Sample Private School Application for Kindergartners
It’s that time of year, when certain parents in the tri-state area start frantically calling every private school within an 80-mile radius in hopes that their budding Einstein has a crack at getting in for the 2026 school year, and thus charting their course for a life full of success, wealth and a wardrobe full of whale belts and sailboat ties.
The application process is far more daunting than the CIA’s, so to help you navigate this time consuming process, I thought I’d share a few pointers.
Here are some questions you will likely encounter and the answers that will fast-track your dumpling’s application to the top of the heap:
- What are your child’s hobbies and interests? Please include both organized and informal interests.
- Wind chime making — this is probably an obvious one as it shows your child’s aptitude for wood and metal working, in addition to their passion for music and their generous spirit for creating whimsical sounds their entire neighborhood can enjoy at all hours.
- Glass blowing — this demonstrates your child’s (and your) appetite for risk-taking and their appreciation for art in all of its forms.
- Joke writing — who doesn’t want a little Conan O’Brien or Chris Rock interjecting some 5-yr old humor in their class? The more nonsensical knock knock jokes the better.
- Vlogging — demonstrates that your little sprout has the perfect balance of tech savvy and the narcissism required to climb to the top of Snap Chat or whatever twitter evolves into.
- Russian literature — this needs no explanation.
2. Tell us a little bit about your child’s experience with new settings and situations.
- Sweet little Danny just loves meeting new people! Though sometimes it can be a bit hard for him, so we’ve come up with our very own adjustment plan (attached) that you’ll need to strictly follow for the first eight weeks of school. After that, eazy breezy lemon squeezy!
- NB: The adjustment plan includes bringing his Great Dane, King with him to school for an added sense of security. King needs to be hand-fed his grain-free, free-range quail niblets no less than six times throughout the day. He is allergic to synthetic fibers, so we’ll send his feather bed that can be discreetly tucked into any corner that measures 8'x8'. King does not like any children who speak to my snuggle bear in a giggly voice. It resembles a dying rabbit to him, and he may attack. Please use his e-collar at all times to avoid this.
3. What do you hope for your child to achieve at [school]?
- Here’s an opportunity to really let your kid shine. Schools want to know that your child is confident and knows he’s the best…at everything he does. Answers such as “dominate everything” will show the school that your child’s ambition has no limits.
4. Our Mission is the guiding principle for both the children and adults in our community. In what ways does our Mission reflect how you live your life?
- I see you mention diversity and inclusion in your mission! That resonates so deeply with me. As the wife of a prominent investment banker with no career of my own, I host a slew of very fancy dinner parties throughout the year and I am always sure to include a meat and a vegetarian option on the dinner menu.
5. What type of learning environment are you seeking for your child?
- Little Danny thrives in a supportive environment where he is free to be himself and let his creative energy fly. He is a slightly sensitive child and needs to be told he’s the best at least 16 times throughout the day. As part of his creative expression, he is currently perfecting his sperm whale call, which can be a bit jarring for first-timers. We plan to take necessary precautions by sending little Danny to school with ear plugs for his classmates and instructors. It’s best if you just let him do it. Really, it’s for the best.
6. Please share with us your educational goals for your child.
- Little Danny thinks all schools are like Hogwarts, so if you can sprinkle a little wizardry into the curriculum that would be most helpful for him. And world domination. Other than that, he’s really just a little sponge!
If you follow these answers as a general guideline, the acceptance letters will start rolling in. Best of luck to you!
