RELIGION | SEX

Saint Teresa Discovers Doggystyle

A Cum-to-Jesus Moment

During the Baroque period, it was trendy for painters and sculptors to depict a specific religious scene called “The Ecstasy of St. Teresa.”

…and it goes a little something like this…

“In his hands I saw a great golden spear, and at the iron tip there appeared to be a point of fire.”

She begins by describing the angel who appeared in her bedroom, holding his big, golden spear.

Nothing too out of the ordinary when you eat ergot-infected rye every day.

“This he plunged into my heart several times so that it penetrated to my entrails.”

Whether “my heart” is anatomical or figurative here is up for debate, but allow me to present my case for the latter.

Fact: the anatomical heart is not heart-shaped.

You probably already knew that, but what you may not know is the shape of “the heart” has an entirely different anatomical muse: the cakes.

Particularly in the crouched and doggystyle positions, but I will let you do your own research on that end.

The reason the heart is universally recognized as “a shape,” despite having no geometric value, is because its outline lights up some deep part of our lizard-brain which is constantly scanning for shapely cakes.

That’s why the heart is the shape of love. We just love our heart-shaped booties, don’t we folks?

Anyway, where were we…

“When he pulled it out, I felt that he took me with it, and left me utterly consumed by the great love of God” 😩

…wait, Teresa, aren’t you being impaled with a red-hot spear right now? How are you enjoying this?

“The pain was so good that it made me utter several moans.”

So you are in pain… but good pain. Pain so good, it repeatedly made you moan… Hm.

“Yet so exceedingly sweet is this greatest of pains that it is impossible to desire to be rid of it…”

I’m pretty sure that was a direct quote from Fifty Shades. I hope her children never read this.

How did she get away with this, anyway? I thought everyone was terrified of female sexuality back then. Women were burnt at the stake for having this much WAP.

“…or for the soul to be content with less than God."

And there we have it. When in doubt, virtue-signal it out.

Everyone fell for it, or lacked the gumption to question her tale, and to this day the scene is depicted and discussed in literal and religious terms.

That is how you publish a description of your first orgasm in 17th century Europe, without getting stoned to death. Just say it was Archangel Michael who came down and hit your back walls. Absolutely brilliant.

It’s not the G-spot, it’s the God-spot! Why else would He put it there?

Love y’all ❤️

Peace ✌️