up smoking in 2013. It took me decades to give up animosity toward my family. It has taken me a lifetime to actually commit to seeking balance. So I know I won’t achieve this with the snap of a finger. I also know I will endure setbacks and missteps. I am realistic about change now. I also know that if I create a plan, I will just become obsessed with that and fail at this miserably.

Does this mean I have no plan? Yes, that is exactly what it means. For once in my life, I am just going with the flow. Do I feel like writing today? Do I feel like creating art? Do I feel like doing research? Etc. I ask myself these kinds of questions each day when I wake up. I’ve incorporated it into the small ritual I have been able to successfully maintain without turning it into an obsession — I awaken, do a 10–15 min meditation, do some light yoga or stretching, post my daily numerology report on Facebook, and then ask myself the question — what do I feel like doing today?

Today, I felt like writing and so it is.

Is this balance? Power? I don’t know, but what I do know is, I don’t feel stressed. And that sure feels like power!

Namaste.

© 2021 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.

Response to 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s Monday prompt — In what situations have you let your power slip away? How can you reclaim that power?

Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.