Running Down Redneck Roads

My farmer neighbors’ think I’m crazy

The cows looked up as I ran past. They seemed startled. They don’t see too many humans moving on foot in these parts. I could almost see the slow gears turning in their heads as they tried to make sense of it. An entire herd of slow-witted, beefy creatures studied me intently. They looked baffled.

A couple hundred meters later, I saw an off-road vehicle leisurely approaching me. It was on the road, of course. As the driver pulled up to me, I stopped running and paused the Runtracker app.

It was one of my redneck neighbors.

“We don’t see many joggers out here,” Sandy said with a smirk, “so I decided to come out and see who it was.” He lit a smoke and stared at my running attire. I had on a black t-shirt, grey track pants, and orange trail runners. He seemed unimpressed with my get-up. His denim overalls and work boots said it all.

I know Sandy. He’s a hard-working farmer who spent years building his property and raising a family. He also worked on construction jobs to make ends meet. He’s a no-nonsense kind of dude. And right now he thinks what I’m doing is nonsense.

A guy like him has never considered extracurricular workouts. If he thought he needed more exercise, he would go fix some fences, pull weeds in the garden, shovel some dirt, or build a new cow feeder. The very idea that I was out here running for fun and to get in shape was ridiculous.

We talked for a few beats about some inconsequential things like weather and county goings-on. He asked about my parents. I asked about his cows and crop.

As we finished our conversation and he pulled away on his four-wheeler, he gave me a final look and waved. I could see that look in his eyes. It’s the same one I give people when they tell me I should watch sports on TV.

I started Runkeeper and picked up my pace to get past his driveway.

No One Runs Out Here

I don’t see anyone running on these roads. I don’t even see many cars. Today I ran six miles, which is one country block in these parts. I was passed by one minivan.

When I go by a house, I can see people come over to the window and stare as I run past their property. They usually know I’m coming if they have an outside dog. I can hear the mutt barking as soon as I’m in range of canine senses. The owners bolt over to the living room window and watch in amazement. I can only imagine the conversations.

Old Farmer staring out window: “Honey, look! It’s that crazy guy again!”

Farm Wife: “You mean the one that actually runs down a dirt road on purpose?”

Old Farmer: “Yeah! I don’t git it. He must own a car or truck or somethin’. Doesn’t he know that running is bad for you?”

Farm Wife: “That’s right. He’s gonna wear his knees out doing that. And I heard that your heart is only good for about a billion beats. So that idiot out there is using his beats up faster! He’s gonna die sooner...”

Old Farmer: “You’re right. It’s just like the fuel pump in ma tractor. Worn right out. He’s gonna need new knees, new hips, new heart. Might as well shoot ‘im now.” (Picks up shotgun from beside chair.)

The Pros and Cons of Dirt Road Running

There are some positives. I’m out in nature for every run. I see birds, deer, and cows every time. I don’t have to deal with a lot of traffic or congestion. I’m REALLY social distancing. And it’s right at the end of my driveway, so very convenient.

And then, the cons. I’m out in nature, where mosquitoes live. That graveled surface can be just like sand in places, so I get poor traction and run slower. It gets muddy every time it rains, which is almost daily so far this year.

But the biggest drawback is that anyone that sees me running thinks insanity has me in its grip.

I don’t think I like that.