Safe Borders

Summary

The article discusses the importance of clear and flexible boundaries in various types of relationships, including international alliances and personal friendships, emphasizing communication and mutual respect as key components for maintaining healthy interactions.

Abstract

The concept of safe borders extends beyond geographical boundaries to the realm of personal and international relationships. The author reflects on the necessity of open communication and well-defined rules to ensure that interactions remain positive and trust is maintained. Using an anecdote about a cousin who faced consequences for not adhering to border crossing protocols, the article illustrates the importance of respecting established boundaries. It also touches on the nuances of enforcing rules with compassion and integrity, drawing parallels between international relations and classroom management. The author advocates for the flexibility of boundaries in personal relationships, suggesting that they should be adaptable yet consistent, and that any changes to boundaries should be mutually agreed upon to avoid misunderstandings and preserve the integrity of the relationship.

Opinions

Clear communication is essential for maintaining good relations between countries, friends, and within classrooms.
Rules and boundaries are necessary for safety and order, but they should be applied with fairness and understanding.
Boundaries in personal relationships should allow for questioning and refusal to answer, emphasizing the importance of respecting individual comfort levels.
It is crucial to be consistent with personal boundaries and to discuss any desired changes openly with those involved.
Unilateral changes to relationship boundaries can lead to awkwardness or permanent damage to the relationship.
The author values independence within relationships and believes that true friends will respect each other's boundaries without taking advantage.
Boundaries enable personal growth and provide a framework for how individuals treat themselves and others.
The author emphasizes the significance of being comfortable with oneself and setting personal boundaries as a prerequisite for expecting others to respect them.
Treaties between countries are likened to conversations among friends, couples, and family, highlighting the role of dialogue in establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

Inspired by this week’s prompt.

Healthy boundaries might be the most sensitive topic that we have covered in our weekly prompt. I thought hard on how to say something relevant about the topic. I thought about a less sensitive way to discuss some of the relevant issues.

Let’s talk about two countries that are good allies. They get along very well and share many things. Citizens are allowed to go back and forth. Relations are good between them. How does this happen? Well, first of all, they communicate. There is a clear line what belongs to each of them. There are clear rules how one is allowed to go to the other. How long they can stay. What they are allowed to do when they are there. What repercussions there are when that trust is violated?

I had a cousin that once took his boat across a river into Canada. That in itself was allowed and happens often between the two countries. He did not however, stop in the office and declare his trip when he landed at the local marina. He stayed the night and when he returned to his boat authorities had chained it to the pier. His boat was impounded. Friends had to come get him. He had to pay a fine to get his boat released and had to arrange for friends to pick it up for him because he was not allowed back into the country for five years. Severe? Maybe, but he knew the rules and violated them. It would have taken five to ten minutes to be registered.

In order to keep borders safe there need to be rules. If those rules are to change there needs to be some form of communication between the countries. No matter how good relations are they can be damaged if rules are not followed.

Healthy boundaries are important to me. I taught them as a teacher. I learned them as a teacher. There were certain things that were important in a classroom. Honesty, integrity, but also things like compassion. I learned as a teacher that there was a difference between fair and consistent. Being consistent might mean to give everyone that walked into class late a detention. Being fair might mean asking a distraught student if there was a problem that needed to be addressed.

I believe in gray areas. There is right and wrong, but there is much between them also. Healthy boundaries in relationships and friendships can be flexible. But I have certain things that tend to work for me.

First of all, any question can be asked. However, no question requires an answer. It is okay to say that you are not ready to talk about something or that you simply do not wish to talk about it. It is also ok to ask for and offer help. It is also okay if that is turned down. We are allowed to be independent. But good friends need to know that you are there for them. All of my very close friends know that I am available twenty-four hours a day seven days a week. I also know that it will not be abused. But I have gotten phone calls over the years at all hours of the night that just wanted to say hi. That to me is not abuse.

I am the type of person that will not cross a known boundary. That in itself has caused hurt or confusion in the past. I have been in what might be called intimate situations while under the effects of alcohol and said to a dear friend: “I would love to continue with this but I want to do it at least for the first time when we are both sober.”

As I said, maintaining boundaries is sometimes not easy, but I think always the right thing to do. I think that it is fine to alter boundaries but it needs to be mutual. The worst thing that can happen in any relationship is unilaterally making a significant change that is unexpected. It makes the moment awkward. It can have a temporary or permanent change to the relationship.

The lack of boundaries may be fun for a brief moment but it will mean that many people will get hurt. People you care about. People that care about you. You yourself most likely. We need a plan to grow in life and if you don’t have one you are not going to grow. How you treat yourself, how you treat others is seen by all.

You have to have boundaries with yourself if you expect others to adhere to yours. You need to do your best to be consistent. It is ok if you feel there needs to be a change but it is best to sit down and talk about it. If the relationship is strong enough and as good as you think it is it will survive and grow because of that discussion.

The empowerment of boundaries is that they allow everyone to be comfortable. It is ok to have fun, it is ok to be you. It is even okay at times if things are complicated. Just be ready to openly talk about them like I am trying to do here. Communication is always the key. Treaties are to countries as conversations are to friends, couples, and family.